Dear Marsha,

I dont normally trust advice columnists. Then again, I dont normally trust anyone any more.

My problem is twofold. First, I am a freshmen at my highschool and Im finding out the harsh reaility of how much high school sucks. I am constantly bullied by my fellow freshmen mostly. They call me all sorts of names, from “gay” to simply telling me I’m an idiot, or putting my down, or calling me weird. As such, sadly, I’ve defaulted into an almost EMO sort of person who pretty much lashes out at everything and hates most people. Note, that now the bullying might be worse, but it was still very bad before I started this.

My second problem ties in with the first.

Last year in eigth grade, I fell hard for a girl. It ended up being a really unhealthy situation for both of us, and at the end of it, I ended up sending some stupid facebook messages to a friend (he was at that time) about wanting to commit suicide, and feeling like I was going to bit the girl or some other stupid crap. Anyway, this resulted in a suspension from school, and now some still give me crap about it and think I’m a weirdo. Anyway, since then, this friend and I have gotten into a few major fights (not physical) and are now kind of friends. I think he might be trying to be my friend again, but it’s hard to tell when he simultaneiously lifts me up and shoots me down. So pretty much I dont trust him or anyone else at my school. I am absolutely miserable.

I have a few options, I could move in with my divorced dad who lives in a different state. I would be in a loving family with a really awesome step sister. Problem is that that place is in the middle of nowhere kind of (very small town) with not much to do, and no Magic the Gathering store to play at. Magic is like my life, and I love it way to much to give it up that much, plus, I absolutely love my location and my mom.

Option number two is to go to the alternative high school, or a school like the alternative high school. Problem with that is that if I dont feel safe at my high school, I doubt I’ll feel safe there. I have already been to one alternative high school and left there with some pretty deep scars (I was stalked and somewhat molested by a guy.)

Option number three is to keep going. But I have problems getting out of bed, dreading what the day will be like. Who will rip my dreams and spirit in two today? I just feel so lonely. I’m struggling in my geometry class because no one wants me in their group for in class assignments and homework, so I end up doing it alone. I hate my situation. Last year, I really, really wanted a girlfriend. This year I would jump at the chance to have a best friend in school again. There have been times when I have seriously been ready to break down and cry.

Do you see any other options? any words of wisdom? Thank you, and  I really hope I’ll be able to trust your advice enough to follow it.

-Jon

Dear Jon,

I am deeply touched that you have taken the time to write me your situation. I am also saddened that you feel as if you have to go through this all alone.  As a mother of 4 teen boys, I am going to give you the best advice that I can and treat you as if it were one of them in your position.

Please know that we all make mistakes. Sometimes we say and do things that we later end up regretting, but it just happened during that heated or emotional distressing moment. We may feel badly for days about what happened, and wish we could take it back and/or have chosen different words to say instead. We all know that isn’t possible, so we just have to move on from there.

If these facebook messages got back to this ex girlfriend of yours, then I would suggest you write her and apologize for your behavior and let her know you were just hurt at the time. Do not expect a letter back in return, and it is quite possible she will ridicule you with her friends over it. The important thing to remember here is that you are trying to correct a wrong from a year ago that started this situation.

You have tried the alternative school once before, and it turned out to add even more emotional distress upon you. I do not see an “Alternative” school being the answer to solve your issues. You are still young enough to move on and have a better life. You need that open door to walk through for a new beginning.

In my honest opinion, I would talk to your mother. Tell her your hurts, pains, and fears. Explain to her that you love her beyond imagination and that the only reason you wish to move on is to better your life. Do not be afraid to show your emotions and let her see how distressing this is on you. Tell her that you have tried to work things out, but it is not going the direction you need for a well rounded future. She may even be willing to move you both out of that area if she is financially able to do so and after seeing how distraught you are over these situations. This could be an option that was not mentioned earlier.

If that option is not possible at this time…then as much as it may seem like it would be an inconvenience at the least, I would suggest moving in with your father. This can be exactly what you need for an emotional healing and over all well being. You already know that you get along with your step sister. I am sure that she would help you to feel “wanted” and “accepted” in that area.

By living in a different state, it will give you the opportunity to “start over”
so to speak.  You will still be a freshman and have plenty of time to make new life long friends. You will not have to worry about others not wanting to be your partner, ridiculing you, or torturing you over past issues. You will have no need to be considered EMO. This is a very Golden opportunity for you.

Living out in the middle of nowhere would give you that healing time you so well deserve. There may not be a “Magic” shop around, but I am sure you will find others with the same interests as you before you know it.  My husband used to collect Magic cards, and he has so many of them that he is willing to give you if that would make your transition any easier. I am also certain that your mother would understand why you wish to leave, and would want what is best for you.

It really disturbs me how others can be so cruel and have no concern over the pain they cause others. I will continue praying for you that God will watch over you and guide your heart toward a much brighter path.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

I have a family situation that has left my husband and I feeling so hurt and I’m not sure what to do. In a nutshell, my sister & I relocated to AZ over 8 years ago and my parents chose to retire in Florida. At one time my sister & I remained the best of friends as we have kids the same age and our families did everything together. Then my sister and I had a falling out which left tension between us but we swept it under the rug because my dad became very ill. Sadly, last year my father passed away.
My sister and I just kept the peace for moms sake but there remains tension between us that mom was oblivious to. About 6 months after dads passing, my mom announced she wanted to relocate back to NJ (where we are all originally from) to be closer to our relatives and the cemetery (dad). During this time, my sister was talking to my mom about how she also wanted to relocate back to NJ with her family too. So for the next 6 months, both mom & sister began making plans to relocate back to NJ and buy a huge mother/daughter house together. Of course, mom flipped the bill for it as well as the furniture and the new baby grand piano. They didn’t say anything to me of their plans because they didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I still live out of state and their plans to relocate were sneaky and didn’t include me or my family. Its hard not to be jealous because my husband and I are struggling financially to hold onto our home with 3 kids and we are experiencing a hardship. I don’t feel its fair that my mother so secretly bailed my sister & her family out of their financial situation and left me & my family stranded. My mom always tells me she wants to be fair to us too but she can’t stop bragging about the material things she buys for my sisters kids and for “their” home. I am at the point now where I don’t even want to call there anymore. My mother is allowing my sister to run the show. I have tried talking to them about how I feel but they have become ignorant to my feelings. My mothers attitude is like, I am sorry you’re hurt but I have to worry about me now. My mom just wishes everyone would be happy for them and be more supportive because she just lost her husband! So I remain silent but I am still VERY HURT! Now my mom acts like everything is fabulous between us all and is pushing for my family to come for a visit and stay with them in their new house – and now my husband refuses to go. My husband is fuming over the fact that my sister & husband live practically free while we struggle. He thinks its disgusting! I have several issues going on here but I feel very hurt – and what is done is done. I am just ready to walk away from my mom & sister….they made their choice and it didn’t include me. Am I wrong to feel this way?

Thanks,
Kristin

Dear Kristin,

My heart really goes out to you, your family and this whole situation. As I read your story I just wanted to cry.  It is such a shame that families have to break apart like this.

I can understand that your mother wanted to move back to NJ  after the death of your father.  I can also understand that she did not want to be alone.  This is also known as the Empty Nest Syndrome, when one is left to live alone either through children moving out or the death of a spouse.  What she did by moving in your sister and family was probably to comfort her loneliness.  This is still no excuse to leave you out of the picture.  I feel it was poorly managed and not thought through very well.  I am certain you would have loved to have at least had a say in the whole situation.  You very well may not have upped and moved your family to NJ, but at least you would have been asked.

By putting myself in your shoes, I feel as if you not only lost your father, but you lost the rest of your family as well.  Them moving and gloating in your face about how well things are going is not exactly whip cream on a pumpkin pie.

In the back of my mind is this haggling thought that perhaps it isn’t just your mother to blame.  I have no idea what the falling out between you and your sister was over, but couldn’t it be possible that she is the one feeding your mom all the information to make her sway from one way to the other?  Your sister may very well be the root of this evil.

Your mother should in no way be letting them live there for practically nothing.  Do you know this for a fact, or are your sister and brother-n-law actually working to pay the bills and help out with the monthly expenses?  If they are helping to pay for the cost of living, then they are not exactly sponging by any means and that is good.

Your mother may also be afraid of saying or doing something to upset your sister and her family, and thus just keeps things running as smoothly as possible in fear of not losing them or making them want to move out either.  I still do not see how your mother could boast about purchasing a Baby Grand Piano knowing that you and your family are struggling to get by.  I think that was going overboard.  There is no way I could buy even a new outfit for myself if I thought for a second that one of my children were in need of something dire.  If she wants to be fair to both daughters, then she needs to be focusing on how much she spends on material items versus how much she is losing emotionally.  Money can not buy love, no matter how much you try to make things better for yourselves or others.

The next time your mother asks if you would come to visit, especially over the Holidays, then be honest with her.  Tell her you love her, but at this time you just don’t see how you could possibly manage to afford the trip.  Maybe she will put off the next big purchase to help pay for your travel expenses.  If this happens, take advantage of it.  Try to coax your husband into making the best of a miniature vacation for families sake.  Your kids would love to see their grandmother, aunt, uncle, and cousins I am sure.  This will also allow you to get to talk to your mother one on one and to have a closer look at what is really going on up north.

Sometimes our jealousy feeds our fire, and then we begin to believe things as we wish to see them, or as we picture them in our mind, and not for what they really are.  This can be harmful to us emotionally and we need resolution.  You may only find your resolution when you get to see what is really going on.

If things really are as you see them, then I would suggest not to lose all contact with them totally for they are still family.  However, you could change your habits of how much you share with them personally.  The less you share with them, the less that can be said to cause hurt feelings.

Always,

Marsha

I have been dating this guy for 3 years now, and he loves me, and we live in an apartment together, but his parents do not like me at all. I have discussed this with my boyfriend, but he too does not have any reason why they do not like me. Like, if his parents call and invite him to dinner, they make sure to like tell him not to invite me. That is so rude. My boyfriend and I are only 19, but I still have feelings and it still hurts to be disliked. Especially when both of us don’t know why they don’t like me. I always try to be nice, but it doesn’t matter. What can I do?

Adrea B.

Dear Andrea B.,

This must be a tough situation.  I admire the fact that you are always trying to be nice to them.  Sometimes you can kill others rude behaviors with kindness.

I would suggest that either you, your boyfriend, or the both of you together, ask the parents directly what the issue is.  Explain to them that their actions are hurtful to your emotions.  Tell them that you both love each other very much, and their actions will not change the way you feel for each other.

You could also try talking to either the mother or the father individually. Usually one is the backbone/leader, and the other is the follower.  If you can discover which one is the follower, or the one that dislikes you only because the leader is making it such a huge issue, then you can work this to your advantage.  Speak to the follower, and be very sympathetic in explaining your hurt.  Be blunt and ask why it is that the leader dislikes you so much.  Ask if there is anything you can do to smooth it over or make them understand you are not a bad person.

In the meantime, just keep being extra nice.  Send them a greeting card for no reason other than to say you are thinking about them.  Invite them to dinner at your apartment, and cook them a nice meal.  If they continue to be rude, just calmly say to them “I will keep you in my prayers” and walk on.

Sooner or later, I am sure you will get your answers or see a big change.

Always,

Marsha