Dear Marsha,

I am dealing with something rather painful right now and need to know how to handle it better.

I just recently married a guy that has a child of his own.  This was not a big deal at all for me and in fact I love his son. I also have 2 boys around his same age. They all get along here at home for the most part. There are a few squibbles, but aren’t there in all families between siblings?

The problem is that my parents and grandparents do not openly accept his child as “our” child. They make differences between them at birthdays, weekend overnights, and so forth.  They are not excepting him as a grandchild.  Will this go away in time or will this always be this way? Thank God they are all under 6 and really don’t really see the differences like we do.

If you welcome one, then welcome them all!

Dear Welcome One Welcome All,

It is a shame that your family is not excepting your spouses child as their grandchild.   Sadly, a lot of families do this same thing.  They should be pleased to have another member as part of the family.  Hopefully this will be the case in the near future.

If you are sincere about wanting this favoritism to stop, then you will probably have to be the first one to make a significant move.  If you allowed your husband to speak up, they would just blame the whole situation on him and not think about how much it really hurts you.

My suggestion is that you call them before any birthday parties of your own children, and you tell them NOT to bring any gifts etc. unless they intend to do the same thing for your new son.  Note, I did not say STEP son.  I feel that the terms “Step” or “Half” are belittling themselves.  Family is family and there should not be any subtitles given to any of them.  Those 2 words could really make the person intended for feel hurt and left out of the family.

If your parents and grandparents persist in giving your children gifts, take the gifts away from your kids, and put it up, or call it a family gift that belongs to all of them.  Maybe you could do this in front of your parents/grandparents so they get a little harsh reality of how it is going to be!

As far as the overnights go, don’t allow your children to spend the night or go for a visit without your new son going as well.  Express that this is not fair and you will not tolerate it in any way.

Most of all, tell your family how much this hurts you and that you want them to accept your new son the way that you do.  Tell them they are to treat him as if he were your biological own.  Hopefully they will understand exactly how you feel and make those needed changes in the way they think and/or act.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

I am a grandmother of 11 grandchildren.  I love each and everyone of them. I have recently been accused of favoring one grandchild over all of the others. I do not notice that I do, but everyone is starting to say well if it was —— then you wouldn’t mind, or I’m sure you would buy it for —— etc.

I do have a close bond with ——, but I don’t think that I pay more attention to him then I do to any of the others. He is my oldest grandson though, and I know that I do trust him more then the younger ones. He also grew up in my house for 8 years with his younger sister. I don’t get accused of favoring her though.

I would like to ask how I can show the others that I love them just as much as I love ——? I want them to know that they are all just as special to me as the other one. I don’t want any of my grandbabies feeling left out.

Thanks,

Grandma Jo

Dear Grandma Jo,

It always seems that most parents and/or grandparents do favor one child or another in every family.  Most are like yourselves and do not see this connection until it is pointed out to them by an outsider, or someone that feels left out.  Sometimes it does happen when we are closer to one child or another due to similar interests, living together, looks that resemble one another, oldest, youngest, or any other common similarity between you.

There is however something that we as parents or grandparents can do to change this habit we have unconsciously started.  Here is my plan of guidance.

1. Take a day or weekend and dedicate it to each child individually.  Make that child feel like a king or a queen of the day.  Allow that child to make all of the decisions for the day such as what game you can play together, or what they would like to eat.  You could teach them something, or tell them stories from your past of something you did or used to do at their age.  It does not have to be costly, you can do all of this right from your home.

2. Keep it fair.  Do not stay at home with one child, and go to the local fair with another.  That will cause jealousy and still make someone feel left out.  Make a plan from the start on what you will do with each one.

3. While you are spending your time with each child, get to know their likes and dislikes.  Keep a journal of their favorite foods, drinks, games, colors, etc. Then you can use this list when it comes to their birthdays, Christmas or to alternate use between visits to grandmas on what you cook or plan for the family.

4. Don’t be afraid to ask any of the children if they feel you treat them unfairly.  They may tell you how the feel, and give examples of your behavior that has made them feel this way.  Take notes on that, reassure each child that you love them the same, and explain that you are going to try to be fair from now on.

This should help you to get on the right track of making each child/grandchild feel that grandma loves them each equally.  Before you know it, they will always be wanting to come/go to grandma’s house.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

I am one of 5 kids in our family.  I fall right in the middle of ages. My problem is that I am always getting teased by my older brothers and my youngest sisters. I make great grades in school and I don’t play on the computer like they do all the time. I don’t have anything in common with them and they think I am the outcast. I am in my first year of highschool. I am finding the work harder than before and it takes up a lot of my time. I wish they would take their classes more seriously and leave the game chat alone. They think life is about their success on the stupid games. Am I wrong for wanting to study and make a career for myself? Will they ever see that they need to spend less time on games and focus more time on real studies?

Please help me to stay focused and not let them bother me so much and talk to them about how much time they are spending online.

Focused Fran

Dear Focused Fran,

In todays society, the role of computers seems to be replacing many of the traditional methods of passing time by such as watching television, reading books, writing letters, family board games, and much more.

I would like to congratulate you for staying faithful to your studies.  I am certain that this will pay off in the long run.  You will make it into a fine  college and be successful if you continue to follow this path. 

High school studies are more difficult than you were used to before.  They are preparing you for college life and studies.  You have a lot of writing papers and reading books ahead of you yet.  If you were to stay on the computer playing games like your siblings, then I am afraid you would not be nearly as prepared or focused for your finals.

There is a lot of knowledge that can be learned from the computer, but from what I gather, your brothers and sisters are not taking advantage of the great knowledge it can provide and instead wasting their time on games.  If you sincerely feel they are spending far too much time online, I would suggest you speak to your parents or guardian about it. They should be just as concerned about their childrens grades and well being as you are for them.  Perhaps they can limit the time they spend each day on the computers.  I would hope to think that they would want your brothers and sisters to achieve in life and to make something for themselves.

In the meantime, please allow me to encourage you to remain focused in your studies, and to ignore their words of discouragement.  I would suggest that you not argue with your siblings about the lack of interest in their games.  Try to make small chat with them about what you are studying.  Ask them questions to see if they can help you with the answers.  That alone will make them feel as if they are not as smart as you are if they are unable to answer it.  You need not rub it in their face that they are wrong, just simply smile and walk away.

Always,

Marsha