Hi Marsha!

I have 2 sons and recently have heard alot of negative stories about mother in laws. I realised one day I too will be a mother in law and this started a chain of thoughts. Can you offer any insight on why it is acceptable for women to phone their mothers 20 times a day if they want, let THEIR mother interfere in everything yet if the husband/boyfriend talks to his mother even 1/10th of the time, hes considered a Mummys boy/needs to cut apron strings etc etc?? His mother cannot speak without the wife being annoyed. Just doesnt seem fair that I will have to end up “losing” my boys, while the girls parents are still involved in every aspect of her life??

I would love your thoughts Marsha!

Thanks!

Mother -N- Law = Losing Son?

Dear Mother -N- Law = Losing Son?,

The common phrase “Momma’s Boy” has been used to refer to boys/young men that were excessively attached to their mother at an age when they should have been  independent and capable of living on their own.  Sadly, much of the world refers to young men as being a “Momma’s Boys”  when they carry on any sort of close relationship to their mother at any age.  I feel this is wrong, and it is just another example of how our society likes to pick on and/or ridicule others to make themselves feel better for one reason or another.

There is absolutely no reason why a young man should be deemed any such name for having a close relationship with his mother. A mother will always be there for her children no matter their age. Girls that are dating these so called “Momma’s Boys” should be very thankful for the close relationship he has with his mother for several reasons. 1st, Momma is always going to be there to guide them both in the right direction and to help them out of any and all difficult situations, and 2nd, A man that respects his mother, is more than likely going to have a high respect for women in general.

I think the issue mostly falls along the lines of a lad’s mother’s disapproval of his girlfriend and/or wife. If the mother is strongly opinionated, and voices what she feels, or is all the time trying to persuade her son to do things her way that is when the turmoil will begin with the mother/daughter -n- law relationship. I have known of this situation to work the opposite way as well when the son and mother -n-law do not see eye to eye.

For happy families to remain close in contact it will be very important to remember to try to have a close relationship with your -N- law. Make her/him feel just as much a part of the family as the rest and hearing their input on decisions you would normally only ask of your child.  Keep the attitude that you gained a daughter/son instead of losing a son/daughter. Remember to keep your space, allow them to make decisions on their own and to learn from them even if they are wrong. This is not saying to allow them to do something devastating without giving your polite input or reminding them of the percussions they could be faced with if things went awry. You can be a MOTHER to them both and everyone could be happy.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha:

Dear Desperate Father,

I feel that you have every right to be concerned. We all want what is best for our children and having someone so much older of the opposite sex, and given his current circumstances, must be a little distressing and full of concern to say the least.

I admire that your daughter and wife are trying to help this man, but he must want that help first. Sneaking around into your daughters room is not exactly going about things the right way. Anyone can fall upon hard times, but it is how we hold ourselves up and what our actions speak as to what it makes us become.

I would be very curious as  to why he is homeless. There has to be a reason that he is no longer welcome at his parents home anymore. Perhaps they passed away and he was left without family? Perhaps they simply could not afford themselves and he took it upon himself to step out of the home to make it on his own but found it more difficult than it was in his head at the time.  If either of these are/were the case, then by all means I would continue to support my wife in making efforts to find him shelter and a good job to get him back on track again and to let him know that he doesn’t have to be alone during these difficult times.

If he is homeless because of criminal issues such as drugs, alcohol, abuse, etc.; I would be even more concerned and try to keep my daughter and wife out of the picture as much as possible until you had time to straighten things out with him the correct way first.

Find out his history. Find out all details of why he is homeless. Explain to him that even if it were something of his doing and he wishes to change his lifestyle now, then you are willing to help him if he first is willing to help himself. Tell him that he is old enough to understand right from wrong and hiding out in your daughters bedroom or having/allowing her to skip school to help him is not going to be accepted. There is no reason to jeopardize your daughters education and future just because his has been tarnished. Any mature man will understand your requests and if he obliges, then help him in every way that you can. No man or woman needs to be treated as if they do not exist.

If he does not comply with your wishes, then tell him he must leave or be forced to leave one. Feel free to contact your local authorities to have him removed at any time. I doubt your daughter, at 16, will understand, but you can step back and say you gave him a chance and he was not willing to change himself, therefore you know you are doing what is best for your daughter and family.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

I believe my mother n law is upset with my husband and I, and I need an unbiased opinion on whether or not my husband and I did something wrong. My husband ( I’ll call Tom) works out of town 5 day a week and only comes home on weekends. He has been working out of town for 9 months now, and the only time he has spent more than 2 days in a row with our family has been over Christmas. During Christmas break he spent 12 days at home with us, however his mother spent 10 of those days with us. We were happy to see her, and enjoyed her company, but I admit I was happy to have the last two day alone with just my kids and my husband for some well needed family time. My husband has been planning on taking 4 days off on the kids spring break, to spend some well needed time with the kids and I, and we have been looking foward to the time together. My mother n law knew this and is now planning on coming down the week before my husband gets here and leaving the day before he leaves. I know this may sound selfish but my Tom and I were upset, because we had planned on that time to be just us and the kids. My husband called his mother and told her that he would love to see her when he gets home, but asked if she could find another place to stay for the last 4 days that she is here, so he could have some time with just his family. She said she understood, but when I called her a few days later, I could tell by her tone she was upset about it. Did we do something wrong? Tom gets in on a Tues. and he just asked if she could go to her brothers the following Thrus through Sunday. Do we owe her an apology?

mother in law , was I wrong?

Dear Mother-N-Law Was I Wrong?,

I do not feel that you are wrong in any way. It should be common knowledge to know and/or expect that your husband should want some personal family time without feeling as if he needs to entertain additional family members during his only free time at home.

I feel as if you went around it the correct way as well. Your husband did the right thing by calling his mother himself and trying to explain his desires to her. If he wanted this family time alone, then it was his place to say so. Mother-N-Laws can be very judgmental toward their son/daughters spouse on occasions like these, so your husband calling should have taken all the blame she could have conjured against you away.

I do not see any reason why the Mother-N-Law could not come on any given weekend that her son is home for a visit. She could use these 2 days as quality time both with her son and the grandchildren. There is also the choice of staying a week with you and the kids alone. It sounds as if you enjoy your Mother-N-Law being around, and I don’t think her staying to spend quality time with the grandkids would be an issue with you.

Rest assured that she will get over this in time. You and your husband have done nothing wrong and deserve that time alone as a family.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

I have been dating this guy I’ll call him Todd for 1 and 1/2 years now…. hes really sweet but he doesnt like to come with me to see my family he only likes to go see his family. Now he did have a fight with  my dad a while back, but my dad doesn’t care about it at all and he has resolved it. For about a month i’ve been thinking of breaking up with him because of that. I want a guy that likes my family and he clearly doesn’t. But, everytime i go to break up with him i don’t, I don’t know why either, maybe because he crys infront of me when i talk about leaving he says he loves me but he has a funny way of showing it and i dont think he really loves me like he says.

now a week ago an old friend came back to town from the navy we will call him Jake, and it stired up old feelings we had for each other…. and I’ve never felt this way about a guy before. I really want to be with him. and he wants to be with me. But i feel that im cutting todd short of his chance, but i also feel that if i don’t break up with todd that I’m missing Jake a once and life time chance. I am so confused and don’t know what I should do at all. Can you give me your advice on this one??? I’m really lost, and I’m normally not like this, i normally know what I want.

Sincerely,

Sally

Dear Sally,

Todd seems to be rather insecure of himself.  By allowing one simple disagreement to stop him from visiting your family he has shown that he can not tolerate someones disapproval or criticism. Your dad must have made him feel out of place and maybe rightfully so, but Todd should have sucked up his insecurities and get over it if he had intentions of pursuing a relationship with you. Family is important to most of us, and perhaps Todd chooses to see his family where they love and accept him for the way he is and they make him feel comfortable. He knows that if his family were to be forward with him or tell him something that he may wish not to hear, then he can just speak his mind freely back to them as they are family and will/should accept him through the good and the bad.

The fact that you have contemplated a break up says that you are not ready for a commitment with Todd. You are unhappy and not ready to settle on this man. Then when Jake entered into your life again, you saw the sparks fly. If you really loved Todd, there would not be any sparks for another flying around so freely.

You are going to hurt Todd with either direction you go. If you continue the relationship with Todd, and still have feelings for Jake, then you are wronging Todd his chance at happiness and true love.  What is it going to be like on down the road if things do not change between the both of you?  If you break off ties with Todd now, he will be heart broken, or so he may appear, but you are giving him the freedom to find the one that is right for him and allowing you to be true to yourself.

Always,

Marsha

I feel like my mom is working herself to death. She is 59 years old and works full-time to support her disabled partner (understandable), and my 23 year old half brother! My brother has never had a job, aside from a paper route he once held for 3 months. He quit school right before his 16th birthday, and I advised my mother at the time that he was unlikely to ever work or return to school. I am actually very sad he lived to prove me right.

The real loser in this is my mom, who works at a very physical and exhausting job stocking shelves on a night shift. We argue over this a few times a year. She had lived for a couple years in the same city I reside, but had to sell the house and move 8 hours from here because my brother was tired of not having friends, so he forced my mom to move back to the town he grew up in. At 23 years old I felt like HE should have moved back to be near his friends. Since he can not support himself financially, my mom felt obligated to pack up and move, so he could continue to live for free. She pays all his bills, cell phone, expensive food, and also for his smoking habit. Even though money is very tight for her. She has no savings for retirement, and now has a 25 year mortgage. I have told her when she passes and he is left to fend for himself that I will not take him in.

Bottom line, this moucher is causing a rift between my mother and I, and it kills me when she is always tired because not only does she work, but also has to shovel snow, mow the lawn, rake leaves, paint the deck, take out the trash and gets no help of any kind from my lazy no good brother. Am I jusyt suppose to ignore what is going on?

Thanks,

Dee

Dear Dee,

Sometimes there is another reason behind the things we see and do not agree with.  We are all quick to voice our opinions on the situation, but seldom do we try to reason with the answers behind it.

Your mother may fear living in a home without a child.  She may willingly do these things in hopes of your brother staying with her at all times.  It may be that she feels he is there to help just in case she really needs him.  Maybe the more she does for him, the more she hopes he will do for her.

Your mother most likely calls to you and complains because things are not going the way she wished they would.  This is ultimately her fault because she has allowed it all of these years and has obviously made the choice to obligate herself to supporting him for many years to come.  While we do not understand the complaining of her own wrong doings, we should just listen and give the occasional ”I know mom” response in return.  Sometimes just a listening ear can mean the world of difference to us.

There really is nothing you can do about the situation as a whole.  Your mother is a grown woman that is capable of making her own decisions.  If she has let her son free load off of her for all of these years, then not only has she hurt herself…but she has hurt him as well.  Someone has to teach him responsibility.  I do not blame you for making the comment that you will not take him in if your mother was to pass away, or if you were to take him in, I would at least make him prove his worth by getting and maintaining a job to earn his own financial upkeep.

There are a couple of things you can do on your own behalf if you choose to be so forthright.

For Your Mother:

1. Tell your mother that you love her, and you wish to talk to her on a regular basis…but that you would rather not discuss your brothers disappointments at all. Tell her that if she is only going to complain about something she has allowed and remains persistent about not doing anything to fix the problem, then you would rather her call someone else.  -OR-

2. Continue listening to her and agreeing with her statements.  Be her ear and continue telling her that she really needs to give him some sort of responsibilities to help him get on the right track to obtain employment somewhere.

For Your Brother:

1. Confront your brother. Be rude and ruthless about his lack of work or financial support.  Send him via snail mail or email, local listings in his newspaper for jobs that are hiring or GED classes available.  Let him know of your mothers complaints due to his lack of support.  Show him the hard core facts of what is to come if he continues down this path.

2. Have a heart to heart talk with your brother. Do not raise your voice, do not put him down, leave all negatives out of the conversation.  Be a very loving and caring sister.  Talk to him about the troubles your mom is having financially and how tired she feels.  Do not blame him or make mention that he could have something to do with it. Ask him if he knows of anything that could be done to lessen the load a little. Let him feel like he is making decisions.  Ask him what his future plans are as far as work goes. What kind of work would he be interested in.  What are his likes and dislikes. Once you have answers to these, then try to piece together a career choice that you feel he may be good at.  Acts of kindness go much further than irrational tones ever will.

FOR YOU ALL:

1. Pray, Pray, and then Pray some more! God knows our needs and concerns. He will listen to us and answer our prayers.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

My husband and I have ran into some difficult times with the economy, my husband was laid off and right when his unemployment benefits ran out I lost my job, we were both out of work for about two months.  My mother helped us out with all of our bills, (as best as she could, which is more than we wanted) until we were both employed.  We are still in the phase of “catching up” but we are slowly on our way to getting our finances under control.

Our cell phones are under my sister in laws’ account. This month we are going to be two weeks late paying our portion of the cell phone bill, we called the phone company and let them know when we would be able to pay the bill and we tried to call my sister in-law but she never answered her phone or returned our calls.

So a couple of days ago she went on Facebook and made a post about how “we are choosing not to pay our bill and expect her to pay it for us” and stated that we didn’t even provide her the courtesy of a phone call, all on a public post on facebook, for all of our family and friends to see.

We have tried to call her two times per day since she made the post (and continues to post) and she never answers or returns our calls.

I completely understand why she is upset and I would be too, but I feel that it is completely tasteless for her to post all of this information on facebook, I’m not really sure how to proceed with this, I think that the only way she will reply is if I respond to her nasty posts on facebook, but I do not want to participate in a public facebook fight, we care about our relationship with her and at this point we are not sure how to respond to her especially when she won’t respond to us.  We haven’t seen her in two years and are going to see her next month, I don’t want for us to be so mad at each other that it is a miserable trip, but at the same time, I don’t want to just apologize to her especially because she’s put all of this on facebook.  Any suggestions on how to proceed in a tasteful manner?

Thanks!

Tasteful Manner

Dear Tasteful Manner,

Your sister-n-law has shown great immaturity by going the lengths of posting anything of such nature in a public area.  This sort of business especially between family should be dealt with from the inside. It turns my stomach with the way some people act. They obviously do not take the time to consider what it would be like or how they would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

I admire you for wanting to be tasteful about this situation. You have been through rough times already and this adding to the stress you have felt must be tiring and aggravating to say the least. You did the right thing by contacting the phone company and explaining the situation. I am sure the phone company however, did not call your sister to let her know of any arrangements being made.

You could write something simple in response to her rude comments on Facebook… Something such as “I will pray for you sister” and leave it at that. If she is not responding to any phone calls, there really is not much you can do. You have left messages, and I am sure she has received them but chooses not to listen or care.

There is also the Killing With Kindness Act that I like.  Go out of your way and send her a Thank You card or letter through the mail. Thank her for helping you and your husband out during these trying times and let her know you appreciate her generosity in allowing you to have cell phones in her name. Thank her for being family and tell her how much you look forward to visiting them. You do not have to apologize to her at all, just thank her. This should give her a feeling of guilt to say the least.  This may make her stop to think before she acts/types painful words again for the world to see.

Always,

Marsha

“Are You Coming?”

Seems to be the question this gorgeous guy, Zane, is asking.

Photo Taken By:

N. Banks

Dear Marsha,

I am dealing with something rather painful right now and need to know how to handle it better.

I just recently married a guy that has a child of his own.  This was not a big deal at all for me and in fact I love his son. I also have 2 boys around his same age. They all get along here at home for the most part. There are a few squibbles, but aren’t there in all families between siblings?

The problem is that my parents and grandparents do not openly accept his child as “our” child. They make differences between them at birthdays, weekend overnights, and so forth.  They are not excepting him as a grandchild.  Will this go away in time or will this always be this way? Thank God they are all under 6 and really don’t really see the differences like we do.

If you welcome one, then welcome them all!

Dear Welcome One Welcome All,

It is a shame that your family is not excepting your spouses child as their grandchild.   Sadly, a lot of families do this same thing.  They should be pleased to have another member as part of the family.  Hopefully this will be the case in the near future.

If you are sincere about wanting this favoritism to stop, then you will probably have to be the first one to make a significant move.  If you allowed your husband to speak up, they would just blame the whole situation on him and not think about how much it really hurts you.

My suggestion is that you call them before any birthday parties of your own children, and you tell them NOT to bring any gifts etc. unless they intend to do the same thing for your new son.  Note, I did not say STEP son.  I feel that the terms “Step” or “Half” are belittling themselves.  Family is family and there should not be any subtitles given to any of them.  Those 2 words could really make the person intended for feel hurt and left out of the family.

If your parents and grandparents persist in giving your children gifts, take the gifts away from your kids, and put it up, or call it a family gift that belongs to all of them.  Maybe you could do this in front of your parents/grandparents so they get a little harsh reality of how it is going to be!

As far as the overnights go, don’t allow your children to spend the night or go for a visit without your new son going as well.  Express that this is not fair and you will not tolerate it in any way.

Most of all, tell your family how much this hurts you and that you want them to accept your new son the way that you do.  Tell them they are to treat him as if he were your biological own.  Hopefully they will understand exactly how you feel and make those needed changes in the way they think and/or act.

Always,

Marsha

We here at

Always Marsha

would like to wish everyone a

Very Merry Christmas!

I am blessed to come from a close knit family, and that makes for really special holidays.  When your family comes together under one roof for any get together, it should be considered a blessing.  Life is precious, and we need to embrace these moments that will one day become a mere memory of a loved one.

We have had a few holidays when not everyone was able to make it for a visit.  These holidays were not the same, but we did try to make the best of it.  We would always call our missing loved ones on that special day just to let them know we missed them and were thinking of them.  It was still really great just to hear their voices.

This year, make it a point to even go out of your way( if you need to) in order to call or visit your loved ones and to let them know just how much they really mean to you.

Christmas should not be based solely on who gives the most or the best gifts.

You are taking Christ out of Christmas when we let our focuses dwell on material items.

I would also like to encourage everyone to read the Birth Of Christ from the bible to their children or other family members. The account of Jesus’ birth can be found in Matthew 1:18 – 2:23 and Luke 2:1 – 24

I will now close with a poem I wrote many years ago.

I DREAM OF CHRISTMAS

I DREAM OF CHRISTMAS

AS BEING A SNOWY WHITE

WAKING IN THE MORNING

SEEING EVERYONE’S FACES SHINING BRIGHT

I SEE MOM, DAD,

MY SIBLINGS TOO

THE ONLY ONES MISSING

IS SANTA AND YOU!!!

© AlwaysMarsha

Happy Holidays Marsha,

I have a question for you that concerns Christmas shopping. A member of my family has repeatedly insisted that since money is tight for everyone, that we not buy him/her a gift. I know that they mean well, but I can’t see leaving them out. This family member will be here for Christmas day and I don’t want them to be the only one not unwrapping gifts under the tree.

Is it wrong to buy them a gift? Will they feel sourly toward me for doing so anyways?

Thanks for your time on this matter,

Bearer of Gifts

Dear bearer of Gifts,

I do not feel that he/she will have any hurt feelings toward you for buying them a gift. They are simply trying to look out for you and your expenses.  What they are really saying is “I know you love me, and I know you would like to buy everyone something nice, but save your money and use it for your kids, bills, or somewhere of value.”

We do not have to have gifts to make it a nice Christmas.  the family being together under the same roof is often the best gift ever for most people. If you wish for them to unwrap a gift or gifts as a surprise, you don’t have to go all out and buy something really expensive.  Try to keep it simple, and maybe buy something you know they could use or need. Another option could be to make them something from the heart.  Maybe even an additional option would be to have a family photo taken. If you have any brothers or sisters, when was the last time you had photographs made with all of you together? If he/she has several grandchildren, perhaps you could get them all together for a photo. Then, place one of these photos in a frame and give as a gift.

Always,

Marsha