Dear Marsha,

I have been dating someone for over three months now, and things go well…until the ex calls.  The ex will ask what he is up to and he will say “I am driving to my parents house” or “I am picking something up for work”.  Now this is the truth, he will be driving to his parents house or picking something up…but I am sitting in the car right next to him.  He never says “We” or even mentions my name.

I have noticed this is only when his ex calls.  Anyone else can call and the word “We” is used and most of the time even my name is mentioned.  I confront him about it and he says “I just want to avoid getting any grief from my ex”.  Mind you, the ex is very immature and does give him this grief he speaks of, however I feel that I should not go completely ignored while sitting right next to him.  His ex knows we are together and neither one of us have anything to hide.

Shouldn’t he be proud of who I am and let his ex know what “We” are doing, together, whether he gets grief or not?

Feeling Invisible.

Dear Feeling Invisible,

I can clearly understand your frustration. To me it would feel more as if I were an embarrassment to my boyfriend than for him to feel any grief over my presence.  I would feel as if he were ashamed of me or that he prizes his ex to be on this pedestal and here I am sitting on a log. I would feel very inferior to her indeed.

I wish I had a clear explanation to offer you, but unfortunately, I do not. He should be the one telling her to stop with her grief giving comments and to accept the situation for what is. He loves you and that is that. He should also tell her that if she is going to give such rude comments to him over you, then perhaps she should not be calling him. You should not have to feel invisible to anyone.

In any relationship I were to pursue, I would want to feel as if I were number 1 and not settle for number 2 with any one. If I were not his top and only choice, then he would not be my choice at all.

Always,
Marsha

Hi Marsha!

I have 2 sons and recently have heard alot of negative stories about mother in laws. I realised one day I too will be a mother in law and this started a chain of thoughts. Can you offer any insight on why it is acceptable for women to phone their mothers 20 times a day if they want, let THEIR mother interfere in everything yet if the husband/boyfriend talks to his mother even 1/10th of the time, hes considered a Mummys boy/needs to cut apron strings etc etc?? His mother cannot speak without the wife being annoyed. Just doesnt seem fair that I will have to end up “losing” my boys, while the girls parents are still involved in every aspect of her life??

I would love your thoughts Marsha!

Thanks!

Mother -N- Law = Losing Son?

Dear Mother -N- Law = Losing Son?,

The common phrase “Momma’s Boy” has been used to refer to boys/young men that were excessively attached to their mother at an age when they should have been  independent and capable of living on their own.  Sadly, much of the world refers to young men as being a “Momma’s Boys”  when they carry on any sort of close relationship to their mother at any age.  I feel this is wrong, and it is just another example of how our society likes to pick on and/or ridicule others to make themselves feel better for one reason or another.

There is absolutely no reason why a young man should be deemed any such name for having a close relationship with his mother. A mother will always be there for her children no matter their age. Girls that are dating these so called “Momma’s Boys” should be very thankful for the close relationship he has with his mother for several reasons. 1st, Momma is always going to be there to guide them both in the right direction and to help them out of any and all difficult situations, and 2nd, A man that respects his mother, is more than likely going to have a high respect for women in general.

I think the issue mostly falls along the lines of a lad’s mother’s disapproval of his girlfriend and/or wife. If the mother is strongly opinionated, and voices what she feels, or is all the time trying to persuade her son to do things her way that is when the turmoil will begin with the mother/daughter -n- law relationship. I have known of this situation to work the opposite way as well when the son and mother -n-law do not see eye to eye.

For happy families to remain close in contact it will be very important to remember to try to have a close relationship with your -N- law. Make her/him feel just as much a part of the family as the rest and hearing their input on decisions you would normally only ask of your child.  Keep the attitude that you gained a daughter/son instead of losing a son/daughter. Remember to keep your space, allow them to make decisions on their own and to learn from them even if they are wrong. This is not saying to allow them to do something devastating without giving your polite input or reminding them of the percussions they could be faced with if things went awry. You can be a MOTHER to them both and everyone could be happy.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

Dear Friend Crush,

It does sound to me that there is some sort of deep connection between the two of you. It may be that he finds you as his closest and dearest friend, or it may mean something more. The only real way to know the difference is to ask!

There is no rule book on how you have to ask, so I would suggest being playful/tactful about it since you are so scared to ask him outright. In other words, you can find out from him his true inner feelings without actually asking him directly.

If the situation arises, then point out to him how compatible the two of you are, or how someone made a comment about how cute you two would be together.  You could talk to him about dating and what each of you think you would look for in another partner. You could ask him what others would think if the two of you started dating. Questions like these would give you a little insight as to whether or not he has feelings for you as well.

Pay close attention to his responses. If he is playful back, then he is probably interested in you just as you are in him. If he is hesitant or tries changing the subject, then he probably just thinks of you as a great friend.

This should ease your worry over losing the friendship with a simple direct question, yet at the same time give you all the answers you need.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

I met my best friend in high school. We got along like sisters. But my friend made lots of poor choices. She had her first 3 kids while we were still teenagers. She drank heavily, had abusive relationships, was promiscuous, etc.

When my friend had her fifth child, I agreed to move in with her and her newest husband to help care for the kids.

It was a bad idea. They were always angry with me, wanting me to watch the kids longer hours, keep the house cleaner, train the dogs better, etc. They blamed me for everything that went wrong with their house and their kids. Their children were allowed to do anything they wanted and have anything they wanted. When I tried to discipline them, I was in trouble. But when the children misbehaved, I was also in trouble!

When their dog had puppies, they gave me one… but then would torture me by yelling at and hitting the puppy, locking it in the cage for days, threatening to take it to the pound, etc.

I stayed mostly because I was very attached to the children. I stayed for a little over 3 years. At first they were paying me, but after the first year they said they couldn’t afford to pay me anymore. But I still wanted to be with the kids… I wanted to give them something positive in their life.

I moved out last month. After I moved out, they became very angry and accused me of stealing from them. They made nasty phone calls to me, posted things on my Facebook, and otherwise torrmented me however they could. I did everything I could to cut them out of my life, even though it meant I’d never see the children again.

The problem is I’ve been having nightmares. Every night I dream about them. Many of my dreams involve my former friend not allowing me to leave her house, or trying to take my puppy away. I also dream about the kids a lot. I wake up sad or frightened, every morning.

I feel like they are still controlling me, even though I no longer live with them or see them. I miss the children and I feel guilty about abandoning them… I loved them like my own, especially the baby, whom I raised since birth. But I want NOTHING to do with my former friends.

How can I get these people out of my head????!!!

Dear How can I get these people out of my head????!!!,

You have already taken the first step of recovery by removing yourself away from this so called friend and by having nothing to do with them. You need to remember and tell yourself that you are not the bad guy! You are clearly the victim in this situation. Look into the mirror and tell yourself daily that you did everything you could to the best of your ability and left because you HAD to! It was a very unhealthy situation for you to be in.

You must realize that you can not control your so called friend any more than you can control the weather. She must be responsible for her own actions no matter how poor they may be. It sounds as if this “friend” needed you to move in because she wanted to have a little more freedom and not be so locked down with 5 children. Most likely she took advantage of you in various ways by having you to be at their beckoning call every time that it was convenient for them. It was probably easy for them to make use of you so easily because you wanted to do nice things for them in the beginning, but then they started to take you for granted and it escalated from there. Then when she realized you were gone, she was hurt. She was probably not hurt because her friend left, but because her life of ease that she had become accustomed to for the past 3 years suddenly came to an abrupt end. This could have caused her to pass on the facebook ridicules, threats, and harrassmentson to you so easliy. She had to have someone to blame other than herself.

This is still no excuse for their behavior toward you.

The nightmares are reoccurring because of the abuse you were put through. You witnessed and were a part of abuse on seemingly a daily basis. This can leave a mental scar on you for a very long time. You may consider seeking professional help for a long term healing process.

I know this situation has to be very hard on you. You love those children as your own, and this too could be a reason you are finding it hard to let go. You could be going through what is called  separation anxiety disorder.  Again, this is something to discuss with a professional that could diagnose you and give you a proper treatment plan.

Before bed, I would only allow myself to think of happy thoughts, positive moments in my life or during the day at hand. Hopefully the brighter aspects of your subconscious mind will shine through and your nightmares will be replaced with peaceful dreams instead.

Always,

Marsha

Hello, I am just trying to get an unbiased take on this. Recently someone passed away and the parents asked for money for their son (a college educated adult with a full time job) for more education in lieu of flowers. I thought it inappropriate.   I have never seen such a thing, unless it’s a young child whose parent passed. I have seen donations to a cause in lieu of flowers, and that seems tactful, but not for an an adult who can support himself.

Just a sanity check,

Thanks,

HM

Dear HM,

I have heard of asking for cash in lieu of flowers in the past at funerals, but it is usually tactful and/or at the prior request of the deceased themselves. I feel torn on this current situation that you have described.

I do not like speaking negatively about anyone, and especially about those that I know nothing of. I am not aware of their circumstances or reasons behind making such a request at a time like this so I do not wish to judge their actions without more details from their perspective perhaps.

I will say that as a parent, I could not see myself ever making the same request for one of my sons education if another of my sons had just passed away. I would feel as if I were cheating my deceased son from his rightful respect being shown to him.

I would suggest that if you are uncomfortable meeting their request, then to go ahead and send the flowers anyways. Be certain to remain tactful in your attached card no matter how distasteful you found this whole situation to be. This is a time to honor the deceased and not bring attention to yourself.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

Me and my girlfriend have been going out for nearly a year. We cant say to have been close because frankly we are on different continents but we don’t find a problem in that. That is not the problem though as silly as it may seem I do love her. We are both 17, the problem is she has been more sexually active then me and she has done it more then 20 times which I seem to think is a large amount, sometimes thoughts of her exs pop in my head and it angers me even I don’t know why. Its not fair on her that I shud be depressed thinking about them and what they  have done to her. Even if she dosent see them anymore. I truly believe I love her and I want this badness to end. Is there anything I can do?

Ex Depression

Dear Ex Depression,

To truly love someone is to accept them as they are and forgive them for their past mistakes. Yes, she may have been sexually active with a previous partner or partners, but that is not what she is wanting now. If she feels the same for you as you do for her, then she is choosing to give up all sexual relations for someone she feels she loves.

It may be harder for you to push those thoughts out of your head because you are jealous that you are not with her physically to hold her, caress her and to kiss her. This jealousy will fuel upon your thoughts and it will grow and grow if you do not put an end to it.

Can you say that you trust her 100% with your heart? If the answer is yes, then:

You have to tell yourself that she is with you because she WANTS to be with you.

She wants to be YOUR girlfriend.

She Loves you and only YOU.

Nothing in her past means anything to her. She wants to leave it all behind her and to focus only on what she has now with you.

Focus your relationship on communication, trust, and learning everything you can about one another such as your likes, and dislikes, common interests, family members likes and dislikes, etc.  By being committed to one another without the sexual connection, you will be amazed at how beautiful everything will be on the day that you two finally get to meet and be with one another in person.

I would suggest the next time a horrible image appears in your thoughts, to dismiss it right away and to immediately replace it with a more pleasant thought that involves just the two of you. If you write to one another, try pulling out a letter or card and reading it until the bad thought is gone. Do not let jealousy ruin your happy thoughts!

Always,

Marsha

This letter came from Ex Depression in a later email:

Dear Marsha,

in addition to that I don’t know if this is important, or  revelent but she has been unfaithful few times in the past when she drinks she is unstable and it is really hard to trust her. So I am easily scared of something bad happening I donnt know if this is any imporatnce to the previous question.

Dear Ex Depression,

You do not state here whether she was unfaithful to you or to her ex’s. This makes it very difficult for me to answer, so I will try to answer it both ways.

1. She seems far too young to be drinking and sleeping with guys so openly. This is of great concern.

2. If she has been unfaithful in the past to her ex boyfriends, then I think this letter/reply basically stands the same. You must forgive and forget her past and accept her the way she is trying to be now with you.

3. If she has been unfaithful to you, then it is not something I would feel comfortable telling you to overlook. I would want you to keep your guard up and ask you to not fall too deeply in love with her at this time.

You could also feel free to ask her to give up drinking all together. If she loves you and wants to be with you, then she should be willing to do so with ease. You should be more important to her than a drink.

If something were to happen to affect your relationship in a negative manner, then I feel it is better to do so now while you both have not had any physical relations that it is for it to happen later after you have met or after you have fallen deeper in love.

Always,

Marsha

I have known this girl since the first grade. We are really close. I have always thought she is beutiful (She is the most beutiful thing since Farrah Fawcett), but for the past few years, I have grown to REALLY like her. All our friends know about it. But she still don’t know. My friends think I should ask her out, and my friends parents think we should date. But I’m far too shy and I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship. We have so many things in common that I couldn’t count them on one finger. I really like her. What should I do?

Wondering In Kentucky

Dear Wondering In Kentucky,

I have written several times on this very same subject, and still feel that it is worth repeating.

Friendship and communication are the 2 key ingredients or solid foundation of any lasting relationship. I can only assume that You have both of those with knowing her and remaining friends after all these years.

I would suggest asking her out. If you did ask her out and she said “Yes”, then you will be the most pleased man around. However, if she said “No” or “We are just friends”, then at least you laid your feelings for her out on the table and no real harm was done.  This is by far the better option than to never ask her out in the first place and regret not knowing her answer or if she even felt the same about you or not.

Always,

Marsha

I have an issue in my life that is honestly embarrassing to discuss with people that are close to me. The issue has basically boiled over because of a specific incident, and I do need to clear my head and move forward at this point.

I’ve been living with a man for appx. a year and a half who initially moved into my home for a strictly platonic financial arrangement. I started to sleep with him 6 months after he moved in. He’s made me no promises, and in all fairness has kept it casual.

Recently there has been so much snow in my area. The last time, it was 19 inches. That day, he left while I was shoveling the snow by myself and returned about 4 hours later. He did not ask me if I was o.k, muchless if I needed any help. He went to his room, ate food he’d brought home, remained in his room until the late night, then left and spent the night away.

At first I was o.k —–feeling that he doesn’t have to do anything for me, and yet I got more and more agitated as I thought about it because I would have been satisfied with even a small acknowledgment from him as to how difficult the day had been.

I withdrew for about a week and a half, even though I really didn’t mean to do that, but I felt that it was better than to start a conversation with high emotions because a bad vibe would come up by talking about it just then, so I waited.

Tonight I went to him hoping to resolve the situation. Instead it became worse. I tried to be fair telling him that we cant always give fully and I understand that, but sometimes if all we can give is a word of encouragement then it can be enough. I tried to be calm and fair, I cant judge exactly how my words come across , but I wasn’t trying to  beat him up, just show him my perspective.

He took it badly, He called me an unbalanced, ungrateful person, telling me that he’s not a mind reader–I should’ve asked for help, he’s done things for me in the past which I fail to acknowledge, he didn’t tell me to shovel the snow all by myself, I shouldn’t have done it,  I’m cheap- I should’ve paid someone to do it (I’m so broke at the moment that I couldn’t  do that) Nevertheless I told him no one came around to shovel (they didn’t), he insisted that wasn’t true. Then he told me I wasn’t talking to him that day anyway (not true we were up until 3am the night before watching movies together) I called him a liar and told him he was trying to justify his actions by making up a lie. He walked away. An hour later, he came back and I opened up the conversation again. He told me the whole conversation was bullshit, that I have no perspective on myself. I told him that may be the case but it still doesn’t make my thoughts on that day completely wrong. He called me ungrateful over and over and kept telling me again that I’m cheap and I should’ve paid someone to do it. I told him I would respect him more if he came out and told me not to expect anything from him and to f*ck off. He said, “I’m not that type of person”, but I said , “you are”, In the end he said “where do we go from here?” I said I may be unbalanced but I have enough perspective to know that I have no business having any expectations of you. From now on, you can be sure that no mater what happens, I do not expect any help from you. He remained silent and walked away.

Ultimately the situation is out of control at this point. I wanted him  to acknowledge me as someone who is important to him and to apologize for giving me the impression that my well being was not important that day. That’s an apology which I’ll never get.

He’ll probably move out soon. I’m o.k with that. I would be sad in the sense that we did have some really nice moments as roommates, and for it to end on a bad note would suck. I just need some outside input on this. I doubt myself. I question if I should have taken the issue to him at all. Have I been unfair to him?  Was I expecting so much? Why do I feel that I was only expecting the bare minimum but that still was too much?

Thank You for reading this, and I hope you’re are able to respond,

Asking Too Much?

Dear Asking Too Much?,

Most all of us would like to have our deeds acknowledged in one way or the other.  We would all be very discouraged from doing anything at all if they were not rewarded with kind words of gratitude and/or heartfelt gestures. Even a simple hug can go a very long way.

It sounds to me as if this man is very self centered and would only lift a finger if it benefited him in one aspect or another.  I think your sexual affair was probably of the same accord. In his eyes you were probably more of a room mate with special benefits but ONLY when it was convenient to him.

Because you allowed him added bonuses or benefits, that tends to weigh on our sub-conscience  mind that there is that little something more there between us. Women tend to fall for that more so than men do. We allow our minds to believe that we are connected in some way. We can tell ourselves that there is nothing more between us, but it does not always register like that with our sub conscience mind.

I think it was great that you brought it up to him. This showed you what kind of a person he is really like. His reactions were rude and arrogant. He showed his true colors and his lack of interest in your life. You were not being unfair to him. You actually showed yourself what you already knew, but didn’t want to admit to. You showed yourself that he is just a roommate and NOTHING more should come from it. That means sex, cuddling, or even personal conversations.

It may be for the best if he did move on and you both went your separate directions. If you pursue another roommate, try finding one of the same gender or if it is another male, then I would suggest not jumping into his arms unless you are both going to be committed to one another.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha:

Dear Desperate Father,

I feel that you have every right to be concerned. We all want what is best for our children and having someone so much older of the opposite sex, and given his current circumstances, must be a little distressing and full of concern to say the least.

I admire that your daughter and wife are trying to help this man, but he must want that help first. Sneaking around into your daughters room is not exactly going about things the right way. Anyone can fall upon hard times, but it is how we hold ourselves up and what our actions speak as to what it makes us become.

I would be very curious as  to why he is homeless. There has to be a reason that he is no longer welcome at his parents home anymore. Perhaps they passed away and he was left without family? Perhaps they simply could not afford themselves and he took it upon himself to step out of the home to make it on his own but found it more difficult than it was in his head at the time.  If either of these are/were the case, then by all means I would continue to support my wife in making efforts to find him shelter and a good job to get him back on track again and to let him know that he doesn’t have to be alone during these difficult times.

If he is homeless because of criminal issues such as drugs, alcohol, abuse, etc.; I would be even more concerned and try to keep my daughter and wife out of the picture as much as possible until you had time to straighten things out with him the correct way first.

Find out his history. Find out all details of why he is homeless. Explain to him that even if it were something of his doing and he wishes to change his lifestyle now, then you are willing to help him if he first is willing to help himself. Tell him that he is old enough to understand right from wrong and hiding out in your daughters bedroom or having/allowing her to skip school to help him is not going to be accepted. There is no reason to jeopardize your daughters education and future just because his has been tarnished. Any mature man will understand your requests and if he obliges, then help him in every way that you can. No man or woman needs to be treated as if they do not exist.

If he does not comply with your wishes, then tell him he must leave or be forced to leave one. Feel free to contact your local authorities to have him removed at any time. I doubt your daughter, at 16, will understand, but you can step back and say you gave him a chance and he was not willing to change himself, therefore you know you are doing what is best for your daughter and family.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

I believe my mother n law is upset with my husband and I, and I need an unbiased opinion on whether or not my husband and I did something wrong. My husband ( I’ll call Tom) works out of town 5 day a week and only comes home on weekends. He has been working out of town for 9 months now, and the only time he has spent more than 2 days in a row with our family has been over Christmas. During Christmas break he spent 12 days at home with us, however his mother spent 10 of those days with us. We were happy to see her, and enjoyed her company, but I admit I was happy to have the last two day alone with just my kids and my husband for some well needed family time. My husband has been planning on taking 4 days off on the kids spring break, to spend some well needed time with the kids and I, and we have been looking foward to the time together. My mother n law knew this and is now planning on coming down the week before my husband gets here and leaving the day before he leaves. I know this may sound selfish but my Tom and I were upset, because we had planned on that time to be just us and the kids. My husband called his mother and told her that he would love to see her when he gets home, but asked if she could find another place to stay for the last 4 days that she is here, so he could have some time with just his family. She said she understood, but when I called her a few days later, I could tell by her tone she was upset about it. Did we do something wrong? Tom gets in on a Tues. and he just asked if she could go to her brothers the following Thrus through Sunday. Do we owe her an apology?

mother in law , was I wrong?

Dear Mother-N-Law Was I Wrong?,

I do not feel that you are wrong in any way. It should be common knowledge to know and/or expect that your husband should want some personal family time without feeling as if he needs to entertain additional family members during his only free time at home.

I feel as if you went around it the correct way as well. Your husband did the right thing by calling his mother himself and trying to explain his desires to her. If he wanted this family time alone, then it was his place to say so. Mother-N-Laws can be very judgmental toward their son/daughters spouse on occasions like these, so your husband calling should have taken all the blame she could have conjured against you away.

I do not see any reason why the Mother-N-Law could not come on any given weekend that her son is home for a visit. She could use these 2 days as quality time both with her son and the grandchildren. There is also the choice of staying a week with you and the kids alone. It sounds as if you enjoy your Mother-N-Law being around, and I don’t think her staying to spend quality time with the grandkids would be an issue with you.

Rest assured that she will get over this in time. You and your husband have done nothing wrong and deserve that time alone as a family.

Always,

Marsha