Dear Marsha:

Dear Desperate Father,

I feel that you have every right to be concerned. We all want what is best for our children and having someone so much older of the opposite sex, and given his current circumstances, must be a little distressing and full of concern to say the least.

I admire that your daughter and wife are trying to help this man, but he must want that help first. Sneaking around into your daughters room is not exactly going about things the right way. Anyone can fall upon hard times, but it is how we hold ourselves up and what our actions speak as to what it makes us become.

I would be very curious as  to why he is homeless. There has to be a reason that he is no longer welcome at his parents home anymore. Perhaps they passed away and he was left without family? Perhaps they simply could not afford themselves and he took it upon himself to step out of the home to make it on his own but found it more difficult than it was in his head at the time.  If either of these are/were the case, then by all means I would continue to support my wife in making efforts to find him shelter and a good job to get him back on track again and to let him know that he doesn’t have to be alone during these difficult times.

If he is homeless because of criminal issues such as drugs, alcohol, abuse, etc.; I would be even more concerned and try to keep my daughter and wife out of the picture as much as possible until you had time to straighten things out with him the correct way first.

Find out his history. Find out all details of why he is homeless. Explain to him that even if it were something of his doing and he wishes to change his lifestyle now, then you are willing to help him if he first is willing to help himself. Tell him that he is old enough to understand right from wrong and hiding out in your daughters bedroom or having/allowing her to skip school to help him is not going to be accepted. There is no reason to jeopardize your daughters education and future just because his has been tarnished. Any mature man will understand your requests and if he obliges, then help him in every way that you can. No man or woman needs to be treated as if they do not exist.

If he does not comply with your wishes, then tell him he must leave or be forced to leave one. Feel free to contact your local authorities to have him removed at any time. I doubt your daughter, at 16, will understand, but you can step back and say you gave him a chance and he was not willing to change himself, therefore you know you are doing what is best for your daughter and family.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

For the past 4 months now, my husband has not had any proper relations with me.  We try, but every time we get to that point, he goes down like he is no longer interested.  It makes me feel like he is no longer interested or attracted to me.  I want to know what I can do to help him out. He does seem to feel a bit ashamed of it happening, but instead of talking to me about it, he just grabs his pillow and heads off to the other room.

We have been together for 5 years now and nothing like this has ever happened before.  I seriously doubt he is getting some on the side either because when he is not at work, he is here at home with me.

Thank you,

Lovingly Concerned

Dear Lovingly Concerned,

It worries me that your husband feels so ashamed of his performance that he feels he does not even wish to be around you and heads off to the other room.  To me, I think he feels like a disappointment and thinks that you are or will be upset with him.   He clearly feels embarrassed and let down himself.

I think he is interested and attracted to you, because he still tries to be with you even risking the chance that it could be  another disappointment to himself and you.  This shows he does love you and is wanting to please you.

This situation can sometimes happen for many reasons either physically, psychologically, or from lifestyle events. I think you may find the following link useful for more information:

http://www.impotence-guide.com/impotence-causes.html

I would suggest talking to him  as lovingly as you can. Let him know that you are not mad and are willing to help.  Perhaps you and your husband should consider seeing a doctor for this problem if it continues.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

This is a difficult problem.  I lived with a boyfriend for four years while in college.  He was an English PhD. candidate at the time we were together.  We split up and I went on to marry someone I have been married to for thirty years.  Before I go any further I should say we had an unbelievably passionate and intense sex life.  As lovers we were great.  As life partners, not so much. It wouldn’t have worked.  The breakup was tough.

My college boyfriend has resurfaced (through Facebook).  He has been emailing me pieces he is working for a second book he is writing about our time together.  He says the first book he wrote was published about a year ago. The first book is a collection of vignettes about our most intimate moments.  There are no names used – only He and She.  He wrote it under a pen name, which he won’t divulge.  He met his editor in the Boston area.  He tells me the book is doing well in Chicago and on the West coast.  His publisher chose to publish it under “Artistic Romance.” That’s all I know.  I do have this one review that he emailed me: “It is an intense unresolved journey through one man’s heart and mind, but as he often reminds us – these are not pictures of him.  In my very private moments, I would like to think I was like her to someone at sometime, as imperfectly beautiful, as important to him then and still, as joyous and as painful a memory. Then I shiver at the thought anyone would see me and remember me with this kind of clarity, definition, and detail.”

My problem is that I am obsessed with finding this book.  I have tried unsuccessfully.  I really want to know what is out there about me in book form.  When I asked him why I couldn’t read the book he said, “Think about what I have sent you so far.  There are things in that book that would humiliate me if anyone, especially you, knew about them.”

I don’t know if my question to you is: “How can I find this book?” or “Can you help me to stop obsessing over finding this book”

Boyfriend Book Obsession

Dear Boyfriend Book Obsession,

I went to work on this situation the moment I received your email.  I am giving you information on behalf of both of your questions.

*I started my search with the category “Artistic Romance”, and this came up a dead end.  Most genre’s of this nature are for Art and Paintings.  I, as a part time writer, have never heard of that category being used for books.

*I then went to search for vignettes of intimate moments and the category or genre kept coming up as being erotic fiction, over and over again.

*I copied the review that he sent to you and again, it came up with nothing.

*I searched for editors in the Boston area that have helped to release a book within the last year, and I did find an E Book that had been released in the erotic fiction category, but names were mentioned so this could not be you or him.  It would have been nice to know the name of his publisher for this kind of search however.

* I searched the review in whole and in segments and there was nothing mentioned about any recent books.

*I continued to search in many more places, and as you, I too came up empty handed.  I could not search his name as this was not given to me, but trusted that you already had.

With all of that being said, here is what I think.

I think he found you on Facebook, wanted to reconnect, and thought by bringing up your past intimate moments together would help you both to relate to one another.  He wanted to make certain you remembered him in the same light as he remembered you.  Perhaps wanting to make an emotional claim on you.

I do not think that there is a book.  If there was, I feel that he would have told you about his accomplishments  and would have been tickled to have you to share his happiness with him, even if the story was about you.  Instead, he claims that this will embarrass him. This really does not make much sense to me, he is boastful enough to share snippets with you, but not the entire book?  Did you ever consider that his background as an English PhD could easily give him the abilities to write or jot something quickly about a moment he is able to recall the two of you sharing? He probably just sits there, writes these thoughts or memories down, and then sends them on to you claiming they were in his book.

You are showing him with your obsession to read his full book, that you still carry an interest with your past relationship.  He knows that he still has some sort of connection with you and the longer he can keep this hold, the more of his foot, or leverage he has in the door of your life still.

Do not fall for this emotional entrapment.  I would suggest that you no longer show any interest in his books &/or his writings.  It may even be best if you deleted him from all connections.

I am certain your husband would not like to know of a possible obsession with a book of this nature.  He would want for you to remember him and your times of endearment with him.  After all, that should be the only man that you carry an obsession for.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

I am dealing with something rather painful right now and need to know how to handle it better.

I just recently married a guy that has a child of his own.  This was not a big deal at all for me and in fact I love his son. I also have 2 boys around his same age. They all get along here at home for the most part. There are a few squibbles, but aren’t there in all families between siblings?

The problem is that my parents and grandparents do not openly accept his child as “our” child. They make differences between them at birthdays, weekend overnights, and so forth.  They are not excepting him as a grandchild.  Will this go away in time or will this always be this way? Thank God they are all under 6 and really don’t really see the differences like we do.

If you welcome one, then welcome them all!

Dear Welcome One Welcome All,

It is a shame that your family is not excepting your spouses child as their grandchild.   Sadly, a lot of families do this same thing.  They should be pleased to have another member as part of the family.  Hopefully this will be the case in the near future.

If you are sincere about wanting this favoritism to stop, then you will probably have to be the first one to make a significant move.  If you allowed your husband to speak up, they would just blame the whole situation on him and not think about how much it really hurts you.

My suggestion is that you call them before any birthday parties of your own children, and you tell them NOT to bring any gifts etc. unless they intend to do the same thing for your new son.  Note, I did not say STEP son.  I feel that the terms “Step” or “Half” are belittling themselves.  Family is family and there should not be any subtitles given to any of them.  Those 2 words could really make the person intended for feel hurt and left out of the family.

If your parents and grandparents persist in giving your children gifts, take the gifts away from your kids, and put it up, or call it a family gift that belongs to all of them.  Maybe you could do this in front of your parents/grandparents so they get a little harsh reality of how it is going to be!

As far as the overnights go, don’t allow your children to spend the night or go for a visit without your new son going as well.  Express that this is not fair and you will not tolerate it in any way.

Most of all, tell your family how much this hurts you and that you want them to accept your new son the way that you do.  Tell them they are to treat him as if he were your biological own.  Hopefully they will understand exactly how you feel and make those needed changes in the way they think and/or act.

Always,

Marsha

Marsha,

About a year or so ago, my husband of over 25 years met a woman (we’ll call her, Jackie, not her real name) online at a game/chat website. She is 11 years younger than him and has told him she is having 3 longterm affairs while currently married for 14 years. He played several games with her. Then they started exchanging emails, then instant messages. He would spend hours messaging her online while I was waiting for him to come to bed. I was uneasy about this friendship but believed and trusted my husband that this was all there was to it, friendship. Then they were calling each other and texting. He even texted her “Wish you were here” when we were on a date. I was mortified to find a 2 hour cell phone call in the middle of his work morning. I then checked his emails and found several that were XXX rated from her. I know some people may feel this was an invasion of his privacy but we have always been open to reading each others mail and going through wallets, if necessary.

I confronted him and he still claimed she was a “Good friend”. I was so furious that I told him to choose between us. He said he wouldn’t give her up. After several hours of reasoning with myself, I decided not to give up on us but drive her out of our relationship. I worked very hard to try to act like I did when we were 20 years old. It was horrid. I was wondering if & when he was talking to her. I wondered if he was thinking about her when we were intimate. I tried to explain my feelings to him so he would understand how hurt and devastated I was. He deleted her emails. Then he stopped calling her and texting. She tried to contact me to let the relationship continue. Then he said he had blocked her from instant messaging and emailing him.

So all should have been well with the world. But then he lost his job and has been home for quite a while looking for work online. He has told me that he hasn’t been in touch with her, but I have discovered that he has added her back into his email and messaging contacts, and I have seen a couple new emails. He has special terms of endearment for her and told her to “know that you are constantly on my mind.” I see this as an emotional affair, he does not agree. What can I do? What should I do? This is the first time in our marriage that he seems more interested in another woman than with me. He professes his love for me, then talks (or more) to her on the side…

Devastated

Dear Devastated,

The first entry in the dictionary defines FRIEND as:

1 a : one attached to another by affection or esteem.

Your husband could be telling the truth when he says that he and “Jackie” were/are friends, but are they strictly platonic friends is the question at hand.  I could have bought that your husband and “Jackie” were Platonic friends if both parties kept their conversations open and not so confidential.

“Jackie” obviously stimulates your husband mentally &/or physically.  I do not feel that sending someone xxx photos is within the realm of a platonic friendship.  There must be some sort of attraction between them for him to refuse to give up contact and or relations with her online.

In order to best help you with you current situation, I feel that I should simply lay out the options along with the possibilities &/or consequences of each option, and allow you to make the choice that you are willing to accept and live with.

You have made valid effort in almost every aspect to salvage your marriage.  You have spoke to him from your heart, you have given him an ultimatum, you have sacrificed your comfort and trust, you have even tried to relive your youth thinking that was a possibility for your husbands stray-ward actions:  Yet none of these have worked 100% or he outright brushed you and the marriage off as his main priority.

25 years of marriage is a very long time.  It would be a difficult decision to end such a covenant as marriage.  If you choose to continue to push and fight in order to salvage what you have built, then let us start with prayer.  Asking God to guide you and to help take this matter into his hands could benefit you more than any other option.

By choosing to stay with your husband, then you are accepting his female friend and their friendship for what it is no matter the case.  This may cause even more hurt feelings for you as time goes by, but you could always try to be as persistent as possible in trying to get to know “Jackie” through your husband by asking numerous questions.  Maybe this would give you an idea of what it is about her that intrigues him so much, and maybe allow you to see what you could further work on in order to regain his interest for yourself.  Your questions could also make him feel guilt if there was anything to be ashamed of.

There is always professional marriage counseling that you could suggest attending with your husband.  If he refuses to go, and you have it in your heart to keep trying to make the best of your marriage, then you could also seek counseling yourself, alone.  Some people do not think they can afford this route financially, but there are places out there that have payment options, or are offered free such as church counselors.

If you find that you are tired of the lack of interest and lack of understanding   your husband has displayed toward your feelings and emotions deriving from this new friendship of his, then perhaps a separation could be another option.  By having or asking him to leave the house during this separation, he could feel what it would be like to be without you, and what it is he is missing if he chooses to pursue his friendship with “Jackie”. You must be aware though that not always do we get what we want or what we were trying for.  He may find that through the separation he is free to do as he chooses and strays even further.  Before choosing a separation or a divorce, be certain that you are through and can not take any more.

I personally feel that this “Jackie” suffers of very low self esteem.  If  she is married herself, and has confessed of having other online affairs, then she is probably just a girl that gets her kicks off of being someone online that she wishes she was in person.  I doubt seriously that “Jackie” is sincere about your husbands affection and endearments.  At some point, your husband will more than likely see this and realize that there is no hope in pursuing the current friendship any further because it is a dead end street. At this point, I hope he treasures what he has had in you all along and never strays again.

It can be healthy for married couples to have friends of opposite sexes, but where is the line drawn between friendship and something more such as an affair?  I would suggest that you look deep into your heart and figure out the extent of the lengths in which you are willing to go in order to save this marriage.  Are you willing to jeopardize self happiness for any given length of time in hopes of  regaining your husbands full respect?

Always,

Marsha

I am sitting here wondering how you could give such great marriage counseling to people when you yourself have been married more than once and had 4 children from at least three different men maybe four and are married to another man that doesnt father any of your children. I guess you could say you have been around the block a few times!!

Hmmmm What do you do if say an accidental pregnancy happens and the mother of the child does not contact the father of the child for say 15 years? And then when she is hurting for money she decides to take that childs father to court and sue him after all these years. I dont think that it is quite fair to leave the father out of the picture for all these years and miss his child grow up and then when the mother is hard press sue him for support once the child is pretty much grown. I think that mother should get a real job to begin with and then maybe a second job to support her child since she never wanted the father in the picture to begin with!!!

Dear Angela,

Thank you for viewing my site and thinking that I have been giving great advice.  Seeing as to how I am not certain as to who you are, or why you are passing judgment on me…allow me to give you a little deeper insight to my life.

You are correct, I have been married 2 previous times. I have 4 children all by 3 different fathers. However, what you do not know is that I was in fact married at the age of 17 before having my first 2 children.  This man became very physically abusive toward not only myself but to the children as well and arrested several times for it.  I soon found courage and escaped that relationship.  He still does not have contact with his children and they do not acknowledge him as “dad” either.  Since then, he has had 2 other failed marriages due to abuse…was it wrong to leave this situation?  I THINK NOT!

My third child was by a man that I had a 3 or 4 month fling with. When he found out I was pregnant, he left the picture quickly.  He did however inform me of his sisters name, and I had that address where his mother and sister lived.  He was a truck driver and probably always on the road, but that was no excuse to never reply to all the letters and photos I had sent the family.  I did try to involve him, but he would say that he was not the father.  I had even wrote him one day telling him that my ex and I had a DNA test done that proved my ex was NOT the father.  I requested this man at this point…nearly 4 years later…to send appropriate paperwork relinquishing his rights as father so that this child could be adopted by another man that would gladly take over the “Dad” role…but this as well as all other letters went unheeded.

I then married a young man that was a friend of my step brothers.  We did have my 4th child at this time.  We were married for 10 years before he decided he wanted to see what else was out there.

I was working as an EMT at 2 full time stations.  I was even Lieutenant at one station.  This was the best job in the world.  I have made so many friends in the medical field here and have gained a great name for my family and I.  I was even taking the paramedic classes to move on up.  I was offered a position as a flight medic once I graduated.  Sadly, that day never came for me.  As I was working an accident on the highway of a tractor trailer that jack knifed…I was the most injured patient taken to the hospital. I told my partner that I was not feeling well…they checked my heart rate and it was 180 bpm or beats per minute.  Once I was at the hospital, they noticed my heart at resting was going down to the 50s.  This is when I was sent to a cardiologist who performed many tests and observations of me.  It turns out that I have Sick Sinus Syndrome.  If you are not familiar with this…it is when the heart will beat too slow one minute then just jump sky high the next minute for no apparent reason but all awhile maintaining a healthy heart pattern.

Within one month from this accident, I had to have a pacemaker put in.  I was only 30 years old.  Even with the pacemaker, I was still having heart palpitations and not feeling “normal”.  Despite the pacemaker, I attempted to go back to work.  I worked for a year and a half longer before my next BIG episode happened.  This is when I was once again taken to the hospital by my co workers in MY ambulance and they decided I had to be taken off of work period.  My cardiologist was there and agreed it was too much stress for me.

This of course forced me to have to file for disability.  As anyone would know, it takes a great while before the disability is approved.

During this time, I had met a really great man.  He lived in Australia, and we met online actually.  We talked for nearly a year before he decided to come visit.  I had gotten to know his parents, friends, and other family before making the decision to meet.  On my 33rd birthday he showed up at the airport.  That was the best gift I could ever have.  We were wed shortly after that, and it has been such a great move on my behalf.  This is when I experienced TRUE LOVE for the first time in my life.  I know now what it is and am happy to share it with others.  My children love him and call him dad.  Even my 3rd son, that never knew his father…loves this man so much that he himself chose to have his name changed to my husbands last name.  Seeing as to how his father NEVER once wrote back to relinquish his fatherly rights…we could not do a formal adoption. This was the first choice of my husbands wishes…but things happen.  Seeing as to how I had never received a letter back from the 3rd sons biological father, we had no idea of his residency or how to locate him.  With this being noted in court, they allowed the legal name change.

I then began drawing my disability checks.  Once I started receiving the checks, I was forced by the courts to turn over child support payment history.  When I was questioned about my 3rd sons father, ALL I had was a name, an old address, his sisters name, and his fathers name.  I did tell them about the school he went to for his cdl’s…but that is all I knew.  I never thought that they would find this man…but it was not in my hands.

I was really saddened when they did find this man, and we both know who we are talking about.  I never had even discussed with his son about his father until this moment when I knew we had to go to court.  I did not want my boy thinking his dad left just because I was pregnant with him.  That would be a blow to any ones head.  His dad was a loser in my book and is still a loser in my boys book for doing such a thing.  He can not say he didn’t ever know he had a son, because during the child support court case, I was questioned through HIS attorney about this child being adopted and I had allegedly made mention that another man was going to or wanting to adopt him…Hmmm…that must have came from all those letter I sent and he never replied too huh?

Trust me, if I were able to work…I WOULD!  This was not done out of spite or any ill intentions.  I was forced to go through with this in order for me to draw my disability.

Now you asked how I gave such great advice…Well I think that answer is rather clear.  It took me 33 years to find the perfect man, and after dealing with losers like this all of my life…I think that makes me MORE than qualified. I have never been a floosy, but life has taken me to several “blocks” as you said.  Does this make me a bad person? I think not. I have learned some very valuable life lessons along the way.

I also give thanks to God for all the blessing he has put in my life. He is the one that should get all the glory. Without him, Who knows where I would be.

Now that you have my address…you can write if you so choose.  I am sorry you have such hard feelings against me.  I have never wronged you or your husband for that matter.  It sometimes helps to get the truth before bashing on something you know nothing of.  His sister, (and we know the similarities between our names), had told me that he did in fact see the baby pictures and knew of the letters as well…so don’t be fooled if he is saying different.

I am glad this could come out in the open. We were actually wondering if and when we would hear from you guys.  I know that you have a 13 year old son , and that your husband, or my ex was in the national guard. That only came out after they found you all in the state you now live in.  Have you discussed with your son that he does have a 1/2 brother in a neighboring state?

I want you to be happy, just as we are.  There is no reason for any hostility or angry tones to anyone.  Sarcasm is dangerous…Please do not post anything else that is deragatory on my site.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

I have been married now for about 2 1/2 yrs. and my husband is always so rude to my parents when they come to the house.  My parents do not have to say or do anything, but simply talk to me about one thing or another, and my husband is always sassing them under his breath where we can all hear he is being sarcastic. I am so tired of his behavior. It makes him look like an ass (forgive my language), it makes me feel horrible, and my parents- I can’t imagine what they think when he acts like this. What can I do to get this behavior to stop? I really am finding it hard to cope with. I love my parents, and I love my husband. I could understand a little better if my parents didn’t like him or something, but they have always liked him until recently. Why on earth would he be acting out like this when they are around for no reason?

Anything you could tell me will help I am sure.

Thanks,

Mistress of Rude

Dear Mistress of Rude,

The first thing you need to realize is that there has to be an underlying reason for this behavior.  He would not be acting out in such a manner if there were no cause for him to feel it necessary to act out in such a way.  I would suggest you talking to him and asking him why it is he always makes smart remarks under his breath toward your parents when they are over.  Something may be bothering him that he has not yet shared with you.  Getting to the core of any situation will help you to understand it and know how to deal with it more efficiently.

If he refuses to talk to you about this situation, then I would suggest you pay closer attention to what it is he is saying under his breath, and what the topic of conversation was at the time he chose to act out.  Keep a tablet and write down what was said by you and your parents right before he mumbled something, then write down what he said under his breath if you are able to make it out.  Try to see if there is a pattern of conversational topics that cause him to act out.  This may give you some insight as to what is bothering him.

Lastly, don’t be afraid to call him out on his behavior.  If he acts up again after you have tried getting him to talk to you and you still have no closure for his actions, then when it happens again, simply say, “What was that dear?”  Keep polite as much as possible to avoid unneccesarry arguments.  Try to get him to speak out in front of everyone about what it is that he is feeling at that moment.  Involve your parents.  Try to have them coax him into speaking up.  There may be a confrontation at that point, that is why I suggest doing it last, but with the confrontation, there may come resolution as well.

Always,

Marsha

Hello Marsha,
Hi. I’m 30 years old and have been with my husband for 9 1/2 yrs, married for 2. Recently there has been tension in our household and everytime I ask him what the problem is he never answers. I’ve noticed he’s been very quiet with me lately and just won’t let me in to what’s going on with him at all. He’s been laid off for about a couple of months now but he’s been using his time to coach youth football. He’s even started having some friendly conversations with a female who works for the league quite frequently. Everytime I enter the room and he’s on the phone, he immediately goes to a different place in our home or goes outside. He talks on his phone to these people for hours but when he comes in the house he’s completely quiet. I’ve been working 2nd shift for a while and since the recent birth of our 4th child, I had to start thinking about working different hours so I can be at home with the kids because his schedule is so demanding, even though he’s not working. Sometimes when I’m at work he doesn’t feed the kids dinner, but he’ll eat. I noticed some nights when I come home that our 3rd youngest son (who just turned 2) is in the bed without a pamper and he thinks that I shouldn’t be mad at this type of behavior. I’ve told him that he has his priorities mixed up but anything I say to him goes in one ear and out the other. I had a job interview today for a first shift position and he didn’t wish me luck or anything when I left. When I tried to tell him about the outcome of the interview and if it should be a good fit for us he just looked at me with a blank expression and didn’t offer any suggestions. I don’t know if it was the way he was brought up as a child that makes him act like this but it is tearing me up inside that he won’t share anything personal or intimate with me. He’s holding back his feelings toward me and I don’t think I can take another year with him.
What should I do?

Dear What Should I Do?,

The first and foremost thing I would do in your shoes is to say a little prayer for your marriage.  It sounds as if you are both struggling in your own ways. Marriage is a sacred blessing that God himself has bestowed upon you, and through him, your marriage can be made whole again.

I would like to ask if your husband was like this toward you before he started coaching football or before he was laid off from work?  It is possible that he is going through a midlife crises so to speak and with the loss of his job, he could be struggling to feel like a man.  The attention he is getting from being a coach makes him feel important and boosts his ego.  This is a very trying time for a man.  He most generally always goes through a state of depression, and how he handles this depression can vary greatly.

This is still not an excuse to exclude you from his life.  There should be no reason why he chooses to take his phone calls out of your ears reach.  He should be placing his family (you and the children) first and above all others outside of the home.  He should devote his attention to the children and their needs while you are away at work.  He should be very thankful that you are able to provide the income that supports not only the familys essentials to live, but his fuel, travel, and phone expenses as well.  If not for you, then where would he be?

You have shown that you are a dedicated wife to change your job and shift hours to comply with his demanding job as a volunteer coach.  I feel that for the sake of your family, you have made a great decision in doing so.  This will allow you more time with them and to provide for their needs.  This may also allow you more time to take the children to a few of these football games or practices that your husband coaches and to let him see you are there to support his efforts toward the team.

My suggestion to you is to try to get through to your husband with a letter.  Sometimes men need to see things in black and white before it hits home.  In this letter, tell him that everything you are doing, you are doing for him and the children, and that you want him to do the same.  Explain to him just how much you care about his feelings and you want to be there to support him through the good and the bad.  Just pour your heart out to him in a way that you think he will pay attention.  Try not to argue in the letter or in person face to face.  Arguing will not solve anything, and it is not healthy for the children to see mommy and daddy yelling at one another.

If after you have tried to do all that is within your power to salvage the marriage, and things remain the same between you both, then I would suggest seeking further advice from a professional marriage counselor.

Please feel free to write back anytime for general guidance and direction you may desire along the way.

Always,
Marsha

Marsha,

I have been married for 2 years now, and I have a very big complaint about my husband, and was wondering if you could help.

I am a clean freak. Everything has to be in its place. My closet alone is organized by season, color, size, etc. I believe that each drawer/closet should be assigned a certain item or type of items. Everything has its own place and that is where it should go.

The trouble is my husband is such a huge slob. Every day he just tosses his own clothes on the floor when changing, I don’t think he knows what a laundry hamper is. He doesn’t even as much as take his own dishes to the sink.

Marsha, I really don’t know how much more of this I can take. I do not want my whole life being spent working, coming home and tending to kids, if any in the future, and cleaning up after him too.

Please help us, I don’t know how much more I can take of this before I run.

Matrimonial Maid

Dear Matrimonial Maid,

I see flaws in both of your cleanliness habits.  From my prospective, you are too clean and perhaps expect too much from others, while your spouse is too much of a slob and doesn’t care enough to keep things clean.  You will both have to come to a happy medium concerning cleanliness around the house.

I would suggest that you start with yourself.  Lighten up on your expectations of clean. While most everyone likes to have a clean house, not everyone can be a perfectionists about it.  There just isn’t enough time in a day to go to work, come home, tend to kids, and put your green shirts on the right and the blue long sleeves to the left.  I would be happy if my clothes even made it to my closet instead of hanging up in the laundry room.

Try to accept clean as a form of tidiness and not so strictly organized. This could make it easier for your husband to follow.

Next, you should have a heart to heart talk with your husband. Explain to him that you would really appreciate it if he would make a little more effort in helping keep the house tidy.  Be specific about your requests.  Ask him if it would be too much for him to put his clothes in the hamper, or take his dishes to the sink or place them in the dishwasher.  You may also want to let him know that you will lighten up on your demands if he would be willing to help out a little more.

As far as running due to lack of cleanliness, this is an outrageous act of selfishness.  If you could leave him due to not picking up after himself, then I must ask if you really love him.  Have you ever thought that maybe he was used to his mother cleaning up his messes and he has yet to acquire the habit of doing so for himself? If this is his only flaw, then I would consider yourself very lucky.

Always,

Marsha

I am writing because my wife has been spending too much money recently on things that we do not need. I was wondering how I could politely yet stearnly let her know that her senseless spending is causing us financial issues that is  very stressful to me.  Trying to figure out where all the money goes each month, and how I am going to pay our bills, or what bill doesn’t get paid this month is really hard. Yet I appreciate what she does for me and wants to allow her some money to spend as she pleases, just not as much.

Sincerely,

Penny Pincher

Dear Penny Pincher,

It is true that financial situations can be difficult, and it seems that they are only getting worse for most people.  I have been so saddened by the fact that many are losing their homes due to jobs closing or relocating.  It is sad times we are in.

If her spending is causing financial stress, then it is important that you involve her in the paying of bills.  Try making out a budget.  I do this every month for my household and it most usually always works.

Start with putting your total monthly income in the right hand corner of a piece of paper.  Then start listing the bills for each month down the left hand side. Out from each bill, place how much the monthly average cost is.  If you pay certain bills annually or bi annually, then be sure to allocate the amount each would come to if paid monthly.  Tally up those figures, and write the total cost of living.  Remember to add things such as car repair/maintanence, doctor visits, or anything unexpected that usually comes up within a year.

Now subtract your monthly cost of living from your total monthly income.  This is the money that is left over each month.  If you wish to put some money into a savings account, then now is the time to subtract it.

Be certain to share this information with your wife.  This should give her some idea of how much she can spend each month or week on items that she desires.  Explain to her that you are only showing her this because you feel your finances are being hindered by her spending.  Show her that you are not trying to take away ALL spending, and you want her to have some personal cash, but it just has to be limited at this time.  Adding the words “I love you”  should help the conversation run smoothly. Sometimes when we see things in Black and White, it makes us understand it much better.

Always,

Marsha