Dear Marsha,

For the past 4 months now, my husband has not had any proper relations with me.  We try, but every time we get to that point, he goes down like he is no longer interested.  It makes me feel like he is no longer interested or attracted to me.  I want to know what I can do to help him out. He does seem to feel a bit ashamed of it happening, but instead of talking to me about it, he just grabs his pillow and heads off to the other room.

We have been together for 5 years now and nothing like this has ever happened before.  I seriously doubt he is getting some on the side either because when he is not at work, he is here at home with me.

Thank you,

Lovingly Concerned

Dear Lovingly Concerned,

It worries me that your husband feels so ashamed of his performance that he feels he does not even wish to be around you and heads off to the other room.  To me, I think he feels like a disappointment and thinks that you are or will be upset with him.   He clearly feels embarrassed and let down himself.

I think he is interested and attracted to you, because he still tries to be with you even risking the chance that it could be  another disappointment to himself and you.  This shows he does love you and is wanting to please you.

This situation can sometimes happen for many reasons either physically, psychologically, or from lifestyle events. I think you may find the following link useful for more information:

http://www.impotence-guide.com/impotence-causes.html

I would suggest talking to him  as lovingly as you can. Let him know that you are not mad and are willing to help.  Perhaps you and your husband should consider seeing a doctor for this problem if it continues.

Always,

Marsha

Marsha,

About a year or so ago, my husband of over 25 years met a woman (we’ll call her, Jackie, not her real name) online at a game/chat website. She is 11 years younger than him and has told him she is having 3 longterm affairs while currently married for 14 years. He played several games with her. Then they started exchanging emails, then instant messages. He would spend hours messaging her online while I was waiting for him to come to bed. I was uneasy about this friendship but believed and trusted my husband that this was all there was to it, friendship. Then they were calling each other and texting. He even texted her “Wish you were here” when we were on a date. I was mortified to find a 2 hour cell phone call in the middle of his work morning. I then checked his emails and found several that were XXX rated from her. I know some people may feel this was an invasion of his privacy but we have always been open to reading each others mail and going through wallets, if necessary.

I confronted him and he still claimed she was a “Good friend”. I was so furious that I told him to choose between us. He said he wouldn’t give her up. After several hours of reasoning with myself, I decided not to give up on us but drive her out of our relationship. I worked very hard to try to act like I did when we were 20 years old. It was horrid. I was wondering if & when he was talking to her. I wondered if he was thinking about her when we were intimate. I tried to explain my feelings to him so he would understand how hurt and devastated I was. He deleted her emails. Then he stopped calling her and texting. She tried to contact me to let the relationship continue. Then he said he had blocked her from instant messaging and emailing him.

So all should have been well with the world. But then he lost his job and has been home for quite a while looking for work online. He has told me that he hasn’t been in touch with her, but I have discovered that he has added her back into his email and messaging contacts, and I have seen a couple new emails. He has special terms of endearment for her and told her to “know that you are constantly on my mind.” I see this as an emotional affair, he does not agree. What can I do? What should I do? This is the first time in our marriage that he seems more interested in another woman than with me. He professes his love for me, then talks (or more) to her on the side…

Devastated

Dear Devastated,

The first entry in the dictionary defines FRIEND as:

1 a : one attached to another by affection or esteem.

Your husband could be telling the truth when he says that he and “Jackie” were/are friends, but are they strictly platonic friends is the question at hand.  I could have bought that your husband and “Jackie” were Platonic friends if both parties kept their conversations open and not so confidential.

“Jackie” obviously stimulates your husband mentally &/or physically.  I do not feel that sending someone xxx photos is within the realm of a platonic friendship.  There must be some sort of attraction between them for him to refuse to give up contact and or relations with her online.

In order to best help you with you current situation, I feel that I should simply lay out the options along with the possibilities &/or consequences of each option, and allow you to make the choice that you are willing to accept and live with.

You have made valid effort in almost every aspect to salvage your marriage.  You have spoke to him from your heart, you have given him an ultimatum, you have sacrificed your comfort and trust, you have even tried to relive your youth thinking that was a possibility for your husbands stray-ward actions:  Yet none of these have worked 100% or he outright brushed you and the marriage off as his main priority.

25 years of marriage is a very long time.  It would be a difficult decision to end such a covenant as marriage.  If you choose to continue to push and fight in order to salvage what you have built, then let us start with prayer.  Asking God to guide you and to help take this matter into his hands could benefit you more than any other option.

By choosing to stay with your husband, then you are accepting his female friend and their friendship for what it is no matter the case.  This may cause even more hurt feelings for you as time goes by, but you could always try to be as persistent as possible in trying to get to know “Jackie” through your husband by asking numerous questions.  Maybe this would give you an idea of what it is about her that intrigues him so much, and maybe allow you to see what you could further work on in order to regain his interest for yourself.  Your questions could also make him feel guilt if there was anything to be ashamed of.

There is always professional marriage counseling that you could suggest attending with your husband.  If he refuses to go, and you have it in your heart to keep trying to make the best of your marriage, then you could also seek counseling yourself, alone.  Some people do not think they can afford this route financially, but there are places out there that have payment options, or are offered free such as church counselors.

If you find that you are tired of the lack of interest and lack of understanding   your husband has displayed toward your feelings and emotions deriving from this new friendship of his, then perhaps a separation could be another option.  By having or asking him to leave the house during this separation, he could feel what it would be like to be without you, and what it is he is missing if he chooses to pursue his friendship with “Jackie”. You must be aware though that not always do we get what we want or what we were trying for.  He may find that through the separation he is free to do as he chooses and strays even further.  Before choosing a separation or a divorce, be certain that you are through and can not take any more.

I personally feel that this “Jackie” suffers of very low self esteem.  If  she is married herself, and has confessed of having other online affairs, then she is probably just a girl that gets her kicks off of being someone online that she wishes she was in person.  I doubt seriously that “Jackie” is sincere about your husbands affection and endearments.  At some point, your husband will more than likely see this and realize that there is no hope in pursuing the current friendship any further because it is a dead end street. At this point, I hope he treasures what he has had in you all along and never strays again.

It can be healthy for married couples to have friends of opposite sexes, but where is the line drawn between friendship and something more such as an affair?  I would suggest that you look deep into your heart and figure out the extent of the lengths in which you are willing to go in order to save this marriage.  Are you willing to jeopardize self happiness for any given length of time in hopes of  regaining your husbands full respect?

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

For the past two months I have been getting a lotLOT of calls that when I answer the phone, the caller just sighs several times.  I really am not sure who this is, and they are obviously blocking their number because my caller id always shows unknown caller.  I usually will listen to them for a few minutes, and try getting them to talk to me, but then I hang up once I know they are not going to talk no matter how hard I try to get them to.  I have also had hang up calls on my answering machine.  A friend of mine said this could be dangerous and that I should call the police. I just think it is someone playing a prank on me.  What do you think of these sighing and seemingly scary calls?

Haunting Calls

Dear Haunting Calls,

I personally would like for you to contact your local phone company and get further instructions to trace this caller right away.

I agree that this could be a potentially scary and/or dangerous situation, and it is always best to play it safe instead of second guessing and perhaps one day being sorry for not doing something about it.

There are many sick people in this world.  It is very likely that someone is calling you on a regular basis to gain knowledge

of what times you are home, what times you are awake, etc.  He may be plotting this information to be a part of his future use.  The caller could be a stalker, wanting to know the times he could catch you at home alone, or he could be a thief wanting to know the times you are usually away from your home.  This caller could also be a pervert that just wants to hear a feminine voice, and if you keep trying to get him to talk to you, he could be sitting on the other end of the phone getting his kicks.  There are many possibilities.  We can not always assume it is someone playing an innocent joke on us.  Situations like this should be treated very seriously and with caution.

After calling the phone company, I would suggest that you make out a journal of what days and times you recall him calling you.  It would also help if you could remember if you have given him your name or any other personal information while trying to get him to talk to you.  You can also write down any additional information that you may think would help anyone to identify this person or their location such as noise you may have heard in the background in addition to his sighing.  (audible sirens, other voices, train, etc.)  This information could be more useful to the local authorities than you may think if the situation calls for it.

I am thankful that you took the time to write this question to me, for I feel it is of great importance for me to tell you to do  something about it fast.  Please, call the phone company now or as soon as they are open next.

Always,

Marsha

2010

Many people like to make resolutions with themselves for the New Year.  Some will vow to try to lose weight, stop smoking, or visit the doctor more regularly.  Others will vow to attend church more regularly, to stop cursing, or to go out more to meet new people.

I, myself, have made the resolution to learn to be more appreciative for all of the wonderful things I do have, instead of focusing on all of the things I “wish” I had.

At one point or another we always seem to find ourselves saying “I wish we had ______” or “We need to have _______” but how many times do we actually say “Thank you lord for providing me with ________ just so I am able to do _______ on a daily basis”

I don’t care how minuscule it may be, I am going to try to be thankful for it and if possible to think of where I would be if I didn’t have it at all.

If you made a resolution and would like to share it with us, please leave a comment below.

Always,

Marsha

We here at

Always Marsha

would like to wish everyone a

Very Merry Christmas!

I am blessed to come from a close knit family, and that makes for really special holidays.  When your family comes together under one roof for any get together, it should be considered a blessing.  Life is precious, and we need to embrace these moments that will one day become a mere memory of a loved one.

We have had a few holidays when not everyone was able to make it for a visit.  These holidays were not the same, but we did try to make the best of it.  We would always call our missing loved ones on that special day just to let them know we missed them and were thinking of them.  It was still really great just to hear their voices.

This year, make it a point to even go out of your way( if you need to) in order to call or visit your loved ones and to let them know just how much they really mean to you.

Christmas should not be based solely on who gives the most or the best gifts.

You are taking Christ out of Christmas when we let our focuses dwell on material items.

I would also like to encourage everyone to read the Birth Of Christ from the bible to their children or other family members. The account of Jesus’ birth can be found in Matthew 1:18 – 2:23 and Luke 2:1 – 24

I will now close with a poem I wrote many years ago.

I DREAM OF CHRISTMAS

I DREAM OF CHRISTMAS

AS BEING A SNOWY WHITE

WAKING IN THE MORNING

SEEING EVERYONE’S FACES SHINING BRIGHT

I SEE MOM, DAD,

MY SIBLINGS TOO

THE ONLY ONES MISSING

IS SANTA AND YOU!!!

© AlwaysMarsha

Dear Marsha,

My husband and I were married in June of this year.  I am so very thankful for him and our marriage is still strong. I have never been married before, and I was raised by a single mother myself. I have a question that is really bothering me and I was wondering if you can help.

See, my mother is all alone in the state we live in. I have an older brother, but he hardly ever comes to visit us. My husband said that since we spent Thanksgiving here with her, then we must go visit his family at Christmas.  He did not tell me that this was the situation at Thanksgiving, or else I may have chose to spend Thanksgiving at his parents place and Christmas at mine. I can’t stomach leaving my mother alone at Christmas.

What can I do? I know my husband wants to spend time with his family too, but they live in the state next to us and it takes 8 hours to get there. I don’t want my mom to feel all alone and left out.

Christmas Alone

Dear Christmas Alone,

Holidays are meant to be spent with family and friends.  It is important that you and your husband do spend time with his family as well as with yours.  I understand your concerns, and know how important your mother is to you.  You show that you truly love and respect her by wanting to include her.

With that being said I have 3 options and I feel that either of these 3 will hlep you to not be so blue over Christmas.

#1.  Ask your husband to ask his parents if it is ok to bring your mother with you.  It is after all the holiday season, and people are more open with their hearts and homes during this time of year.  I do not see where this should be a problem at all.

#2. Call your brother and ask him to please come and spend Christmas with your mother while you are away at your -n- laws.  Tell him that you do not wish for her to be alone during this fragile time and that she misses him dearly and this is the perfect opportunity for a visit.

#3.  Maybe your husband would be willing for you both to spend part of Christmas Eve with your mother, and then travel on to his parents late that evening.

What ever option you choose, just be open with your feelings and be certain to inform your mother of the possibilities in advance.

With most all marriages, holidays are to be shared between parents and family members on both sides.  Perhaps next year you could host the Christmas and/or Thanksgiving get together(s) at your home to invite everyone from both sides.

No one deserves to be left out totally, and I do not think that this is your husbands intent.  Try to cheer up, there is a resolution out there for you all to be happy with.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

What is a Love Life?

Dear Questioner of Love Life,

In most general terms, a love life would be what one would use to describe their affectionate affairs with a partner or partners.  Some would say that a love life must consist of sexual encounters, but I beg to differ.  I think that if one is happy in life, then they can have a love life without having to have sex.

I also feel that a love life can consist of more than just affectionate affairs with a partner.  Some choose not to ever date or to be married because they are so consumed with something else that makes them happy.  Eg. Religion, job, career, hobby, etc..  These persons take pride and find complete happiness and love in what they do on a day to day basis.

Some men or women may find that they are content with being single.  Perhaps they have once already loved someone at some point, and still hang on to them through memories, and choose not to move on to another spouse/partner; or perhaps they feel dating/marriage is simply not for them, and wish to remain single, yet content.  I know a few single people that say their love life consists of being with their family, taking care of their pets, or traveling to photograph the world.

I find that whatever makes you happy, and if you love being a part of it, then that is your love life.  Your Love Life can be considered what you love about your life.

Always,

Marsha

I am sitting here wondering how you could give such great marriage counseling to people when you yourself have been married more than once and had 4 children from at least three different men maybe four and are married to another man that doesnt father any of your children. I guess you could say you have been around the block a few times!!

Hmmmm What do you do if say an accidental pregnancy happens and the mother of the child does not contact the father of the child for say 15 years? And then when she is hurting for money she decides to take that childs father to court and sue him after all these years. I dont think that it is quite fair to leave the father out of the picture for all these years and miss his child grow up and then when the mother is hard press sue him for support once the child is pretty much grown. I think that mother should get a real job to begin with and then maybe a second job to support her child since she never wanted the father in the picture to begin with!!!

Dear Angela,

Thank you for viewing my site and thinking that I have been giving great advice.  Seeing as to how I am not certain as to who you are, or why you are passing judgment on me…allow me to give you a little deeper insight to my life.

You are correct, I have been married 2 previous times. I have 4 children all by 3 different fathers. However, what you do not know is that I was in fact married at the age of 17 before having my first 2 children.  This man became very physically abusive toward not only myself but to the children as well and arrested several times for it.  I soon found courage and escaped that relationship.  He still does not have contact with his children and they do not acknowledge him as “dad” either.  Since then, he has had 2 other failed marriages due to abuse…was it wrong to leave this situation?  I THINK NOT!

My third child was by a man that I had a 3 or 4 month fling with. When he found out I was pregnant, he left the picture quickly.  He did however inform me of his sisters name, and I had that address where his mother and sister lived.  He was a truck driver and probably always on the road, but that was no excuse to never reply to all the letters and photos I had sent the family.  I did try to involve him, but he would say that he was not the father.  I had even wrote him one day telling him that my ex and I had a DNA test done that proved my ex was NOT the father.  I requested this man at this point…nearly 4 years later…to send appropriate paperwork relinquishing his rights as father so that this child could be adopted by another man that would gladly take over the “Dad” role…but this as well as all other letters went unheeded.

I then married a young man that was a friend of my step brothers.  We did have my 4th child at this time.  We were married for 10 years before he decided he wanted to see what else was out there.

I was working as an EMT at 2 full time stations.  I was even Lieutenant at one station.  This was the best job in the world.  I have made so many friends in the medical field here and have gained a great name for my family and I.  I was even taking the paramedic classes to move on up.  I was offered a position as a flight medic once I graduated.  Sadly, that day never came for me.  As I was working an accident on the highway of a tractor trailer that jack knifed…I was the most injured patient taken to the hospital. I told my partner that I was not feeling well…they checked my heart rate and it was 180 bpm or beats per minute.  Once I was at the hospital, they noticed my heart at resting was going down to the 50s.  This is when I was sent to a cardiologist who performed many tests and observations of me.  It turns out that I have Sick Sinus Syndrome.  If you are not familiar with this…it is when the heart will beat too slow one minute then just jump sky high the next minute for no apparent reason but all awhile maintaining a healthy heart pattern.

Within one month from this accident, I had to have a pacemaker put in.  I was only 30 years old.  Even with the pacemaker, I was still having heart palpitations and not feeling “normal”.  Despite the pacemaker, I attempted to go back to work.  I worked for a year and a half longer before my next BIG episode happened.  This is when I was once again taken to the hospital by my co workers in MY ambulance and they decided I had to be taken off of work period.  My cardiologist was there and agreed it was too much stress for me.

This of course forced me to have to file for disability.  As anyone would know, it takes a great while before the disability is approved.

During this time, I had met a really great man.  He lived in Australia, and we met online actually.  We talked for nearly a year before he decided to come visit.  I had gotten to know his parents, friends, and other family before making the decision to meet.  On my 33rd birthday he showed up at the airport.  That was the best gift I could ever have.  We were wed shortly after that, and it has been such a great move on my behalf.  This is when I experienced TRUE LOVE for the first time in my life.  I know now what it is and am happy to share it with others.  My children love him and call him dad.  Even my 3rd son, that never knew his father…loves this man so much that he himself chose to have his name changed to my husbands last name.  Seeing as to how his father NEVER once wrote back to relinquish his fatherly rights…we could not do a formal adoption. This was the first choice of my husbands wishes…but things happen.  Seeing as to how I had never received a letter back from the 3rd sons biological father, we had no idea of his residency or how to locate him.  With this being noted in court, they allowed the legal name change.

I then began drawing my disability checks.  Once I started receiving the checks, I was forced by the courts to turn over child support payment history.  When I was questioned about my 3rd sons father, ALL I had was a name, an old address, his sisters name, and his fathers name.  I did tell them about the school he went to for his cdl’s…but that is all I knew.  I never thought that they would find this man…but it was not in my hands.

I was really saddened when they did find this man, and we both know who we are talking about.  I never had even discussed with his son about his father until this moment when I knew we had to go to court.  I did not want my boy thinking his dad left just because I was pregnant with him.  That would be a blow to any ones head.  His dad was a loser in my book and is still a loser in my boys book for doing such a thing.  He can not say he didn’t ever know he had a son, because during the child support court case, I was questioned through HIS attorney about this child being adopted and I had allegedly made mention that another man was going to or wanting to adopt him…Hmmm…that must have came from all those letter I sent and he never replied too huh?

Trust me, if I were able to work…I WOULD!  This was not done out of spite or any ill intentions.  I was forced to go through with this in order for me to draw my disability.

Now you asked how I gave such great advice…Well I think that answer is rather clear.  It took me 33 years to find the perfect man, and after dealing with losers like this all of my life…I think that makes me MORE than qualified. I have never been a floosy, but life has taken me to several “blocks” as you said.  Does this make me a bad person? I think not. I have learned some very valuable life lessons along the way.

I also give thanks to God for all the blessing he has put in my life. He is the one that should get all the glory. Without him, Who knows where I would be.

Now that you have my address…you can write if you so choose.  I am sorry you have such hard feelings against me.  I have never wronged you or your husband for that matter.  It sometimes helps to get the truth before bashing on something you know nothing of.  His sister, (and we know the similarities between our names), had told me that he did in fact see the baby pictures and knew of the letters as well…so don’t be fooled if he is saying different.

I am glad this could come out in the open. We were actually wondering if and when we would hear from you guys.  I know that you have a 13 year old son , and that your husband, or my ex was in the national guard. That only came out after they found you all in the state you now live in.  Have you discussed with your son that he does have a 1/2 brother in a neighboring state?

I want you to be happy, just as we are.  There is no reason for any hostility or angry tones to anyone.  Sarcasm is dangerous…Please do not post anything else that is deragatory on my site.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

I have been married now for about 2 1/2 yrs. and my husband is always so rude to my parents when they come to the house.  My parents do not have to say or do anything, but simply talk to me about one thing or another, and my husband is always sassing them under his breath where we can all hear he is being sarcastic. I am so tired of his behavior. It makes him look like an ass (forgive my language), it makes me feel horrible, and my parents- I can’t imagine what they think when he acts like this. What can I do to get this behavior to stop? I really am finding it hard to cope with. I love my parents, and I love my husband. I could understand a little better if my parents didn’t like him or something, but they have always liked him until recently. Why on earth would he be acting out like this when they are around for no reason?

Anything you could tell me will help I am sure.

Thanks,

Mistress of Rude

Dear Mistress of Rude,

The first thing you need to realize is that there has to be an underlying reason for this behavior.  He would not be acting out in such a manner if there were no cause for him to feel it necessary to act out in such a way.  I would suggest you talking to him and asking him why it is he always makes smart remarks under his breath toward your parents when they are over.  Something may be bothering him that he has not yet shared with you.  Getting to the core of any situation will help you to understand it and know how to deal with it more efficiently.

If he refuses to talk to you about this situation, then I would suggest you pay closer attention to what it is he is saying under his breath, and what the topic of conversation was at the time he chose to act out.  Keep a tablet and write down what was said by you and your parents right before he mumbled something, then write down what he said under his breath if you are able to make it out.  Try to see if there is a pattern of conversational topics that cause him to act out.  This may give you some insight as to what is bothering him.

Lastly, don’t be afraid to call him out on his behavior.  If he acts up again after you have tried getting him to talk to you and you still have no closure for his actions, then when it happens again, simply say, “What was that dear?”  Keep polite as much as possible to avoid unneccesarry arguments.  Try to get him to speak out in front of everyone about what it is that he is feeling at that moment.  Involve your parents.  Try to have them coax him into speaking up.  There may be a confrontation at that point, that is why I suggest doing it last, but with the confrontation, there may come resolution as well.

Always,

Marsha