I’ve been friends with my best friend for a few years now. All my other friends and myself have always considered “Abby” to be a bit on the immature and naive side when it came to relationships. I was there throughout her first real “heart break” and she eventually got over it. Then along came “John.” at first, they seemed like a good couple. It made me happy to see her happy, considering she was unhappy about her last boyfriend for so long.

For the first few months everything was good. Then I started to become suspicious about John. He would always hint things at Abby, saying she needed to workout (even though she was already REALLY skinny) and always telling her what she should do. Abby never thought anything of it, and even though she would tell me what he’d say, she’d always defend him against me defending her.

Their relationship lasted about 8-10 months, but they were never exclusive. Abby always tried saying “patience is a virtue,” but I know deep inside she really wanted to be his actual girlfriend. She did whatever he wanted her to do, which resulted in her going against her own morals. He started to become more and more demanding and in turn they started arguing a lot. She would call me crying numerous times almost every night. As her best friend, this obviously put a strain on me too. I would always tell her she doesn’t need to put up with it, but she would always say, “Well hopefully he’ll change…”

During the last few months of their relationship, things got really bad for Abby’s home life (partially because of John, too). She even came to live with me and my family. Being up close and personal with her gave me a better idea of what her relationship with John was like. He was completely unsupportive, selfish, and just plain mean. But of course, she was still hoping for the best. Me and her had to share a bed with her at night, and I don’t know how many times I had to stay up late with her because she’d be crying – because of him.

My final straw with their relationship was when she decided to go spend mother’s day with his family instead of mine, even though MY mother had been supporting her with her drama with him and her own family as well. However, when he realized how far away my house was from his, he refused to come pick her up. Me and her had a long talk about him later on that day, and I thought she was fed up. I suppose they had their last conversation officially “ending” them, but she never told me exactly what happened.

After a few months, Abby moved to a new city, got a job, and seemed to be doing a whole lot better without him. But I know she never got over him. She never really tried to in my opinion. To her, he was her ideal choice of a man (for whatever reason…). She was with one of our friends from high school throughout summer, but again, nothing official. With this guy, she seemed distant, claiming she didn’t want anything serious like she had with john.

Now here’s where I need advice: It’s been months since Abby and john ended. That was back in May, and now she’s told me they have started talking again. She said she doesn’t want to rush into anything with him and whatever happens, happens, and that they’re “just friends”. However, I know her very well, and by the things she posts on twitter and Facebook I know she really wants to be with him again and that they’re a little more than just friends.

I’m all for her being happy, but she doesn’t realize that John has put a huge strain on mine and her friendship. She knows I hate him with a passion, so she doesn’t tell me anything that goes on with them. With us not in school anymore and not even living in the same city, we hardly talk at all. She’s told me before that she lost a lot of her friends in high school because of her relationship with her ex-boyfriend. I don’t think she gets that this can possibly happen again. My question isn’t if I should tell her how I feel, because she already knows. My question is how to I make her realize what’s going on? Or maybe is it just best that we end our friendship? If she IS the same Abby I know, I know she’ll go back to john. I just don’t want to hear about it when things fall apart again, because it really does bother me to hear about him. Helping her with her problems just causes more for me, and I’m finally done putting up with it. So should I wait and tell her when she comes crying to me or just give her a “heads up” now? Also, am  I considered a bad friend because i’ve told her I don’t want to hear about her a John? My minds all over the place. HELP!

A Concerned Friend

Dear A Concerned Friend,

Your friend already knows that you disapprove over her decision to pursue contact with someone that hurt her once before. She remembers how many nights you stayed up talking to her and trying to comfort her. She knows that you and your family were there for her when hers went bad, and how you opened your home and hearts to her in her time of need. You will always be her friend no matter what relationships she may endure throughout life.

Right now it seems as if she could be in Love with the idea of being in Love. She wants to have a relationship so badly that she is blinded by all the negatives that this man has put her through in the past. He may even have apologized to her for the way he treated her in their high school days. We do not know, or at least it was not mentioned, and if he did, this may be consolation enough to her in helping her decide to give him another chance.

She will have to be the only one to make this decision. We could talk to her until we are blue in the face, but ultimately it is her decision and only she can decide what is best for her. As her friend, it is important that you are there for her. If she calls, do not become emotionally attached to her situation. Keep in mind it is her decision and she has to be the one to see the light or the dark in her own life. If she calls to whine, just keep in mind that she loves you enough to hear your advice even though she may not follow it. Anything you say to her, could eventually help guide her to see this relationship for what it really is and not what she wants it to be.

You are either a Friend or NOT.  Friends do not judge by who you date, what you wear, where you go, or where you come from. Friends are for life, they have a marriage of their own through the good and the bad.  You have to decide if she is worth friendship or just letting go as someone you once knew.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

For the past 4 months I’ve had the biggest crush I’ve ever had on one of my friends. A couple of months ago, I gathered up the courage I needed to tell him how I feel, but he replied that he only liked me as a friend. I’ve tried getting over it, but I just can’t, and it’s driving me crazy!! I keep wishing, hoping and praying that he’ll ask me out, even though I know that he won’t. I’ve thought about asking him out, and even come close to actually doing it a few times, but I’m scared, since he knows that I know that he doesn’t feel the same way about me. But at the same time, something is telling me that I won’t be able to get this out of my system unless I give it a shot. But considering it took me 4 hours of staring at my phone, saving drafts of text messages and cancelling sent ones just to tell him that I like him, I don’t think I have the courage to ask him out, even just as friends. What should I do??

-Loveless

Dear Loveless,

The most important thing right now is that you do not push yourself on him.  Most people that say they wish to be friends, mean that they do not have any feelings for you other than that of a sister/brother/or friendship kind of feeling.  Being too persistent may drive away that friendship feeling he currently has for you.

I am not going to say that this person will not ever change their mind and/or feelings toward you into something more, because that has happened in several relationships, but try not to get your hopes up for this.

A friendship is a great place to start a true and lasting relationship. Try to set your mind on the fact that this guy wishes to be your friend only. Then you can start doing things as friends, such as going to the mall, the theater, a local hang out, or even over to each others home for supper and a movie/swim, etc.

By spending time together, you are getting to know each other a lot more and that in return builds a stronger friendship. A friendship can last forever where boyfriends and girlfriends come and go.

Try not to be too disappointed though if he someday finds a girlfriend that he wants you to meet. Stay strong and happy for him. If they do not work out, it very well may be you that he comes to for comfort. Try to remain positive and not say bad things about the ex girlfriend. Try to always be his shoulder of support instead. One day he will see how much of a friend he has in you and how much love you have for him.

My last bit of advice is not to close other doors because of this guy either. If another guy shows interest in you, it may be worth giving him a try. If you push him away because of your feelings for this first guy, then maybe you will miss your chance at the true love you are seeking.

Always,

Marsha

Lifetime friends sitting on a wooden bridge eating lunch.

Photo taken by:

Always

Marsha

Marsha,

About a year or so ago, my husband of over 25 years met a woman (we’ll call her, Jackie, not her real name) online at a game/chat website. She is 11 years younger than him and has told him she is having 3 longterm affairs while currently married for 14 years. He played several games with her. Then they started exchanging emails, then instant messages. He would spend hours messaging her online while I was waiting for him to come to bed. I was uneasy about this friendship but believed and trusted my husband that this was all there was to it, friendship. Then they were calling each other and texting. He even texted her “Wish you were here” when we were on a date. I was mortified to find a 2 hour cell phone call in the middle of his work morning. I then checked his emails and found several that were XXX rated from her. I know some people may feel this was an invasion of his privacy but we have always been open to reading each others mail and going through wallets, if necessary.

I confronted him and he still claimed she was a “Good friend”. I was so furious that I told him to choose between us. He said he wouldn’t give her up. After several hours of reasoning with myself, I decided not to give up on us but drive her out of our relationship. I worked very hard to try to act like I did when we were 20 years old. It was horrid. I was wondering if & when he was talking to her. I wondered if he was thinking about her when we were intimate. I tried to explain my feelings to him so he would understand how hurt and devastated I was. He deleted her emails. Then he stopped calling her and texting. She tried to contact me to let the relationship continue. Then he said he had blocked her from instant messaging and emailing him.

So all should have been well with the world. But then he lost his job and has been home for quite a while looking for work online. He has told me that he hasn’t been in touch with her, but I have discovered that he has added her back into his email and messaging contacts, and I have seen a couple new emails. He has special terms of endearment for her and told her to “know that you are constantly on my mind.” I see this as an emotional affair, he does not agree. What can I do? What should I do? This is the first time in our marriage that he seems more interested in another woman than with me. He professes his love for me, then talks (or more) to her on the side…

Devastated

Dear Devastated,

The first entry in the dictionary defines FRIEND as:

1 a : one attached to another by affection or esteem.

Your husband could be telling the truth when he says that he and “Jackie” were/are friends, but are they strictly platonic friends is the question at hand.  I could have bought that your husband and “Jackie” were Platonic friends if both parties kept their conversations open and not so confidential.

“Jackie” obviously stimulates your husband mentally &/or physically.  I do not feel that sending someone xxx photos is within the realm of a platonic friendship.  There must be some sort of attraction between them for him to refuse to give up contact and or relations with her online.

In order to best help you with you current situation, I feel that I should simply lay out the options along with the possibilities &/or consequences of each option, and allow you to make the choice that you are willing to accept and live with.

You have made valid effort in almost every aspect to salvage your marriage.  You have spoke to him from your heart, you have given him an ultimatum, you have sacrificed your comfort and trust, you have even tried to relive your youth thinking that was a possibility for your husbands stray-ward actions:  Yet none of these have worked 100% or he outright brushed you and the marriage off as his main priority.

25 years of marriage is a very long time.  It would be a difficult decision to end such a covenant as marriage.  If you choose to continue to push and fight in order to salvage what you have built, then let us start with prayer.  Asking God to guide you and to help take this matter into his hands could benefit you more than any other option.

By choosing to stay with your husband, then you are accepting his female friend and their friendship for what it is no matter the case.  This may cause even more hurt feelings for you as time goes by, but you could always try to be as persistent as possible in trying to get to know “Jackie” through your husband by asking numerous questions.  Maybe this would give you an idea of what it is about her that intrigues him so much, and maybe allow you to see what you could further work on in order to regain his interest for yourself.  Your questions could also make him feel guilt if there was anything to be ashamed of.

There is always professional marriage counseling that you could suggest attending with your husband.  If he refuses to go, and you have it in your heart to keep trying to make the best of your marriage, then you could also seek counseling yourself, alone.  Some people do not think they can afford this route financially, but there are places out there that have payment options, or are offered free such as church counselors.

If you find that you are tired of the lack of interest and lack of understanding   your husband has displayed toward your feelings and emotions deriving from this new friendship of his, then perhaps a separation could be another option.  By having or asking him to leave the house during this separation, he could feel what it would be like to be without you, and what it is he is missing if he chooses to pursue his friendship with “Jackie”. You must be aware though that not always do we get what we want or what we were trying for.  He may find that through the separation he is free to do as he chooses and strays even further.  Before choosing a separation or a divorce, be certain that you are through and can not take any more.

I personally feel that this “Jackie” suffers of very low self esteem.  If  she is married herself, and has confessed of having other online affairs, then she is probably just a girl that gets her kicks off of being someone online that she wishes she was in person.  I doubt seriously that “Jackie” is sincere about your husbands affection and endearments.  At some point, your husband will more than likely see this and realize that there is no hope in pursuing the current friendship any further because it is a dead end street. At this point, I hope he treasures what he has had in you all along and never strays again.

It can be healthy for married couples to have friends of opposite sexes, but where is the line drawn between friendship and something more such as an affair?  I would suggest that you look deep into your heart and figure out the extent of the lengths in which you are willing to go in order to save this marriage.  Are you willing to jeopardize self happiness for any given length of time in hopes of  regaining your husbands full respect?

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

My husband and I were married in June of this year.  I am so very thankful for him and our marriage is still strong. I have never been married before, and I was raised by a single mother myself. I have a question that is really bothering me and I was wondering if you can help.

See, my mother is all alone in the state we live in. I have an older brother, but he hardly ever comes to visit us. My husband said that since we spent Thanksgiving here with her, then we must go visit his family at Christmas.  He did not tell me that this was the situation at Thanksgiving, or else I may have chose to spend Thanksgiving at his parents place and Christmas at mine. I can’t stomach leaving my mother alone at Christmas.

What can I do? I know my husband wants to spend time with his family too, but they live in the state next to us and it takes 8 hours to get there. I don’t want my mom to feel all alone and left out.

Christmas Alone

Dear Christmas Alone,

Holidays are meant to be spent with family and friends.  It is important that you and your husband do spend time with his family as well as with yours.  I understand your concerns, and know how important your mother is to you.  You show that you truly love and respect her by wanting to include her.

With that being said I have 3 options and I feel that either of these 3 will hlep you to not be so blue over Christmas.

#1.  Ask your husband to ask his parents if it is ok to bring your mother with you.  It is after all the holiday season, and people are more open with their hearts and homes during this time of year.  I do not see where this should be a problem at all.

#2. Call your brother and ask him to please come and spend Christmas with your mother while you are away at your -n- laws.  Tell him that you do not wish for her to be alone during this fragile time and that she misses him dearly and this is the perfect opportunity for a visit.

#3.  Maybe your husband would be willing for you both to spend part of Christmas Eve with your mother, and then travel on to his parents late that evening.

What ever option you choose, just be open with your feelings and be certain to inform your mother of the possibilities in advance.

With most all marriages, holidays are to be shared between parents and family members on both sides.  Perhaps next year you could host the Christmas and/or Thanksgiving get together(s) at your home to invite everyone from both sides.

No one deserves to be left out totally, and I do not think that this is your husbands intent.  Try to cheer up, there is a resolution out there for you all to be happy with.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,
I’ve been waiting for my fiance in Egypt for over 2 years now, and now it’s getting closer to the time for him to come here to the USA with me, and my family doesn’t want to hear his name or anything about him.
It makes me frustrated cause he is the center of my life right now, and at times I want to share things with people about him or about what he has done recently etc.
I’ve come to the part where, when he does get here, for all the times people didn’t encourage me to wait for him nor did they want to hear anything of his name, it just makes me want to take him around all these people and have my say in the end, that they were wrong about him, and he is here. But yet another part of me, just wants to do our thing and wait awhile before going around anybody, saying, this is our time.
I felt all these years, I only had a couple of people supporting me through this process, but I feel in the end everybody will want to listen, but I won’t have anything to say.

Is this right? How should I handle this?

Thanks in advance Marsha,

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

I was stunned to read that your own family members did not want to hear anything of your fiance’s name.  They should respect your decisions to marry him, and be supportive all the way.  Unless they have sound reasons for disliking him, or he himself has done something to cause them to dislike him, then these family members have no justifications for their behavior.

Perhaps these family members feel they are doing right by not allowing you to get your hopes up of this mans arrival from Egypt.  They themselves are not as close to him as you are, and are being skeptical of his arrival.  I still think they are going about it the wrong way.  To hide or to sweep something under the rug so to speak, is not solving anything.  They should be more open and direct with you by having a heart to heart chat.  If they took time to listen to what you have to say about him, then maybe they would be a little more relaxed and open about the situation.

My suggestion to you is to remain true to yourself.  When your fiance arrives to be with you after these past couple of  years, do not go out of your way to call or visit these family members just to say “I told you so”.  If you were to take him around and flaunt him off, they would more than likely still be negative in saying that the both of you would not work out.  They say that silence is golden.  If you focus your attention on your fiance, and only attend scheduled family events, then they will be able to see how happy the both of you are.

I also feel that taking your fiance around these negative minded family members may create  undue stress for your you both.  Make it your goal to keep his appearance positive, and allow him to be thankful for his move to the USA.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

My son has recently found a new group of kids to hang out with. This group of boys are very bad influences on him. When my son was arrested last week for stealing, I asked him what was he thinking. He reply was that they dared him to. I do not think these so called friends are a part of a gang, but it does worry me because their actions are not well intended by far.

My son was always well behaved, and made great grades in school. It has only been this summer that he has started to act out. I have tried talking to him about his actions and the consequences that could occur, but I just get a shrug of his shoulders. He is 14, going on 24 in his eyes. I can not get through to him. I need serious help and fast.

What would you do?

A Concerned Mother

Dear Concerned Mother,

I agree something needs to be done about his actions. You also need to regain the reigns on him as soon as possible. If he is not listening to your advice, then it is time to become more stearn and show a little Tough Love.

Seeing as to how he has already been arrested for theft, you should be able to contact your local authorities office and ask if they have a program for unruly children to be “Scared Straight”. This is where the officer will show up at your residence, his school, or any designated time and place to actually place handcuffs on him, take him in to be arrested, and give him a hard core tour of the jail or prison. They will talk stern to him and ask if this is the life he wants to persue.  Sometimes they even let prisoners talk to your son or daughter to explain their story and what ended them up in the prison.  I have even heard of programs that allow your child to spend the night in the jail or prison to see what it would be like to live as a prisoner, and to witness this life up front and personal.

I would suggest that you do not allow him to tell you “NO” about hanging out with his friends. He is still young enough that he must start to show respect toward your wishes. You must tell yourself that no matter how bad he hurts your feelings by calling you names, or saying he hates you, that you ultimately have his best of interest at heart and will not back down from your rules. Maybe you could enroll him in a program or sport that would occupy his free time . Try to find something he likes and would enjoy. The local YMCA would be a great place to start. Doing this would hopefully bring him closer to others his age with a common interest.

You may also consider family therepy to get to the depths of his underlying reasons on why he wishes to hang out with those so called friends in the first place. Sometimes our actions are from something that is bothering us on the inside.

Lastly, I would advice for you to spend as much quality time with your son as possible. Lead by example. Show him you love him and want to be a part of his life in a positive way. You could designate a game night, a movie night, or dinner night. The choices are endless. Showing your son that you enjoy his company and wish to be an active part of his life should bring out positive changes.

Always,

Marsha

Marsha,

Every time my boyfriend and I go out somewhere, there is always someone he knows. He will then go talk to them and ignore me the whole night. Yes he will introduce me to them as his girlfriend, but that is as far as it goes.  No one makes a special effort to talk to me, nor does my boyfriend include me in any of his conversations.  Most of the night I just sit there and grin on the outside, but pout on the inside. I just want us to have a date night without being ignored. Is it impossible for him to pay attention to me for one night instead of hanging out with his friends all the time. Am I wrong for being jealous over the time he spends with his friends while we are out?

Troubled Date

Dear Troubled Date,

I do not think you are wrong to feel left out.  I think we would all feel left out if we were constantly in that position.

I think the best place to start would be to talk to your boyfriend and let him know how you feel.  Tell him that when he spends your entire night out together talking to his friends, that you really feel ignored and out of place.  Ask him if you are asking too much to be alone with him for a night.  If he does not see that he is doing anything wrong then we take it to the next step.

Try getting to know his friends.  Get involved in their conversations.  Sometimes a guy is afraid that his friends will not accept his girlfriend. With this fear, he will spend more time talking or hanging out with them instead of being with you.  If you take the time to learn about the things they like to talk about, and actually hold a descent conversation with them about it, then more than likely the friends will accept you and involve you in their chats more often.  Now you should be gaining the trust and respect of these friends, and this should make your boyfriend feel more at ease about them liking you, and he too should think of you as one of the group and not just a date.

As a last resort, try to plan a night out and have your girlfriends meet you there discretely.  Hang out with them for a while, and show your boyfriend what it feels like to be in that position.  Watch what he does or how he acts around them.  If he seems to not fit in place, then take the time to go to him and let him know you want him to be a part of you and your friends topics for the night.  Show him how you want to be treated, and hopefully he will catch on.

Always,

Marsha