Hi Marsha!

I have 2 sons and recently have heard alot of negative stories about mother in laws. I realised one day I too will be a mother in law and this started a chain of thoughts. Can you offer any insight on why it is acceptable for women to phone their mothers 20 times a day if they want, let THEIR mother interfere in everything yet if the husband/boyfriend talks to his mother even 1/10th of the time, hes considered a Mummys boy/needs to cut apron strings etc etc?? His mother cannot speak without the wife being annoyed. Just doesnt seem fair that I will have to end up “losing” my boys, while the girls parents are still involved in every aspect of her life??

I would love your thoughts Marsha!

Thanks!

Mother -N- Law = Losing Son?

Dear Mother -N- Law = Losing Son?,

The common phrase “Momma’s Boy” has been used to refer to boys/young men that were excessively attached to their mother at an age when they should have been  independent and capable of living on their own.  Sadly, much of the world refers to young men as being a “Momma’s Boys”  when they carry on any sort of close relationship to their mother at any age.  I feel this is wrong, and it is just another example of how our society likes to pick on and/or ridicule others to make themselves feel better for one reason or another.

There is absolutely no reason why a young man should be deemed any such name for having a close relationship with his mother. A mother will always be there for her children no matter their age. Girls that are dating these so called “Momma’s Boys” should be very thankful for the close relationship he has with his mother for several reasons. 1st, Momma is always going to be there to guide them both in the right direction and to help them out of any and all difficult situations, and 2nd, A man that respects his mother, is more than likely going to have a high respect for women in general.

I think the issue mostly falls along the lines of a lad’s mother’s disapproval of his girlfriend and/or wife. If the mother is strongly opinionated, and voices what she feels, or is all the time trying to persuade her son to do things her way that is when the turmoil will begin with the mother/daughter -n- law relationship. I have known of this situation to work the opposite way as well when the son and mother -n-law do not see eye to eye.

For happy families to remain close in contact it will be very important to remember to try to have a close relationship with your -N- law. Make her/him feel just as much a part of the family as the rest and hearing their input on decisions you would normally only ask of your child.  Keep the attitude that you gained a daughter/son instead of losing a son/daughter. Remember to keep your space, allow them to make decisions on their own and to learn from them even if they are wrong. This is not saying to allow them to do something devastating without giving your polite input or reminding them of the percussions they could be faced with if things went awry. You can be a MOTHER to them both and everyone could be happy.

Always,

Marsha

Hello, I am just trying to get an unbiased take on this. Recently someone passed away and the parents asked for money for their son (a college educated adult with a full time job) for more education in lieu of flowers. I thought it inappropriate.   I have never seen such a thing, unless it’s a young child whose parent passed. I have seen donations to a cause in lieu of flowers, and that seems tactful, but not for an an adult who can support himself.

Just a sanity check,

Thanks,

HM

Dear HM,

I have heard of asking for cash in lieu of flowers in the past at funerals, but it is usually tactful and/or at the prior request of the deceased themselves. I feel torn on this current situation that you have described.

I do not like speaking negatively about anyone, and especially about those that I know nothing of. I am not aware of their circumstances or reasons behind making such a request at a time like this so I do not wish to judge their actions without more details from their perspective perhaps.

I will say that as a parent, I could not see myself ever making the same request for one of my sons education if another of my sons had just passed away. I would feel as if I were cheating my deceased son from his rightful respect being shown to him.

I would suggest that if you are uncomfortable meeting their request, then to go ahead and send the flowers anyways. Be certain to remain tactful in your attached card no matter how distasteful you found this whole situation to be. This is a time to honor the deceased and not bring attention to yourself.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha:

Dear Desperate Father,

I feel that you have every right to be concerned. We all want what is best for our children and having someone so much older of the opposite sex, and given his current circumstances, must be a little distressing and full of concern to say the least.

I admire that your daughter and wife are trying to help this man, but he must want that help first. Sneaking around into your daughters room is not exactly going about things the right way. Anyone can fall upon hard times, but it is how we hold ourselves up and what our actions speak as to what it makes us become.

I would be very curious as  to why he is homeless. There has to be a reason that he is no longer welcome at his parents home anymore. Perhaps they passed away and he was left without family? Perhaps they simply could not afford themselves and he took it upon himself to step out of the home to make it on his own but found it more difficult than it was in his head at the time.  If either of these are/were the case, then by all means I would continue to support my wife in making efforts to find him shelter and a good job to get him back on track again and to let him know that he doesn’t have to be alone during these difficult times.

If he is homeless because of criminal issues such as drugs, alcohol, abuse, etc.; I would be even more concerned and try to keep my daughter and wife out of the picture as much as possible until you had time to straighten things out with him the correct way first.

Find out his history. Find out all details of why he is homeless. Explain to him that even if it were something of his doing and he wishes to change his lifestyle now, then you are willing to help him if he first is willing to help himself. Tell him that he is old enough to understand right from wrong and hiding out in your daughters bedroom or having/allowing her to skip school to help him is not going to be accepted. There is no reason to jeopardize your daughters education and future just because his has been tarnished. Any mature man will understand your requests and if he obliges, then help him in every way that you can. No man or woman needs to be treated as if they do not exist.

If he does not comply with your wishes, then tell him he must leave or be forced to leave one. Feel free to contact your local authorities to have him removed at any time. I doubt your daughter, at 16, will understand, but you can step back and say you gave him a chance and he was not willing to change himself, therefore you know you are doing what is best for your daughter and family.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

I believe my mother n law is upset with my husband and I, and I need an unbiased opinion on whether or not my husband and I did something wrong. My husband ( I’ll call Tom) works out of town 5 day a week and only comes home on weekends. He has been working out of town for 9 months now, and the only time he has spent more than 2 days in a row with our family has been over Christmas. During Christmas break he spent 12 days at home with us, however his mother spent 10 of those days with us. We were happy to see her, and enjoyed her company, but I admit I was happy to have the last two day alone with just my kids and my husband for some well needed family time. My husband has been planning on taking 4 days off on the kids spring break, to spend some well needed time with the kids and I, and we have been looking foward to the time together. My mother n law knew this and is now planning on coming down the week before my husband gets here and leaving the day before he leaves. I know this may sound selfish but my Tom and I were upset, because we had planned on that time to be just us and the kids. My husband called his mother and told her that he would love to see her when he gets home, but asked if she could find another place to stay for the last 4 days that she is here, so he could have some time with just his family. She said she understood, but when I called her a few days later, I could tell by her tone she was upset about it. Did we do something wrong? Tom gets in on a Tues. and he just asked if she could go to her brothers the following Thrus through Sunday. Do we owe her an apology?

mother in law , was I wrong?

Dear Mother-N-Law Was I Wrong?,

I do not feel that you are wrong in any way. It should be common knowledge to know and/or expect that your husband should want some personal family time without feeling as if he needs to entertain additional family members during his only free time at home.

I feel as if you went around it the correct way as well. Your husband did the right thing by calling his mother himself and trying to explain his desires to her. If he wanted this family time alone, then it was his place to say so. Mother-N-Laws can be very judgmental toward their son/daughters spouse on occasions like these, so your husband calling should have taken all the blame she could have conjured against you away.

I do not see any reason why the Mother-N-Law could not come on any given weekend that her son is home for a visit. She could use these 2 days as quality time both with her son and the grandchildren. There is also the choice of staying a week with you and the kids alone. It sounds as if you enjoy your Mother-N-Law being around, and I don’t think her staying to spend quality time with the grandkids would be an issue with you.

Rest assured that she will get over this in time. You and your husband have done nothing wrong and deserve that time alone as a family.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

A friend’s small granddaughter just had her tonsils out and she sent a love-gift box (stuffed animal and book) to her…but daughter-in-law and son are withholding it for some reason. ..I have never had in-law problems, so I can’t relate to this…but it does not seem right to me.

What do you think?

Sounding board

Dear Sounding Board,

I would think that there was some sort of family issue amongst the daughter-n-law/son and the grandmother. For a simple surgery such as tonsils to be taken out, it doesn’t seem like withholding gifts would be something suggested by a Dr. or the staff in order to avoid over stimulation of the child.

If this is the case, then it saddens me for 2 reasons.

1. This child could be caught in the center of a dispute that may not have even involved them directly, but the parents can not see past their own anger.

2. After any surgery, children especially, like knowing that family and friends are thinking of them and gifts are or should be welcomed to help cheer them up and allow them to forget about their pain.

Maybe the parents wanted to be the first to give their daughter a gift, but had not yet gotten around to it? If that was the case, then perhaps the parents should have kindly explained so to the grandmother instead of denying her gifts to be happily received.

What ever the reasons were, I hope that it can be resolved shortly for the childs sake if nothing more.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha:

I have a male relative, 13 yrs. my junior, who doesn’t have any friends his own age.  He drops by my place – usually without checking with me to see if I’m available – just to talk, and all he talks about are dogs, rock music, and horror movies (he is 27).

He’s never had a girlfriend until this past year, and the young lady grew up in a strict Christian home – actually her father runs more of a cult than a true church, where women cannot wear pants, dancing, alcoholic beverages of all kinds, and caffeine are considered sins, and only hand-holding is allowed on dates, and this is only the minor things they are against.  He attends church, even though he still visits porn sites via the Internet.  He tells me all this,a nd has even asked me why I have never tried to get into being a porn star!  (Is this normal for a young man to ask an older female relative?)

Concerned Relative

Dear Concerned Relative,

Your relative sounds lonely and is seeking answers. He comes to you for friendship and companionship during his trying times. He sees you as a friend and someone he can trust and speak openly to.

I feel as if he is wanting to be this person that his girlfriends family approves of but may be having difficulties with the sexual frustrations it is leaving him with. You have given me very little detail, but I think he is dealing with emotional issues right now.

If there has been no other advancements or flirtations, then he probably asked you why you never became a porn star as a silent question to get your thoughts on porn in general. To ask in an inconspicuous way if you approve of porn or his visits to those sites. He may want to know if this is acceptable by you knowing he has a girlfriend of Christian orientation and that he too is trying to live this life.

Look at this as an opportunity to share your beliefs with him instead of it possibly insinuating anything more.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

I didn’t send out thank you cards for my baby shower in March 2010 (my daughter is now 8 months) and my parents are so angry at me they won’t talk with me.  Is there anything I can do to make everyone happy without looking even more “tacky” then I already do?

Thank You,

Bad Manners

Dear Bad Manners,

The first thing that came to my mind is you were pregnant and pregnant women have a tendency to forget things on a regular basis. You are lucky to get up each morning, take your shower, and make it to your car. After that, things get fuzzy. I could not tell you how many times I made it to my car only to turn right back around to grab my keys I left on the table or my purse I had to drive 10 minutes back to the house to retrieve. I thought I was losing my mind until my Dr. told me it was perfectly normal and something most all women go through.

If you kept a list of who gave you what, then I think we can mend this situation.  This idea is a unique one, but fitting just the same.

Buy some Thank You cards, and make them out to each person saying: “Thank you for the Walker you purchased for Baby Ann, she has been enjoying it greatly and loves to play in it daily. Then include a photo of your baby using that item if you can.

I realize some guests may have sent diapers, but you can thank them for helping you get through the first few months of the baby’s life and made your finances a little less stressful. You can include any random photo with items like these.

Not only are you giving your guests a Thank You that they deserve and desire, but you are giving them a little bonus with the photos as well.

I really hope this helps and I would love to hear how it turns out.

Always,

Marsha

Marsha,  hope that you can help with some advice.

My 17-year old son is a senior in high school and is quite popular in school,  and for the most part is just a pretty good kid.  He is an athlete (one of the best in his school in all sports),  and one of the bad aspects of this school system is that it is a badge of honor for the girls or boys to have sex with the most popular athlete.  There is a girl that he says that he does not like,  but every so often,  he goes over to her house to “hang” out with her,  whatever that means.

Over the past couple of days,  he has been bringing the mail inside,  which is something that he normally does not do.  Today,  I happened to be at home when the mail arrived,  and included was a package addressed to him from a company that I did not recognize.  I did some investigation on the Internet (three clicks with a Google search) and found that this company is a distributor of condoms.

How would you advise that we, his mother and I,  go about handling this situation.  My first intent was to present the package to him in the presence of his mother and make him open it,  but it will devastate her,  for this is something that we have hope and prayed would never happen.  In addition,  if we were to elect to discipline or punish him,  what would you advise?  You will see by my signature,  what sort of problem that this situation might pose for me and my family.

Thanks for your help.  Looking forward to your reply.

PreacherDJW

Dear Preacher DJW,

Please take a deep breath and try to look at this situation from your sons eyes.  With condoms being easily accessible and sometimes given away for free at most any store, health department and/or school, he is showing some sort of inner guilt by making the decision to order these online and have them delivered to the house. He has no desire to want anyone knowing he has them besides himself. He knows that you, his mother, and God would strongly disagree and disprove of premarital sex, yet he feels the need to protect himself from disease and/or  having a child out of wedlock.

If you were to call him out on this package, and make him open it in front of his mother, you will be causing him much stress, anger, and embarrassment on a decision that he has already thought long and hard about. There is no need to punish or discipline him in this manner. I fear it would only do more harm than good at this point.

If you really wish to get to your sons inner most feelings, than I would suggest taking a walk with him. Drop the Preacher title for this walk and only use “Dad”.  In other words, do not walk and talk to him as a preacher or from a preachers point of view but be as a loving and caring dad instead.  Open the discussion casually, do not jump right on to topic. Ask him how things are going in school, sports, or other events. Then tell him that you feel it is time to talk to him about sex openly. Let him know that it is an urge that all teenagers have both male and female. Tell him that you were a teen once and that you remember the pressures. If you had premarital sex yourself, then do not hide it from him. Let him know what it was like.  If you had any regrets, then tell him about those too. If you did not have premarital sex, then tell him about all of the urges you fought off and how determined you were to save yourself for the right gal. You may wish to explain to him that once you have given yourself to someone, then you can never get that part of you back again, and that it becomes much easier to give yourself again and again be it the same person or another. Remember to keep the conversation between DAD and SON. At the end of the conversation, lovingly hand him the package (hopefully unopened) and tell him that it came in the mail for him. You do not have to say that you KNOW what is in the package, just let that remain silent. He has to make his own decision now. He should piece together from the conversation that there is a possibility of you knowing what is in there.

As far as the mother goes, if you are in fear that she will be devastated over this situation, then tell her only what needs to be told. Ask her to continue praying for your son and let her know about him having normal teen urges. There is no need to let her know that your son purchased condoms. That was supposed to be something he did in confidence and if it were not for the power of technology at our fingertips, even you would not know what is or could be in that package.

Remember in your heart, that you have done the best you can in bringing your son up in God’s light. You have sowed Gods word into him throughout his upbringing, that seed will always be there. Proverbs 22:6 – “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

I dont normally trust advice columnists. Then again, I dont normally trust anyone any more.

My problem is twofold. First, I am a freshmen at my highschool and Im finding out the harsh reaility of how much high school sucks. I am constantly bullied by my fellow freshmen mostly. They call me all sorts of names, from “gay” to simply telling me I’m an idiot, or putting my down, or calling me weird. As such, sadly, I’ve defaulted into an almost EMO sort of person who pretty much lashes out at everything and hates most people. Note, that now the bullying might be worse, but it was still very bad before I started this.

My second problem ties in with the first.

Last year in eigth grade, I fell hard for a girl. It ended up being a really unhealthy situation for both of us, and at the end of it, I ended up sending some stupid facebook messages to a friend (he was at that time) about wanting to commit suicide, and feeling like I was going to bit the girl or some other stupid crap. Anyway, this resulted in a suspension from school, and now some still give me crap about it and think I’m a weirdo. Anyway, since then, this friend and I have gotten into a few major fights (not physical) and are now kind of friends. I think he might be trying to be my friend again, but it’s hard to tell when he simultaneiously lifts me up and shoots me down. So pretty much I dont trust him or anyone else at my school. I am absolutely miserable.

I have a few options, I could move in with my divorced dad who lives in a different state. I would be in a loving family with a really awesome step sister. Problem is that that place is in the middle of nowhere kind of (very small town) with not much to do, and no Magic the Gathering store to play at. Magic is like my life, and I love it way to much to give it up that much, plus, I absolutely love my location and my mom.

Option number two is to go to the alternative high school, or a school like the alternative high school. Problem with that is that if I dont feel safe at my high school, I doubt I’ll feel safe there. I have already been to one alternative high school and left there with some pretty deep scars (I was stalked and somewhat molested by a guy.)

Option number three is to keep going. But I have problems getting out of bed, dreading what the day will be like. Who will rip my dreams and spirit in two today? I just feel so lonely. I’m struggling in my geometry class because no one wants me in their group for in class assignments and homework, so I end up doing it alone. I hate my situation. Last year, I really, really wanted a girlfriend. This year I would jump at the chance to have a best friend in school again. There have been times when I have seriously been ready to break down and cry.

Do you see any other options? any words of wisdom? Thank you, and  I really hope I’ll be able to trust your advice enough to follow it.

-Jon

Dear Jon,

I am deeply touched that you have taken the time to write me your situation. I am also saddened that you feel as if you have to go through this all alone.  As a mother of 4 teen boys, I am going to give you the best advice that I can and treat you as if it were one of them in your position.

Please know that we all make mistakes. Sometimes we say and do things that we later end up regretting, but it just happened during that heated or emotional distressing moment. We may feel badly for days about what happened, and wish we could take it back and/or have chosen different words to say instead. We all know that isn’t possible, so we just have to move on from there.

If these facebook messages got back to this ex girlfriend of yours, then I would suggest you write her and apologize for your behavior and let her know you were just hurt at the time. Do not expect a letter back in return, and it is quite possible she will ridicule you with her friends over it. The important thing to remember here is that you are trying to correct a wrong from a year ago that started this situation.

You have tried the alternative school once before, and it turned out to add even more emotional distress upon you. I do not see an “Alternative” school being the answer to solve your issues. You are still young enough to move on and have a better life. You need that open door to walk through for a new beginning.

In my honest opinion, I would talk to your mother. Tell her your hurts, pains, and fears. Explain to her that you love her beyond imagination and that the only reason you wish to move on is to better your life. Do not be afraid to show your emotions and let her see how distressing this is on you. Tell her that you have tried to work things out, but it is not going the direction you need for a well rounded future. She may even be willing to move you both out of that area if she is financially able to do so and after seeing how distraught you are over these situations. This could be an option that was not mentioned earlier.

If that option is not possible at this time…then as much as it may seem like it would be an inconvenience at the least, I would suggest moving in with your father. This can be exactly what you need for an emotional healing and over all well being. You already know that you get along with your step sister. I am sure that she would help you to feel “wanted” and “accepted” in that area.

By living in a different state, it will give you the opportunity to “start over”
so to speak.  You will still be a freshman and have plenty of time to make new life long friends. You will not have to worry about others not wanting to be your partner, ridiculing you, or torturing you over past issues. You will have no need to be considered EMO. This is a very Golden opportunity for you.

Living out in the middle of nowhere would give you that healing time you so well deserve. There may not be a “Magic” shop around, but I am sure you will find others with the same interests as you before you know it.  My husband used to collect Magic cards, and he has so many of them that he is willing to give you if that would make your transition any easier. I am also certain that your mother would understand why you wish to leave, and would want what is best for you.

It really disturbs me how others can be so cruel and have no concern over the pain they cause others. I will continue praying for you that God will watch over you and guide your heart toward a much brighter path.

Always,

Marsha