Marsha,

About a year or so ago, my husband of over 25 years met a woman (we’ll call her, Jackie, not her real name) online at a game/chat website. She is 11 years younger than him and has told him she is having 3 longterm affairs while currently married for 14 years. He played several games with her. Then they started exchanging emails, then instant messages. He would spend hours messaging her online while I was waiting for him to come to bed. I was uneasy about this friendship but believed and trusted my husband that this was all there was to it, friendship. Then they were calling each other and texting. He even texted her “Wish you were here” when we were on a date. I was mortified to find a 2 hour cell phone call in the middle of his work morning. I then checked his emails and found several that were XXX rated from her. I know some people may feel this was an invasion of his privacy but we have always been open to reading each others mail and going through wallets, if necessary.

I confronted him and he still claimed she was a “Good friend”. I was so furious that I told him to choose between us. He said he wouldn’t give her up. After several hours of reasoning with myself, I decided not to give up on us but drive her out of our relationship. I worked very hard to try to act like I did when we were 20 years old. It was horrid. I was wondering if & when he was talking to her. I wondered if he was thinking about her when we were intimate. I tried to explain my feelings to him so he would understand how hurt and devastated I was. He deleted her emails. Then he stopped calling her and texting. She tried to contact me to let the relationship continue. Then he said he had blocked her from instant messaging and emailing him.

So all should have been well with the world. But then he lost his job and has been home for quite a while looking for work online. He has told me that he hasn’t been in touch with her, but I have discovered that he has added her back into his email and messaging contacts, and I have seen a couple new emails. He has special terms of endearment for her and told her to “know that you are constantly on my mind.” I see this as an emotional affair, he does not agree. What can I do? What should I do? This is the first time in our marriage that he seems more interested in another woman than with me. He professes his love for me, then talks (or more) to her on the side…

Devastated

Dear Devastated,

The first entry in the dictionary defines FRIEND as:

1 a : one attached to another by affection or esteem.

Your husband could be telling the truth when he says that he and “Jackie” were/are friends, but are they strictly platonic friends is the question at hand.  I could have bought that your husband and “Jackie” were Platonic friends if both parties kept their conversations open and not so confidential.

“Jackie” obviously stimulates your husband mentally &/or physically.  I do not feel that sending someone xxx photos is within the realm of a platonic friendship.  There must be some sort of attraction between them for him to refuse to give up contact and or relations with her online.

In order to best help you with you current situation, I feel that I should simply lay out the options along with the possibilities &/or consequences of each option, and allow you to make the choice that you are willing to accept and live with.

You have made valid effort in almost every aspect to salvage your marriage.  You have spoke to him from your heart, you have given him an ultimatum, you have sacrificed your comfort and trust, you have even tried to relive your youth thinking that was a possibility for your husbands stray-ward actions:  Yet none of these have worked 100% or he outright brushed you and the marriage off as his main priority.

25 years of marriage is a very long time.  It would be a difficult decision to end such a covenant as marriage.  If you choose to continue to push and fight in order to salvage what you have built, then let us start with prayer.  Asking God to guide you and to help take this matter into his hands could benefit you more than any other option.

By choosing to stay with your husband, then you are accepting his female friend and their friendship for what it is no matter the case.  This may cause even more hurt feelings for you as time goes by, but you could always try to be as persistent as possible in trying to get to know “Jackie” through your husband by asking numerous questions.  Maybe this would give you an idea of what it is about her that intrigues him so much, and maybe allow you to see what you could further work on in order to regain his interest for yourself.  Your questions could also make him feel guilt if there was anything to be ashamed of.

There is always professional marriage counseling that you could suggest attending with your husband.  If he refuses to go, and you have it in your heart to keep trying to make the best of your marriage, then you could also seek counseling yourself, alone.  Some people do not think they can afford this route financially, but there are places out there that have payment options, or are offered free such as church counselors.

If you find that you are tired of the lack of interest and lack of understanding   your husband has displayed toward your feelings and emotions deriving from this new friendship of his, then perhaps a separation could be another option.  By having or asking him to leave the house during this separation, he could feel what it would be like to be without you, and what it is he is missing if he chooses to pursue his friendship with “Jackie”. You must be aware though that not always do we get what we want or what we were trying for.  He may find that through the separation he is free to do as he chooses and strays even further.  Before choosing a separation or a divorce, be certain that you are through and can not take any more.

I personally feel that this “Jackie” suffers of very low self esteem.  If  she is married herself, and has confessed of having other online affairs, then she is probably just a girl that gets her kicks off of being someone online that she wishes she was in person.  I doubt seriously that “Jackie” is sincere about your husbands affection and endearments.  At some point, your husband will more than likely see this and realize that there is no hope in pursuing the current friendship any further because it is a dead end street. At this point, I hope he treasures what he has had in you all along and never strays again.

It can be healthy for married couples to have friends of opposite sexes, but where is the line drawn between friendship and something more such as an affair?  I would suggest that you look deep into your heart and figure out the extent of the lengths in which you are willing to go in order to save this marriage.  Are you willing to jeopardize self happiness for any given length of time in hopes of  regaining your husbands full respect?

Always,

Marsha

About a month ago I met this man that is so incredible. We have dated every weekend since we met. He is so good looking and funny and he makes me feel good about myself by always calling me beautiful.

The trouble is, every time I call his cell phone, I always get his voice mail.  He never returns any of my calls until late at night and then complains about how tired he is and hangs up telling me he will see me on Friday.  I know he works for a law firm and that could be stressful, but does this sound funny to you?

Questionable

Dear Questionable,

The first thing that came to my mind was he is married.  Attorneys that I know work office hours.  Sure they may bring some big cases home with them to work on, but I doubt he is tired each and everyday from it.  To call only at night sounds very funny.  It sounds as if he has to wait for his lil’ lady at home and possibly his children to fall asleep first before calling you.  He may even have a “guys night out” on Friday, and this is how he gets out of the house.

My suggestion is to get out of this relationship while you can.  You could back away from him and not call him during the week.  See if he tries to initiate any contact other than Friday. If he does not, then go somewhere different on Friday. So that you will not bump into him.  What makes him so incredible in the first place?  Is it because he is so good looking, funny, and knows how to make you feel good by saying the right things?  Don’t you want and deserve a guy that is just as crazy about you as you are about him?

You could always boldly ask him if he is married, but don’t count on his answer to be factual, because, how many cheaters are going to admit to it? Bring up why he only calls at night.  Tell him it sounds funny to you.  Let him know that you deserve to be with someone that wants to be with you on a regular basis and not someone that gets “Penciled in”

Always,

Marsha

I am experiencing a situation that I never expected to be in. I met a woman 5 months ago. She is sweet, loving and caring and over this period of time we have both fallen in love with each other. I live in another town 2 hours away so we see each other rarely in person so the phone and computer are our main means of contact. We talk every day. The problem is that she is married but in a failing marriage. They are like 2 ships in the night with him working nights and her days. The love is gone between them. She claims that a divorce is coming but nothing concrete so far. I am on the outside looking in trying not to be to much of a factor in her decision but know that I am a piece of the puzzle. What do you think I should do, and where do I go from here. I want her to be happy what ever choice she makes. Any advice that you may have might help me in choosing the right path for me and her.

Thanks,
Mr. Lighthouse

Dear Mr. Lighthouse,

Yes, I can see that you are in a dilemma.  You are indeed that of a lighthouse. You are her beacon of light that is shining upon the dark and vast ocean of a failing love and marriage.

I am certain there are other reasons that their marriage is failing other than the fact that they work separate shifts.  What ever the reasons are, they were enough to make her seek another companion to speak with.

Some may say that if you were not in the picture at all, then perhaps she would try to work things out within her marriage. I am not going to say this is absolutely true. If she was willing to open up to you about her marriage, then more than likely she is going to be just as willing to do so with another.  There is also the possibility she is simply playing on your emotions. What ever the case may be, once love is gone, it would take dedication and determination from both parties to rekindle the love they once had. By her communicating and even meeting with you, she has shown she is no longer willing to try. Perhaps she has already tried and failed, I am uncertain as I only have what little you told me to go by.

I would advice you to keep your distance from her.  She is indeed a married woman, and marriages are supposed to be sacred.  These verses in the Bible come to mind:

Mark 10:9 of the King James Version says -

What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

Matthew 19:6 of the King James Version says -

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

How would you feel if you were her husband, and she was having an affair with someone else?

You show strength by saying you want her to be happy no matter what she chooses.  If you mean this then try not to influence her decision by continuing to be a part of the equation, and allow time to take its course.

In the meantime try to get her off of your mind.  Love has a funny way of showing itself and you don’t want to pass up the opportunity of finding true love while you are hanging on to wishful thinking.

Sincerely,

Always Marsha