I have known this girl since the first grade. We are really close. I have always thought she is beutiful (She is the most beutiful thing since Farrah Fawcett), but for the past few years, I have grown to REALLY like her. All our friends know about it. But she still don’t know. My friends think I should ask her out, and my friends parents think we should date. But I’m far too shy and I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship. We have so many things in common that I couldn’t count them on one finger. I really like her. What should I do?

Wondering In Kentucky

Dear Wondering In Kentucky,

I have written several times on this very same subject, and still feel that it is worth repeating.

Friendship and communication are the 2 key ingredients or solid foundation of any lasting relationship. I can only assume that You have both of those with knowing her and remaining friends after all these years.

I would suggest asking her out. If you did ask her out and she said “Yes”, then you will be the most pleased man around. However, if she said “No” or “We are just friends”, then at least you laid your feelings for her out on the table and no real harm was done.  This is by far the better option than to never ask her out in the first place and regret not knowing her answer or if she even felt the same about you or not.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

Dear Callie,

Why would you ignore Hayden if you liked him? If you brush him off until he graduates, then you may have blown your chance to get to know him better. You may wonder all of your life if this was the guy that you were meant to be with because of all of the uncanny circumstances taking place around him.

Make friendly chats with Kayla. Try to speak to her whenever she is around. Then feel free to ask her questions about Hayden. Tell her of the events that have occurred recently and how ironic you find it to be. Get her take on the situation and see if she is aware of anything.

Do not be discouraged no matter what direction the outcome may turn out to be.  If you talk to him and he really does like you, then be happy that you were bold enough to make the choice to talk to him directly.  If it turns out that he has a girlfriend, or a crush on someone else, then still be happy that you opened yourself up to a friendship with him that may not have been there had you stepped back and ignored him.

Always,

Dear Marsha,

For the past 4 months I’ve had the biggest crush I’ve ever had on one of my friends. A couple of months ago, I gathered up the courage I needed to tell him how I feel, but he replied that he only liked me as a friend. I’ve tried getting over it, but I just can’t, and it’s driving me crazy!! I keep wishing, hoping and praying that he’ll ask me out, even though I know that he won’t. I’ve thought about asking him out, and even come close to actually doing it a few times, but I’m scared, since he knows that I know that he doesn’t feel the same way about me. But at the same time, something is telling me that I won’t be able to get this out of my system unless I give it a shot. But considering it took me 4 hours of staring at my phone, saving drafts of text messages and cancelling sent ones just to tell him that I like him, I don’t think I have the courage to ask him out, even just as friends. What should I do??

-Loveless

Dear Loveless,

The most important thing right now is that you do not push yourself on him.  Most people that say they wish to be friends, mean that they do not have any feelings for you other than that of a sister/brother/or friendship kind of feeling.  Being too persistent may drive away that friendship feeling he currently has for you.

I am not going to say that this person will not ever change their mind and/or feelings toward you into something more, because that has happened in several relationships, but try not to get your hopes up for this.

A friendship is a great place to start a true and lasting relationship. Try to set your mind on the fact that this guy wishes to be your friend only. Then you can start doing things as friends, such as going to the mall, the theater, a local hang out, or even over to each others home for supper and a movie/swim, etc.

By spending time together, you are getting to know each other a lot more and that in return builds a stronger friendship. A friendship can last forever where boyfriends and girlfriends come and go.

Try not to be too disappointed though if he someday finds a girlfriend that he wants you to meet. Stay strong and happy for him. If they do not work out, it very well may be you that he comes to for comfort. Try to remain positive and not say bad things about the ex girlfriend. Try to always be his shoulder of support instead. One day he will see how much of a friend he has in you and how much love you have for him.

My last bit of advice is not to close other doors because of this guy either. If another guy shows interest in you, it may be worth giving him a try. If you push him away because of your feelings for this first guy, then maybe you will miss your chance at the true love you are seeking.

Always,

Marsha

Marsha,

About a year or so ago, my husband of over 25 years met a woman (we’ll call her, Jackie, not her real name) online at a game/chat website. She is 11 years younger than him and has told him she is having 3 longterm affairs while currently married for 14 years. He played several games with her. Then they started exchanging emails, then instant messages. He would spend hours messaging her online while I was waiting for him to come to bed. I was uneasy about this friendship but believed and trusted my husband that this was all there was to it, friendship. Then they were calling each other and texting. He even texted her “Wish you were here” when we were on a date. I was mortified to find a 2 hour cell phone call in the middle of his work morning. I then checked his emails and found several that were XXX rated from her. I know some people may feel this was an invasion of his privacy but we have always been open to reading each others mail and going through wallets, if necessary.

I confronted him and he still claimed she was a “Good friend”. I was so furious that I told him to choose between us. He said he wouldn’t give her up. After several hours of reasoning with myself, I decided not to give up on us but drive her out of our relationship. I worked very hard to try to act like I did when we were 20 years old. It was horrid. I was wondering if & when he was talking to her. I wondered if he was thinking about her when we were intimate. I tried to explain my feelings to him so he would understand how hurt and devastated I was. He deleted her emails. Then he stopped calling her and texting. She tried to contact me to let the relationship continue. Then he said he had blocked her from instant messaging and emailing him.

So all should have been well with the world. But then he lost his job and has been home for quite a while looking for work online. He has told me that he hasn’t been in touch with her, but I have discovered that he has added her back into his email and messaging contacts, and I have seen a couple new emails. He has special terms of endearment for her and told her to “know that you are constantly on my mind.” I see this as an emotional affair, he does not agree. What can I do? What should I do? This is the first time in our marriage that he seems more interested in another woman than with me. He professes his love for me, then talks (or more) to her on the side…

Devastated

Dear Devastated,

The first entry in the dictionary defines FRIEND as:

1 a : one attached to another by affection or esteem.

Your husband could be telling the truth when he says that he and “Jackie” were/are friends, but are they strictly platonic friends is the question at hand.  I could have bought that your husband and “Jackie” were Platonic friends if both parties kept their conversations open and not so confidential.

“Jackie” obviously stimulates your husband mentally &/or physically.  I do not feel that sending someone xxx photos is within the realm of a platonic friendship.  There must be some sort of attraction between them for him to refuse to give up contact and or relations with her online.

In order to best help you with you current situation, I feel that I should simply lay out the options along with the possibilities &/or consequences of each option, and allow you to make the choice that you are willing to accept and live with.

You have made valid effort in almost every aspect to salvage your marriage.  You have spoke to him from your heart, you have given him an ultimatum, you have sacrificed your comfort and trust, you have even tried to relive your youth thinking that was a possibility for your husbands stray-ward actions:  Yet none of these have worked 100% or he outright brushed you and the marriage off as his main priority.

25 years of marriage is a very long time.  It would be a difficult decision to end such a covenant as marriage.  If you choose to continue to push and fight in order to salvage what you have built, then let us start with prayer.  Asking God to guide you and to help take this matter into his hands could benefit you more than any other option.

By choosing to stay with your husband, then you are accepting his female friend and their friendship for what it is no matter the case.  This may cause even more hurt feelings for you as time goes by, but you could always try to be as persistent as possible in trying to get to know “Jackie” through your husband by asking numerous questions.  Maybe this would give you an idea of what it is about her that intrigues him so much, and maybe allow you to see what you could further work on in order to regain his interest for yourself.  Your questions could also make him feel guilt if there was anything to be ashamed of.

There is always professional marriage counseling that you could suggest attending with your husband.  If he refuses to go, and you have it in your heart to keep trying to make the best of your marriage, then you could also seek counseling yourself, alone.  Some people do not think they can afford this route financially, but there are places out there that have payment options, or are offered free such as church counselors.

If you find that you are tired of the lack of interest and lack of understanding   your husband has displayed toward your feelings and emotions deriving from this new friendship of his, then perhaps a separation could be another option.  By having or asking him to leave the house during this separation, he could feel what it would be like to be without you, and what it is he is missing if he chooses to pursue his friendship with “Jackie”. You must be aware though that not always do we get what we want or what we were trying for.  He may find that through the separation he is free to do as he chooses and strays even further.  Before choosing a separation or a divorce, be certain that you are through and can not take any more.

I personally feel that this “Jackie” suffers of very low self esteem.  If  she is married herself, and has confessed of having other online affairs, then she is probably just a girl that gets her kicks off of being someone online that she wishes she was in person.  I doubt seriously that “Jackie” is sincere about your husbands affection and endearments.  At some point, your husband will more than likely see this and realize that there is no hope in pursuing the current friendship any further because it is a dead end street. At this point, I hope he treasures what he has had in you all along and never strays again.

It can be healthy for married couples to have friends of opposite sexes, but where is the line drawn between friendship and something more such as an affair?  I would suggest that you look deep into your heart and figure out the extent of the lengths in which you are willing to go in order to save this marriage.  Are you willing to jeopardize self happiness for any given length of time in hopes of  regaining your husbands full respect?

Always,

Marsha

Hi Marsha
I am a father of two, a young girl and a very young boy.
I have been with my spouse for seven years now with a month or two gap some were near three years in to the relationship.
My partner is a very attractive lady and i am not so attractive.
When we got back together my spouse and her sister (whom lived with us for a while) were arguing and her sister said “have you told him about him Clayton?”
When I confronted my spouse she denied everything and I let it lay.
but over the past few years it has been eating away at me slowly making me more insecure than ever before.
As it was on my mind I confronted my spouse again calmly stating “I will not get angry or be mad at you but I just need to know what **** was talking about.”
This time my spouse told me that she had been “talking to a guy on the internet and texting him” this was a bit of a surprise as my spouse is not usually like this.
As I asked more questions like “did you meet up with him?” and what did the texts entail?” she just laughs and clams up.
This doesn’t help the matter but makes me more insecure. She has a go at me every time for talking to a female friend online but she know that we are just friends but doesn’t like it much.
I am worried that she may have done something with this guy and it would break my heart if she has but I need to know the truth.
I could ask her sister but then I would feel like I’m going behind her back and acting foolish.
PLEASE PLEASE from a woman’s perspective could you shed some light on this for me and help me figure a way to find out before I turn truly insecure and end up with out a relationship.

I know I shouldn’t ask her or find out as it would kill me if she did but I need to know to rebuild trust and our relationship, she has told me before that she didn’t do anything with anyone but then this all came out, so if she could lie about this what else is she not telling me?

Many thanks,
Mr. insecure

Dear Mr. Insecure,

If you have ever heard the expression to let sleeping dogs lie, then this is the perfect example of what it means.

You have decided to continue your relationship for 4 years after this situation has occurred, (no matter what may have gone on.) The real story of what happened may have been bothering you all this time, but through it all, you have chosen to maintain and continue to build your relationship.  There is no reason why this should have been brought up again unless you are looking for an escape route out of the relationship.

Ask yourself this: If something more such as an innocent meeting or perhaps a little kiss did happen nearly 4 years ago, are you willing to let everything the two of you now share together – go?

With your wife being with you instead of this Clayton character, she has chosen you over him.  No matter if they were simply texting one another or if she had met him in person.  There is no reason to feel insecure, you were her pick. There must be love between you both, and love can and will conquer all.

She probably feels insecure herself when you are talking online to your female friend.  This probably derives from her knowing how easy it was for her to find some other guy to talk to by doing the same thing.  She knows that she could have left and never looked back if that is where she wanted to be, and fears that you will possibly do the same to her at some point.

It sounds to me as if you both have insecurity issues with one another and you need to work on those first.  If neither of you have done anything wrong to one another since you made up after those 2 or 3 months apart, then stop being so jealous and insecure.  This will surely hinder your relationship in the long run.  Know in your hearts that you both are with each other because you choose to be with each other and at any given time either of you could up and quit, but you won’t because you LOVE one another.

There is nothing wrong for both of you to have friends of the opposite sex as long as it is strictly platonic and you try to involve one another often in your conversations.  It is actually healthy to always have another genders perspective on topics in life.  This can often lead to allowing you to have some insight as to how the other may feel on many subjects which will allow you each to understand one another better.

Lastly I would like to say that you told your spouse that you would not get mad no matter what, then mean what you say, and let it go.  Honesty builds trust, she gave you her trust, now you must give her your honesty. Do not go behind her back and ask her sister.  Her sister may tell you her perspective on what happened and not the truth of what really went on.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

I am having trouble defining the difference between Love and Lust. My family tells me that I fall for every guy that comes my way. I tell them that I love each man differently, but I love them. When they ask me what it is about him/them that I love, I don’t really have much to say. They then tell me that it isn’t love, it is more of a lust. Yes I do have relations with them, but that isn’t what makes me love them. I will usually date them for a year or so, then for one reason or another, we split up.

How can I tell if I really Love these guys and try to make relationships work, or do I only have a Lusting desire for them. What can I look for to let me know the difference.

Lustful Love

Dear Lustful Love,

I am going to start by giving you the basic definitions of both terms as defined in the Merriam Dictionary Online.

LOVE:

• Function: noun
• Etymology: Middle English, from Old English lufu; akin to Old High German luba love, Old English lēof dear, Latin lubēre, libēre to please
• Date: before 12th century

1 a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates> b : an assurance of love <give her my love>
2 : warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <love of the sea>
3 a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration <baseball was his first love> b (1) : a beloved person : darling —often used as a term of endearment (2) British —used as an informal term of address
4 a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) : brotherly concern for others b : a person’s adoration of God
5 : a god or personification of love
6 : an amorous episode : love affair
7 : the sexual embrace : copulation or making Love
8 : a score of zero (as in tennis)
9 capitalized Christian Science : god

— at love : holding one’s opponent scoreless in tennis

— in love : inspired by affection

LUST:

• Function: noun
• Etymology: Middle English, from Old English; akin to Old High German lust pleasure and perhaps to Latin lascivus wanton
• Date: before 12th century

1 obsolete a : pleasure, delight b : personal inclination : wish
2 : usu. intense or unbridled sexual desire : lasciviousness
3 a : an intense longing : craving <a lust to succeed> b : enthusiasm, eagerness <admired his lust for life>

From these definitions we can see that both Love and Lust have a desire for Sex.  However, Lust carries more of a sexually driven desire and in Love your sexual desire comes from your admiration, caring, and devotion to your partner.

When you truly Love someone, you will carry most all of the traits defined in the above definition for your partner.  You will admire them, you will devote your time and heart to them, you will put them first in your life, you will adore them and be very unselfish with them, you will always have their best of interest at heart.  The one you love will be your friend, you will always want to be around them even if sex is not involved, just to cuddle with, or talk to them as you would your best friend with many common interests.  This person is the only person you see yourself with for the remainder of your life.  You will remain faithful and true to them in every aspect.  You feel as if life could or would not go on without them.

If it is Lust, you will find that you crave sex more than their friendship.  You are more concerned about getting them to bed or undressed more so then the tenderness and affection.  If sex is the only thing you can agree on, then it is probably Lust.  If you find yourself comparing one partner to the next partners sexual abilities, then more than likely it is LUST and not LOVE.

I would suggest you take time in building your next relationship.  You should want your lover to be your best friend, and to make certain you are both able to communicate well with one another. You should enjoy the company of each other, and sex is not a driven factor of your desire to be with him.  It is important that you both share common values, morals, and goals in life.  If you love someone, you should have no troubles sharing with the world “why” you love them.

Always,

Marsha

I’ve got a little problem.
There’s this girl I really like at school and I mean really like.  She always gives me hugs and stuff and she was normally like that with others but not  so much any more just one or two.  She apparently goes out on a night with friends from school but I don’t as I’ve got exams for next years Computer course.  She doesn’t really seem to show many big signs of fancying me so to speak but i really fancy her a lot.
If u have any advice please could u reply Marsha
Thanks a lot!!!

DreamWeaver

Dear DreamWeaver,

The foundation of any relationship is communication.  I can understand you may not wish to outright ask her if she likes you or not, because that would make you feel uncomfortable.  Especially if she told you yes “But Just As Friends.”

However, friendship is a good place to start.  In all lasting relationships, there must be friendship.  She obviously thinks of you as a good friend to be giving you hugs.

Start slow, talk to her regularly. Get to know more about her and allow her to know more about you. Talk about things you enjoy and be sure to ask her questions about things she likes.  Make her feel like you really want to get to know her. If she is interested as more than friends, you will start to see the signs.

Even if at some point she opens up to you and tells you that she only wishes to be friends…don’t be too discouraged. You will now have the courage to talk to other gals more easily.

Always,

Marsha