Dear Marsha,

I have a family situation that has left my husband and I feeling so hurt and I’m not sure what to do. In a nutshell, my sister & I relocated to AZ over 8 years ago and my parents chose to retire in Florida. At one time my sister & I remained the best of friends as we have kids the same age and our families did everything together. Then my sister and I had a falling out which left tension between us but we swept it under the rug because my dad became very ill. Sadly, last year my father passed away.
My sister and I just kept the peace for moms sake but there remains tension between us that mom was oblivious to. About 6 months after dads passing, my mom announced she wanted to relocate back to NJ (where we are all originally from) to be closer to our relatives and the cemetery (dad). During this time, my sister was talking to my mom about how she also wanted to relocate back to NJ with her family too. So for the next 6 months, both mom & sister began making plans to relocate back to NJ and buy a huge mother/daughter house together. Of course, mom flipped the bill for it as well as the furniture and the new baby grand piano. They didn’t say anything to me of their plans because they didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I still live out of state and their plans to relocate were sneaky and didn’t include me or my family. Its hard not to be jealous because my husband and I are struggling financially to hold onto our home with 3 kids and we are experiencing a hardship. I don’t feel its fair that my mother so secretly bailed my sister & her family out of their financial situation and left me & my family stranded. My mom always tells me she wants to be fair to us too but she can’t stop bragging about the material things she buys for my sisters kids and for “their” home. I am at the point now where I don’t even want to call there anymore. My mother is allowing my sister to run the show. I have tried talking to them about how I feel but they have become ignorant to my feelings. My mothers attitude is like, I am sorry you’re hurt but I have to worry about me now. My mom just wishes everyone would be happy for them and be more supportive because she just lost her husband! So I remain silent but I am still VERY HURT! Now my mom acts like everything is fabulous between us all and is pushing for my family to come for a visit and stay with them in their new house – and now my husband refuses to go. My husband is fuming over the fact that my sister & husband live practically free while we struggle. He thinks its disgusting! I have several issues going on here but I feel very hurt – and what is done is done. I am just ready to walk away from my mom & sister….they made their choice and it didn’t include me. Am I wrong to feel this way?

Thanks,
Kristin

Dear Kristin,

My heart really goes out to you, your family and this whole situation. As I read your story I just wanted to cry.  It is such a shame that families have to break apart like this.

I can understand that your mother wanted to move back to NJ  after the death of your father.  I can also understand that she did not want to be alone.  This is also known as the Empty Nest Syndrome, when one is left to live alone either through children moving out or the death of a spouse.  What she did by moving in your sister and family was probably to comfort her loneliness.  This is still no excuse to leave you out of the picture.  I feel it was poorly managed and not thought through very well.  I am certain you would have loved to have at least had a say in the whole situation.  You very well may not have upped and moved your family to NJ, but at least you would have been asked.

By putting myself in your shoes, I feel as if you not only lost your father, but you lost the rest of your family as well.  Them moving and gloating in your face about how well things are going is not exactly whip cream on a pumpkin pie.

In the back of my mind is this haggling thought that perhaps it isn’t just your mother to blame.  I have no idea what the falling out between you and your sister was over, but couldn’t it be possible that she is the one feeding your mom all the information to make her sway from one way to the other?  Your sister may very well be the root of this evil.

Your mother should in no way be letting them live there for practically nothing.  Do you know this for a fact, or are your sister and brother-n-law actually working to pay the bills and help out with the monthly expenses?  If they are helping to pay for the cost of living, then they are not exactly sponging by any means and that is good.

Your mother may also be afraid of saying or doing something to upset your sister and her family, and thus just keeps things running as smoothly as possible in fear of not losing them or making them want to move out either.  I still do not see how your mother could boast about purchasing a Baby Grand Piano knowing that you and your family are struggling to get by.  I think that was going overboard.  There is no way I could buy even a new outfit for myself if I thought for a second that one of my children were in need of something dire.  If she wants to be fair to both daughters, then she needs to be focusing on how much she spends on material items versus how much she is losing emotionally.  Money can not buy love, no matter how much you try to make things better for yourselves or others.

The next time your mother asks if you would come to visit, especially over the Holidays, then be honest with her.  Tell her you love her, but at this time you just don’t see how you could possibly manage to afford the trip.  Maybe she will put off the next big purchase to help pay for your travel expenses.  If this happens, take advantage of it.  Try to coax your husband into making the best of a miniature vacation for families sake.  Your kids would love to see their grandmother, aunt, uncle, and cousins I am sure.  This will also allow you to get to talk to your mother one on one and to have a closer look at what is really going on up north.

Sometimes our jealousy feeds our fire, and then we begin to believe things as we wish to see them, or as we picture them in our mind, and not for what they really are.  This can be harmful to us emotionally and we need resolution.  You may only find your resolution when you get to see what is really going on.

If things really are as you see them, then I would suggest not to lose all contact with them totally for they are still family.  However, you could change your habits of how much you share with them personally.  The less you share with them, the less that can be said to cause hurt feelings.

Always,

Marsha