]]> http://alwaysmarsha.com/2010/03/02/gone-country/feed/ 0 http://alwaysmarsha.com/2010/02/18/devastated/ http://alwaysmarsha.com/2010/02/18/devastated/#comments Thu, 18 Feb 2010 15:08:26 +0000 Marsha http://alwaysmarsha.com/?p=840 Marsha,

About a year or so ago, my husband of over 25 years met a woman (we’ll call her, Jackie, not her real name) online at a game/chat website. She is 11 years younger than him and has told him she is having 3 longterm affairs while currently married for 14 years. He played several games with her. Then they started exchanging emails, then instant messages. He would spend hours messaging her online while I was waiting for him to come to bed. I was uneasy about this friendship but believed and trusted my husband that this was all there was to it, friendship. Then they were calling each other and texting. He even texted her “Wish you were here” when we were on a date. I was mortified to find a 2 hour cell phone call in the middle of his work morning. I then checked his emails and found several that were XXX rated from her. I know some people may feel this was an invasion of his privacy but we have always been open to reading each others mail and going through wallets, if necessary.

I confronted him and he still claimed she was a “Good friend”. I was so furious that I told him to choose between us. He said he wouldn’t give her up. After several hours of reasoning with myself, I decided not to give up on us but drive her out of our relationship. I worked very hard to try to act like I did when we were 20 years old. It was horrid. I was wondering if & when he was talking to her. I wondered if he was thinking about her when we were intimate. I tried to explain my feelings to him so he would understand how hurt and devastated I was. He deleted her emails. Then he stopped calling her and texting. She tried to contact me to let the relationship continue. Then he said he had blocked her from instant messaging and emailing him.

So all should have been well with the world. But then he lost his job and has been home for quite a while looking for work online. He has told me that he hasn’t been in touch with her, but I have discovered that he has added her back into his email and messaging contacts, and I have seen a couple new emails. He has special terms of endearment for her and told her to “know that you are constantly on my mind.” I see this as an emotional affair, he does not agree. What can I do? What should I do? This is the first time in our marriage that he seems more interested in another woman than with me. He professes his love for me, then talks (or more) to her on the side…

Devastated

Dear Devastated,

The first entry in the dictionary defines FRIEND as:

1 a : one attached to another by affection or esteem.

Your husband could be telling the truth when he says that he and “Jackie” were/are friends, but are they strictly platonic friends is the question at hand.  I could have bought that your husband and “Jackie” were Platonic friends if both parties kept their conversations open and not so confidential.

“Jackie” obviously stimulates your husband mentally &/or physically.  I do not feel that sending someone xxx photos is within the realm of a platonic friendship.  There must be some sort of attraction between them for him to refuse to give up contact and or relations with her online.

In order to best help you with you current situation, I feel that I should simply lay out the options along with the possibilities &/or consequences of each option, and allow you to make the choice that you are willing to accept and live with.

You have made valid effort in almost every aspect to salvage your marriage.  You have spoke to him from your heart, you have given him an ultimatum, you have sacrificed your comfort and trust, you have even tried to relive your youth thinking that was a possibility for your husbands stray-ward actions:  Yet none of these have worked 100% or he outright brushed you and the marriage off as his main priority.

25 years of marriage is a very long time.  It would be a difficult decision to end such a covenant as marriage.  If you choose to continue to push and fight in order to salvage what you have built, then let us start with prayer.  Asking God to guide you and to help take this matter into his hands could benefit you more than any other option.

By choosing to stay with your husband, then you are accepting his female friend and their friendship for what it is no matter the case.  This may cause even more hurt feelings for you as time goes by, but you could always try to be as persistent as possible in trying to get to know “Jackie” through your husband by asking numerous questions.  Maybe this would give you an idea of what it is about her that intrigues him so much, and maybe allow you to see what you could further work on in order to regain his interest for yourself.  Your questions could also make him feel guilt if there was anything to be ashamed of.

There is always professional marriage counseling that you could suggest attending with your husband.  If he refuses to go, and you have it in your heart to keep trying to make the best of your marriage, then you could also seek counseling yourself, alone.  Some people do not think they can afford this route financially, but there are places out there that have payment options, or are offered free such as church counselors.

If you find that you are tired of the lack of interest and lack of understanding   your husband has displayed toward your feelings and emotions deriving from this new friendship of his, then perhaps a separation could be another option.  By having or asking him to leave the house during this separation, he could feel what it would be like to be without you, and what it is he is missing if he chooses to pursue his friendship with “Jackie”. You must be aware though that not always do we get what we want or what we were trying for.  He may find that through the separation he is free to do as he chooses and strays even further.  Before choosing a separation or a divorce, be certain that you are through and can not take any more.

I personally feel that this “Jackie” suffers of very low self esteem.  If  she is married herself, and has confessed of having other online affairs, then she is probably just a girl that gets her kicks off of being someone online that she wishes she was in person.  I doubt seriously that “Jackie” is sincere about your husbands affection and endearments.  At some point, your husband will more than likely see this and realize that there is no hope in pursuing the current friendship any further because it is a dead end street. At this point, I hope he treasures what he has had in you all along and never strays again.

It can be healthy for married couples to have friends of opposite sexes, but where is the line drawn between friendship and something more such as an affair?  I would suggest that you look deep into your heart and figure out the extent of the lengths in which you are willing to go in order to save this marriage.  Are you willing to jeopardize self happiness for any given length of time in hopes of  regaining your husbands full respect?

Always,

Marsha

Dear Gaming Nerd,

I am happy that you have found what you think will be a very interesting and joyful career for you.  It is important for each of us to be happy with our work or jobs if possible, to cut back on the stress.

I am familiar with Jagex and Runescape. Jagex actually stands for JAva Gaming EXperts.  This name came about because they exclusively write their games using the Java language.

If you would like a better look at understanding the Java Language, I would suggest you visit the following site:

http://java.sun.com/docs/books/tutorial/java/index.html

The career path you are looking for is called Video Game Design.  In this area of study, there are several additional directions in which you could go such as Graphic Design/Web Design, Game Art and Design, 3D Modeling, Media Arts and Animation and many others.

Here are a couple of web sites that may help guide you in deciding which path you would like to follow:

http://www.articlesbase.com/careers-articles/video-game-design-careers-where-to-start-423004.html

http://www.gamecareerguide.com/careers/

I think a basic step you could take now to start preparing for your career would be to learn the basic HTML &/or CSS codes.  The following website will help you to work with both for free:

http://www.html.net/

I will now also guide you to a website that offers you to play as you learn.  The following site allows you to build your own game.  This could teach you how to use placement as well as imagination for your gaming desires.

http://www.playcrafter.com/

Lastly, I will lead you to a couple of websites that offer you a place to build your own website for free using the pre designed layouts they have to offer.  Here you can list your progress or show off some of the new things you have learned.

http://www.webs.com/

http://webstarts.com/?lts=GGL+free%20website

Always,

Marsha

My family and I always go to amusement parks every summer. I like playing the games to win prizes, but I can not win at this game called a rope ladder game.

Do you know about it? Is there a trick to winning at it? Is it even possible to win? I have tried so many times, and have never won. I haven’t even seen anyone win.

Do you have any secrets to help me win the prize?

Rope Ladder Worrier

Dear Rope Ladder Worrier,

I too love amusement parks and festivals, and I am actually familiar with the game in question. The Rope Ladder Game is also referred to as Jacob’s Ladder. During my adventures, I have also witnessed the secret to winning the game as well.

The basic concept you must keep in mind is Balance. I have seen the rope ladder hung from many different angles, from nearly flat against the inflatable surface, to almost a 45* angle. I am not certain if that makes much of a difference or not. To maintain the appropriate balance to win, you must not only keep yourself balanced but the ladder as well. This will take practice.

When standing on the first rung of the ladder, find out where the center sweet spot is to level out the ladder as a whole. This is where you will focus your weight for shifting around.

The key is to make your movements in even motions on opposite sides of each rung. You start off by standing on the bottom rung, and your hands are on each end of the 3rd rung. The next step would be to slowly move your left hand to the 4th rung, and your right foot to the 2nd rung. Then you would move your right hand to the 4th rung, and your left foot to the 2 rung. Remember to shift your body weight as needed for each movement.

Seeing as to how reading directions can be confusing, I have found a video that can better demonstrate what I am talking about.

The Trick To Winning The Rope Ladder Game

If you are really good at keeping your balance, then there is a second option to winning the Rope Ladder Game, and that is to find that centered sweet spot, and walk it all the way up the ladder without using your hands. This is more difficult to accomplish, but here is another video showing a guy achieving this feat backwards! It has poor quality, but I think you will get the idea.

Walking the Rope Ladder Game Backwards and Winning!

Practice and Patience are a virtue.

Always,

Marsha

Thanks A Lot,

The Troubled PaintBaller

Dear Troubled PaintBaller,

You did not mention your age, so I have to assume that you are not old enough to be hired at a regular paying job. I think you are on the right track of doing odd jobs for your father at the Hotel he owns. I feel that your desire to earn your own money instead of using your fathers is very admirable and shows responsibility.

My suggestions would be if you have to walk your dog 3 times a day, then why not see if you can walk other dogs at the same time?  I’m not sure if your fathers hotel allows for pets, but if so, this could be a great job. If not, then you can always make a few posters to hang in near by shops or at the hotel itself to advertise your services.

There is also the option of delivering newspapers. I believe you would be old enough to do that.

I am not sure about the age limits, but I have heard that teens can also be hired to deliver milk.

You could try mowing others lawns too, or picking up sticks or clutter.

Just decide what you are willing to do, what jobs are accessible for you to do, how you would go about completing the job, and how much you wish to earn from each job. Then make your posters or ask around, and you will be on your way to earning extra cash.

Good luck in your paintball adventures.

Always,

Marsha

Hey Marsha,

I have got an odd question for you.  It was my birthday last week, and everyone gave me money to go toward a game system of my choice.  The only problem is, I am confused on what type of system I want.  There are 3 top choices out right now

The X Box 360

The Playstation 3 or PS3

and The Nintendo Wii (but this is my least favorite.)

Do you have any preference over any of those? Could you lead me to some comparison charts?

Indecisive Gamer

Dear Indecisive Gamer,

Happy Belated Birthday!

Your question was one that I personally knew nothing much about as far as a comparison would go. I had my gaming day back when the Atari was hot!

I do know the X Box 360 is well known and liked for the X BOX Live, I know the PS3 is made by Sony, and I know the Wii is popular for its interactiveness. That is about the extent of  my gaming system knowledge these days.

I did a little research and came up with a site that mostly compares the X Box 360 to the PS3, but it does mention the Wii as well.  I liked this site because the author was completely unbiased during his comparisons. He has articles of comparison from the 1 year mark and a recent 2 year mark as well. It is interesting to read them both to see how much each of them have or have not changed. This site covers most everything from costs, to graphics, and sound, memory, console colors, and much more. I would really like to encourage you to go here:

http://www.hardcoreware.net/playstation-3-vs-xbox-360-one-year-later/

I hope this is informative enough to help you make your game console decision.

Always,

Marsha

How do you get your 4 and 6 year old kids to learn to pick up after themselves, and teach them to do chores without making such a fuss about it.  I want them to be responsible children, and not slobs, but I am tired of always picking up after them and want them to learn how to do it for themselves.

Signed,

Barb B.

Dear Barb B.,

Teaching your children to clean up after themselves should begin at an early age.  I have found there is much success if you make cleaning fun too.

Turn cleaning into a game of “I Spy”.  One person would start by looking around for any object of a certain color that was out of place and say, “I spy with my little eye something of the color blue(or its corresponding color)” and the others playing would pick up items that were of that color, and put them in their appropriate place until the original spotted item was found. At that point the person that found the correct item would then get to choose their own item and tell of its color for the others to pick up.  Continue to do this until the room is clean. It is so much fun to do, that even I enjoyed playing. My kids would run around picking up every item they could of that mentioned color and put it in its right place. It really worked out great! We played this game in several rooms of the house, not just their bedrooms.

You can also make a chore chart and mark this chart daily with reward stars, or stickers.  If they have all 7 days marked with a star or sticker, then they are to be rewarded with something special. This could consist of something such as an ice cream cone, or an allowance, or maybe even a sleep over for their friends for a weekend.  You know your children best and could pick out an award that they would work toward each week. Be sure to stay on top of the stars or stickers though, or they will soon stop trying so hard to earn them.

I think the most vital step to teaching anyone anything is persistence. You must ensure that you keep up with your routine until they have it figured out on their own.  Do not assume that they can do it alone. Sometimes children need that extra incentive to get things done.

Always,

Marsha