Dear Marsha,

I dont normally trust advice columnists. Then again, I dont normally trust anyone any more.

My problem is twofold. First, I am a freshmen at my highschool and Im finding out the harsh reaility of how much high school sucks. I am constantly bullied by my fellow freshmen mostly. They call me all sorts of names, from “gay” to simply telling me I’m an idiot, or putting my down, or calling me weird. As such, sadly, I’ve defaulted into an almost EMO sort of person who pretty much lashes out at everything and hates most people. Note, that now the bullying might be worse, but it was still very bad before I started this.

My second problem ties in with the first.

Last year in eigth grade, I fell hard for a girl. It ended up being a really unhealthy situation for both of us, and at the end of it, I ended up sending some stupid facebook messages to a friend (he was at that time) about wanting to commit suicide, and feeling like I was going to bit the girl or some other stupid crap. Anyway, this resulted in a suspension from school, and now some still give me crap about it and think I’m a weirdo. Anyway, since then, this friend and I have gotten into a few major fights (not physical) and are now kind of friends. I think he might be trying to be my friend again, but it’s hard to tell when he simultaneiously lifts me up and shoots me down. So pretty much I dont trust him or anyone else at my school. I am absolutely miserable.

I have a few options, I could move in with my divorced dad who lives in a different state. I would be in a loving family with a really awesome step sister. Problem is that that place is in the middle of nowhere kind of (very small town) with not much to do, and no Magic the Gathering store to play at. Magic is like my life, and I love it way to much to give it up that much, plus, I absolutely love my location and my mom.

Option number two is to go to the alternative high school, or a school like the alternative high school. Problem with that is that if I dont feel safe at my high school, I doubt I’ll feel safe there. I have already been to one alternative high school and left there with some pretty deep scars (I was stalked and somewhat molested by a guy.)

Option number three is to keep going. But I have problems getting out of bed, dreading what the day will be like. Who will rip my dreams and spirit in two today? I just feel so lonely. I’m struggling in my geometry class because no one wants me in their group for in class assignments and homework, so I end up doing it alone. I hate my situation. Last year, I really, really wanted a girlfriend. This year I would jump at the chance to have a best friend in school again. There have been times when I have seriously been ready to break down and cry.

Do you see any other options? any words of wisdom? Thank you, and  I really hope I’ll be able to trust your advice enough to follow it.

-Jon

Dear Jon,

I am deeply touched that you have taken the time to write me your situation. I am also saddened that you feel as if you have to go through this all alone.  As a mother of 4 teen boys, I am going to give you the best advice that I can and treat you as if it were one of them in your position.

Please know that we all make mistakes. Sometimes we say and do things that we later end up regretting, but it just happened during that heated or emotional distressing moment. We may feel badly for days about what happened, and wish we could take it back and/or have chosen different words to say instead. We all know that isn’t possible, so we just have to move on from there.

If these facebook messages got back to this ex girlfriend of yours, then I would suggest you write her and apologize for your behavior and let her know you were just hurt at the time. Do not expect a letter back in return, and it is quite possible she will ridicule you with her friends over it. The important thing to remember here is that you are trying to correct a wrong from a year ago that started this situation.

You have tried the alternative school once before, and it turned out to add even more emotional distress upon you. I do not see an “Alternative” school being the answer to solve your issues. You are still young enough to move on and have a better life. You need that open door to walk through for a new beginning.

In my honest opinion, I would talk to your mother. Tell her your hurts, pains, and fears. Explain to her that you love her beyond imagination and that the only reason you wish to move on is to better your life. Do not be afraid to show your emotions and let her see how distressing this is on you. Tell her that you have tried to work things out, but it is not going the direction you need for a well rounded future. She may even be willing to move you both out of that area if she is financially able to do so and after seeing how distraught you are over these situations. This could be an option that was not mentioned earlier.

If that option is not possible at this time…then as much as it may seem like it would be an inconvenience at the least, I would suggest moving in with your father. This can be exactly what you need for an emotional healing and over all well being. You already know that you get along with your step sister. I am sure that she would help you to feel “wanted” and “accepted” in that area.

By living in a different state, it will give you the opportunity to “start over”
so to speak.  You will still be a freshman and have plenty of time to make new life long friends. You will not have to worry about others not wanting to be your partner, ridiculing you, or torturing you over past issues. You will have no need to be considered EMO. This is a very Golden opportunity for you.

Living out in the middle of nowhere would give you that healing time you so well deserve. There may not be a “Magic” shop around, but I am sure you will find others with the same interests as you before you know it.  My husband used to collect Magic cards, and he has so many of them that he is willing to give you if that would make your transition any easier. I am also certain that your mother would understand why you wish to leave, and would want what is best for you.

It really disturbs me how others can be so cruel and have no concern over the pain they cause others. I will continue praying for you that God will watch over you and guide your heart toward a much brighter path.

Always,

Marsha

I am sitting here wondering how you could give such great marriage counseling to people when you yourself have been married more than once and had 4 children from at least three different men maybe four and are married to another man that doesnt father any of your children. I guess you could say you have been around the block a few times!!

Hmmmm What do you do if say an accidental pregnancy happens and the mother of the child does not contact the father of the child for say 15 years? And then when she is hurting for money she decides to take that childs father to court and sue him after all these years. I dont think that it is quite fair to leave the father out of the picture for all these years and miss his child grow up and then when the mother is hard press sue him for support once the child is pretty much grown. I think that mother should get a real job to begin with and then maybe a second job to support her child since she never wanted the father in the picture to begin with!!!

Dear Angela,

Thank you for viewing my site and thinking that I have been giving great advice.  Seeing as to how I am not certain as to who you are, or why you are passing judgment on me…allow me to give you a little deeper insight to my life.

You are correct, I have been married 2 previous times. I have 4 children all by 3 different fathers. However, what you do not know is that I was in fact married at the age of 17 before having my first 2 children.  This man became very physically abusive toward not only myself but to the children as well and arrested several times for it.  I soon found courage and escaped that relationship.  He still does not have contact with his children and they do not acknowledge him as “dad” either.  Since then, he has had 2 other failed marriages due to abuse…was it wrong to leave this situation?  I THINK NOT!

My third child was by a man that I had a 3 or 4 month fling with. When he found out I was pregnant, he left the picture quickly.  He did however inform me of his sisters name, and I had that address where his mother and sister lived.  He was a truck driver and probably always on the road, but that was no excuse to never reply to all the letters and photos I had sent the family.  I did try to involve him, but he would say that he was not the father.  I had even wrote him one day telling him that my ex and I had a DNA test done that proved my ex was NOT the father.  I requested this man at this point…nearly 4 years later…to send appropriate paperwork relinquishing his rights as father so that this child could be adopted by another man that would gladly take over the “Dad” role…but this as well as all other letters went unheeded.

I then married a young man that was a friend of my step brothers.  We did have my 4th child at this time.  We were married for 10 years before he decided he wanted to see what else was out there.

I was working as an EMT at 2 full time stations.  I was even Lieutenant at one station.  This was the best job in the world.  I have made so many friends in the medical field here and have gained a great name for my family and I.  I was even taking the paramedic classes to move on up.  I was offered a position as a flight medic once I graduated.  Sadly, that day never came for me.  As I was working an accident on the highway of a tractor trailer that jack knifed…I was the most injured patient taken to the hospital. I told my partner that I was not feeling well…they checked my heart rate and it was 180 bpm or beats per minute.  Once I was at the hospital, they noticed my heart at resting was going down to the 50s.  This is when I was sent to a cardiologist who performed many tests and observations of me.  It turns out that I have Sick Sinus Syndrome.  If you are not familiar with this…it is when the heart will beat too slow one minute then just jump sky high the next minute for no apparent reason but all awhile maintaining a healthy heart pattern.

Within one month from this accident, I had to have a pacemaker put in.  I was only 30 years old.  Even with the pacemaker, I was still having heart palpitations and not feeling “normal”.  Despite the pacemaker, I attempted to go back to work.  I worked for a year and a half longer before my next BIG episode happened.  This is when I was once again taken to the hospital by my co workers in MY ambulance and they decided I had to be taken off of work period.  My cardiologist was there and agreed it was too much stress for me.

This of course forced me to have to file for disability.  As anyone would know, it takes a great while before the disability is approved.

During this time, I had met a really great man.  He lived in Australia, and we met online actually.  We talked for nearly a year before he decided to come visit.  I had gotten to know his parents, friends, and other family before making the decision to meet.  On my 33rd birthday he showed up at the airport.  That was the best gift I could ever have.  We were wed shortly after that, and it has been such a great move on my behalf.  This is when I experienced TRUE LOVE for the first time in my life.  I know now what it is and am happy to share it with others.  My children love him and call him dad.  Even my 3rd son, that never knew his father…loves this man so much that he himself chose to have his name changed to my husbands last name.  Seeing as to how his father NEVER once wrote back to relinquish his fatherly rights…we could not do a formal adoption. This was the first choice of my husbands wishes…but things happen.  Seeing as to how I had never received a letter back from the 3rd sons biological father, we had no idea of his residency or how to locate him.  With this being noted in court, they allowed the legal name change.

I then began drawing my disability checks.  Once I started receiving the checks, I was forced by the courts to turn over child support payment history.  When I was questioned about my 3rd sons father, ALL I had was a name, an old address, his sisters name, and his fathers name.  I did tell them about the school he went to for his cdl’s…but that is all I knew.  I never thought that they would find this man…but it was not in my hands.

I was really saddened when they did find this man, and we both know who we are talking about.  I never had even discussed with his son about his father until this moment when I knew we had to go to court.  I did not want my boy thinking his dad left just because I was pregnant with him.  That would be a blow to any ones head.  His dad was a loser in my book and is still a loser in my boys book for doing such a thing.  He can not say he didn’t ever know he had a son, because during the child support court case, I was questioned through HIS attorney about this child being adopted and I had allegedly made mention that another man was going to or wanting to adopt him…Hmmm…that must have came from all those letter I sent and he never replied too huh?

Trust me, if I were able to work…I WOULD!  This was not done out of spite or any ill intentions.  I was forced to go through with this in order for me to draw my disability.

Now you asked how I gave such great advice…Well I think that answer is rather clear.  It took me 33 years to find the perfect man, and after dealing with losers like this all of my life…I think that makes me MORE than qualified. I have never been a floosy, but life has taken me to several “blocks” as you said.  Does this make me a bad person? I think not. I have learned some very valuable life lessons along the way.

I also give thanks to God for all the blessing he has put in my life. He is the one that should get all the glory. Without him, Who knows where I would be.

Now that you have my address…you can write if you so choose.  I am sorry you have such hard feelings against me.  I have never wronged you or your husband for that matter.  It sometimes helps to get the truth before bashing on something you know nothing of.  His sister, (and we know the similarities between our names), had told me that he did in fact see the baby pictures and knew of the letters as well…so don’t be fooled if he is saying different.

I am glad this could come out in the open. We were actually wondering if and when we would hear from you guys.  I know that you have a 13 year old son , and that your husband, or my ex was in the national guard. That only came out after they found you all in the state you now live in.  Have you discussed with your son that he does have a 1/2 brother in a neighboring state?

I want you to be happy, just as we are.  There is no reason for any hostility or angry tones to anyone.  Sarcasm is dangerous…Please do not post anything else that is deragatory on my site.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

For many years I have been carrying a grudge against my father for reasons that are not so important as we grow older. I have prayed about this situation, and know that it is now time to let him know that I do love him as my father still. I want to forgive him for what he put me through as a teenager growing up. Even though at the time, what he said didn’t make any sense to me, I think I can now see he was only telling me what he thought was best for my future. What I have not come up with, is how I should go about saying this to him. Do I just show up at his front door and hope he will remember me after 15 years of no contact? Do I mail him a card to say I Love You Dad? Do I ring him on the phone and just beg for him to still be a father to me? There are many directions in which I could turn. I would like to ask your opinion on the matter and see if you have any suggestions for me.

Thanks,

Mary Anne

Dear Mary Anne,

I was heart broken that it has been 15 years since you have last had any contact with you father.  I am certain you may have had justifiable reasons to feel the way you did toward him, but 15 years is a very long time to dismiss a loved one.

It was warming to read that you have recently come to ask God in guidance for direction in forgiveness.  I think it is very important for families to stay strong with one another.

Each possibility you have mentioned above on how to welcome him into your family again is a good choice.  I know that does not answer your confusion, so I stepped back and thought of how I would want to be welcomed back by one of my children if I were in that situation.

I would want to hold you in my arms and give you a great big hug.  With that answer, I think you should show up at his door step and greet him with open arms.  When he answers the door, just simply let your emotions flow and say “Daddy, I Love You and We have been apart for far too long” Then walk toward him to hug him.  If he is receptive of your presence, he will gladly return your embrace.

You may first wish to check with other family members about additional information on your father before you plan your arrival.  Is he working, if so, what days is he normally home?  What is his current health condition?  Does he still live at the same address?  Is the phone number still the same?

Knowing that information should help you to make a smoother visit.  I am certain the both of you will have many things to talk about.  At first, try not to be too over whelming with your new life.  Offer him memories the two of you cherish together to make him feel more relaxed.  Only briefly tell him of anything new in your life that he has not been an active part of such as a marriage, children, etc.  Those topics will be brought up after you have been there for a few hours.  That is when you are welcome to share as much information as possible.  This allows for a much smoother flow of communication.

You may wish to take photos to share with your father, as well as taking a camera to take photos of him during your visit.  Family is precious, don’t let a moment pass you by that you do not let someone know you love them.  Be certain to continue making regular visits, calls, &/or sending letters to say just how much you care about them.

Always,

Marsha