Dear Marsha,

My husband and I have ran into some difficult times with the economy, my husband was laid off and right when his unemployment benefits ran out I lost my job, we were both out of work for about two months.  My mother helped us out with all of our bills, (as best as she could, which is more than we wanted) until we were both employed.  We are still in the phase of “catching up” but we are slowly on our way to getting our finances under control.

Our cell phones are under my sister in laws’ account. This month we are going to be two weeks late paying our portion of the cell phone bill, we called the phone company and let them know when we would be able to pay the bill and we tried to call my sister in-law but she never answered her phone or returned our calls.

So a couple of days ago she went on Facebook and made a post about how “we are choosing not to pay our bill and expect her to pay it for us” and stated that we didn’t even provide her the courtesy of a phone call, all on a public post on facebook, for all of our family and friends to see.

We have tried to call her two times per day since she made the post (and continues to post) and she never answers or returns our calls.

I completely understand why she is upset and I would be too, but I feel that it is completely tasteless for her to post all of this information on facebook, I’m not really sure how to proceed with this, I think that the only way she will reply is if I respond to her nasty posts on facebook, but I do not want to participate in a public facebook fight, we care about our relationship with her and at this point we are not sure how to respond to her especially when she won’t respond to us.  We haven’t seen her in two years and are going to see her next month, I don’t want for us to be so mad at each other that it is a miserable trip, but at the same time, I don’t want to just apologize to her especially because she’s put all of this on facebook.  Any suggestions on how to proceed in a tasteful manner?

Thanks!

Tasteful Manner

Dear Tasteful Manner,

Your sister-n-law has shown great immaturity by going the lengths of posting anything of such nature in a public area.  This sort of business especially between family should be dealt with from the inside. It turns my stomach with the way some people act. They obviously do not take the time to consider what it would be like or how they would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

I admire you for wanting to be tasteful about this situation. You have been through rough times already and this adding to the stress you have felt must be tiring and aggravating to say the least. You did the right thing by contacting the phone company and explaining the situation. I am sure the phone company however, did not call your sister to let her know of any arrangements being made.

You could write something simple in response to her rude comments on Facebook… Something such as “I will pray for you sister” and leave it at that. If she is not responding to any phone calls, there really is not much you can do. You have left messages, and I am sure she has received them but chooses not to listen or care.

There is also the Killing With Kindness Act that I like.  Go out of your way and send her a Thank You card or letter through the mail. Thank her for helping you and your husband out during these trying times and let her know you appreciate her generosity in allowing you to have cell phones in her name. Thank her for being family and tell her how much you look forward to visiting them. You do not have to apologize to her at all, just thank her. This should give her a feeling of guilt to say the least.  This may make her stop to think before she acts/types painful words again for the world to see.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

2 Years ago,  my ex and I parted ways.  It was tough, but we both went on with our separate lives.  2 weeks ago we bumped into each other at a pet store. He asked for my cell number and I gave it to him thinking it wouldn’t be anything more than just catching up. We talked at this store for what seemed like an hour or longer. We seemed to just pick up from where we left off as if nothing ever happened between us.

My family and friends think I am crazy for giving him my number and wanting to regain connections. They tell me that he is of my past and I should let him go.  On the other hand they say it is my choice and I have to be the one to make decisions for myself.  Why are they so contradicting? Why do they care who I talk to?

Must Closed Doors Be Locked?

Dear Must Closed Doors Be Locked,

The most common saying that comes to mind is “An Ex Is An Ex For A Reason”

Without knowing the circumstances that caused the two of you to part ways 2 years ago, I would have to say that your family is simply giving you their advice because they care about your feelings and do not wish for you to get hurt or tangled into a situation that they feel you may not be happy in.  They may sound contradicting at times because they know ultimately it is your decision no matter what their personal thoughts and/or feelings may be.  They try to coax you in a direction they see best, yet respecting you enough to make your own decisions.

If you are planning on keeping in touch with this man, then please know that to a man, as long as there is contact between the two of you, then he feels that he has a wedge to keep his foot in the door so to speak, or a chance of taking this further.

If you are comfortable with the possibility of  it going further you should first try to recap exactly what it was or why it was he became your “Ex” in the first place.  Write down every detail on a piece of paper along with a list of the pros or things you liked about this partner, and a list of cons or things you did not like about this partner.  If the pros out weigh the cons, and the cons were not detrimental to your emotional well being or physical well being, then it may be worth giving him another try if you are leaning toward that direction.

You have to be in total control of this situation right from the start.  If you are skeptical in any way, then perhaps leaving it at a friendship would be the best route to go.  If you do choose to pursue a relationship once again, you must be self prepared of the possibility that the same reasons  you split up the first time could cause you to split up again.  Are you ready to take those chances?

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

For the past two months I have been getting a lotLOT of calls that when I answer the phone, the caller just sighs several times.  I really am not sure who this is, and they are obviously blocking their number because my caller id always shows unknown caller.  I usually will listen to them for a few minutes, and try getting them to talk to me, but then I hang up once I know they are not going to talk no matter how hard I try to get them to.  I have also had hang up calls on my answering machine.  A friend of mine said this could be dangerous and that I should call the police. I just think it is someone playing a prank on me.  What do you think of these sighing and seemingly scary calls?

Haunting Calls

Dear Haunting Calls,

I personally would like for you to contact your local phone company and get further instructions to trace this caller right away.

I agree that this could be a potentially scary and/or dangerous situation, and it is always best to play it safe instead of second guessing and perhaps one day being sorry for not doing something about it.

There are many sick people in this world.  It is very likely that someone is calling you on a regular basis to gain knowledge

of what times you are home, what times you are awake, etc.  He may be plotting this information to be a part of his future use.  The caller could be a stalker, wanting to know the times he could catch you at home alone, or he could be a thief wanting to know the times you are usually away from your home.  This caller could also be a pervert that just wants to hear a feminine voice, and if you keep trying to get him to talk to you, he could be sitting on the other end of the phone getting his kicks.  There are many possibilities.  We can not always assume it is someone playing an innocent joke on us.  Situations like this should be treated very seriously and with caution.

After calling the phone company, I would suggest that you make out a journal of what days and times you recall him calling you.  It would also help if you could remember if you have given him your name or any other personal information while trying to get him to talk to you.  You can also write down any additional information that you may think would help anyone to identify this person or their location such as noise you may have heard in the background in addition to his sighing.  (audible sirens, other voices, train, etc.)  This information could be more useful to the local authorities than you may think if the situation calls for it.

I am thankful that you took the time to write this question to me, for I feel it is of great importance for me to tell you to do  something about it fast.  Please, call the phone company now or as soon as they are open next.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

For many years I have been carrying a grudge against my father for reasons that are not so important as we grow older. I have prayed about this situation, and know that it is now time to let him know that I do love him as my father still. I want to forgive him for what he put me through as a teenager growing up. Even though at the time, what he said didn’t make any sense to me, I think I can now see he was only telling me what he thought was best for my future. What I have not come up with, is how I should go about saying this to him. Do I just show up at his front door and hope he will remember me after 15 years of no contact? Do I mail him a card to say I Love You Dad? Do I ring him on the phone and just beg for him to still be a father to me? There are many directions in which I could turn. I would like to ask your opinion on the matter and see if you have any suggestions for me.

Thanks,

Mary Anne

Dear Mary Anne,

I was heart broken that it has been 15 years since you have last had any contact with you father.  I am certain you may have had justifiable reasons to feel the way you did toward him, but 15 years is a very long time to dismiss a loved one.

It was warming to read that you have recently come to ask God in guidance for direction in forgiveness.  I think it is very important for families to stay strong with one another.

Each possibility you have mentioned above on how to welcome him into your family again is a good choice.  I know that does not answer your confusion, so I stepped back and thought of how I would want to be welcomed back by one of my children if I were in that situation.

I would want to hold you in my arms and give you a great big hug.  With that answer, I think you should show up at his door step and greet him with open arms.  When he answers the door, just simply let your emotions flow and say “Daddy, I Love You and We have been apart for far too long” Then walk toward him to hug him.  If he is receptive of your presence, he will gladly return your embrace.

You may first wish to check with other family members about additional information on your father before you plan your arrival.  Is he working, if so, what days is he normally home?  What is his current health condition?  Does he still live at the same address?  Is the phone number still the same?

Knowing that information should help you to make a smoother visit.  I am certain the both of you will have many things to talk about.  At first, try not to be too over whelming with your new life.  Offer him memories the two of you cherish together to make him feel more relaxed.  Only briefly tell him of anything new in your life that he has not been an active part of such as a marriage, children, etc.  Those topics will be brought up after you have been there for a few hours.  That is when you are welcome to share as much information as possible.  This allows for a much smoother flow of communication.

You may wish to take photos to share with your father, as well as taking a camera to take photos of him during your visit.  Family is precious, don’t let a moment pass you by that you do not let someone know you love them.  Be certain to continue making regular visits, calls, &/or sending letters to say just how much you care about them.

Always,

Marsha