Dear Marsha,

I have been dating someone for over three months now, and things go well…until the ex calls.  The ex will ask what he is up to and he will say “I am driving to my parents house” or “I am picking something up for work”.  Now this is the truth, he will be driving to his parents house or picking something up…but I am sitting in the car right next to him.  He never says “We” or even mentions my name.

I have noticed this is only when his ex calls.  Anyone else can call and the word “We” is used and most of the time even my name is mentioned.  I confront him about it and he says “I just want to avoid getting any grief from my ex”.  Mind you, the ex is very immature and does give him this grief he speaks of, however I feel that I should not go completely ignored while sitting right next to him.  His ex knows we are together and neither one of us have anything to hide.

Shouldn’t he be proud of who I am and let his ex know what “We” are doing, together, whether he gets grief or not?

Feeling Invisible.

Dear Feeling Invisible,

I can clearly understand your frustration. To me it would feel more as if I were an embarrassment to my boyfriend than for him to feel any grief over my presence.  I would feel as if he were ashamed of me or that he prizes his ex to be on this pedestal and here I am sitting on a log. I would feel very inferior to her indeed.

I wish I had a clear explanation to offer you, but unfortunately, I do not. He should be the one telling her to stop with her grief giving comments and to accept the situation for what is. He loves you and that is that. He should also tell her that if she is going to give such rude comments to him over you, then perhaps she should not be calling him. You should not have to feel invisible to anyone.

In any relationship I were to pursue, I would want to feel as if I were number 1 and not settle for number 2 with any one. If I were not his top and only choice, then he would not be my choice at all.

Always,
Marsha

Dear Marsha,

Dear Friend Crush,

It does sound to me that there is some sort of deep connection between the two of you. It may be that he finds you as his closest and dearest friend, or it may mean something more. The only real way to know the difference is to ask!

There is no rule book on how you have to ask, so I would suggest being playful/tactful about it since you are so scared to ask him outright. In other words, you can find out from him his true inner feelings without actually asking him directly.

If the situation arises, then point out to him how compatible the two of you are, or how someone made a comment about how cute you two would be together.  You could talk to him about dating and what each of you think you would look for in another partner. You could ask him what others would think if the two of you started dating. Questions like these would give you a little insight as to whether or not he has feelings for you as well.

Pay close attention to his responses. If he is playful back, then he is probably interested in you just as you are in him. If he is hesitant or tries changing the subject, then he probably just thinks of you as a great friend.

This should ease your worry over losing the friendship with a simple direct question, yet at the same time give you all the answers you need.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

Me and my girlfriend have been going out for nearly a year. We cant say to have been close because frankly we are on different continents but we don’t find a problem in that. That is not the problem though as silly as it may seem I do love her. We are both 17, the problem is she has been more sexually active then me and she has done it more then 20 times which I seem to think is a large amount, sometimes thoughts of her exs pop in my head and it angers me even I don’t know why. Its not fair on her that I shud be depressed thinking about them and what they  have done to her. Even if she dosent see them anymore. I truly believe I love her and I want this badness to end. Is there anything I can do?

Ex Depression

Dear Ex Depression,

To truly love someone is to accept them as they are and forgive them for their past mistakes. Yes, she may have been sexually active with a previous partner or partners, but that is not what she is wanting now. If she feels the same for you as you do for her, then she is choosing to give up all sexual relations for someone she feels she loves.

It may be harder for you to push those thoughts out of your head because you are jealous that you are not with her physically to hold her, caress her and to kiss her. This jealousy will fuel upon your thoughts and it will grow and grow if you do not put an end to it.

Can you say that you trust her 100% with your heart? If the answer is yes, then:

You have to tell yourself that she is with you because she WANTS to be with you.

She wants to be YOUR girlfriend.

She Loves you and only YOU.

Nothing in her past means anything to her. She wants to leave it all behind her and to focus only on what she has now with you.

Focus your relationship on communication, trust, and learning everything you can about one another such as your likes, and dislikes, common interests, family members likes and dislikes, etc.  By being committed to one another without the sexual connection, you will be amazed at how beautiful everything will be on the day that you two finally get to meet and be with one another in person.

I would suggest the next time a horrible image appears in your thoughts, to dismiss it right away and to immediately replace it with a more pleasant thought that involves just the two of you. If you write to one another, try pulling out a letter or card and reading it until the bad thought is gone. Do not let jealousy ruin your happy thoughts!

Always,

Marsha

This letter came from Ex Depression in a later email:

Dear Marsha,

in addition to that I don’t know if this is important, or  revelent but she has been unfaithful few times in the past when she drinks she is unstable and it is really hard to trust her. So I am easily scared of something bad happening I donnt know if this is any imporatnce to the previous question.

Dear Ex Depression,

You do not state here whether she was unfaithful to you or to her ex’s. This makes it very difficult for me to answer, so I will try to answer it both ways.

1. She seems far too young to be drinking and sleeping with guys so openly. This is of great concern.

2. If she has been unfaithful in the past to her ex boyfriends, then I think this letter/reply basically stands the same. You must forgive and forget her past and accept her the way she is trying to be now with you.

3. If she has been unfaithful to you, then it is not something I would feel comfortable telling you to overlook. I would want you to keep your guard up and ask you to not fall too deeply in love with her at this time.

You could also feel free to ask her to give up drinking all together. If she loves you and wants to be with you, then she should be willing to do so with ease. You should be more important to her than a drink.

If something were to happen to affect your relationship in a negative manner, then I feel it is better to do so now while you both have not had any physical relations that it is for it to happen later after you have met or after you have fallen deeper in love.

Always,

Marsha

I have known this girl since the first grade. We are really close. I have always thought she is beutiful (She is the most beutiful thing since Farrah Fawcett), but for the past few years, I have grown to REALLY like her. All our friends know about it. But she still don’t know. My friends think I should ask her out, and my friends parents think we should date. But I’m far too shy and I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship. We have so many things in common that I couldn’t count them on one finger. I really like her. What should I do?

Wondering In Kentucky

Dear Wondering In Kentucky,

I have written several times on this very same subject, and still feel that it is worth repeating.

Friendship and communication are the 2 key ingredients or solid foundation of any lasting relationship. I can only assume that You have both of those with knowing her and remaining friends after all these years.

I would suggest asking her out. If you did ask her out and she said “Yes”, then you will be the most pleased man around. However, if she said “No” or “We are just friends”, then at least you laid your feelings for her out on the table and no real harm was done.  This is by far the better option than to never ask her out in the first place and regret not knowing her answer or if she even felt the same about you or not.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

Dear Misguided Love,

The chances that he will go back to her is Very High. They have been together for 8 years. They obviously have a love for one another despite their differences. What else would have kept them together for so long?

I fear you may only be hearing what you “want” to hear and nothing more.  For him to say that he changed and she hasn’t is all from his point of view only. Unless you know first hand what is happening on a daily basis in their relationship, then I would not trust what is being said.

I would be very skeptical of your relationship with him. I would question myself how I would feel in her shoes. What would it be like if he just up and left me when I was pregnant after we have spent so many years together. He has not even given himself time to allow things to cool off before wishing to start another relationship. Do you really think it would last?

When that baby is born, it could very well remind him of the times they were together, when they were happy and peachy. He may see his child and want to be a part of his/her life. Staying with someone or getting back with someone for the sake of a child may not be healthy in all aspects of life, but it is very common.

I would back off for a bit to see how things go. It is okay to remain his friend, but nothing more at this time. For your sake if nothing else.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha,

The thing is I’m not sure about that,for all I know,I can be wrong and just thinking too much but….they weren’t like that before.I will be confronting my big brother soon about this cause I know he’s depressed ever since his ex broke up with him and I’m afraid he has become more depressed than ever because there is this possibility that they are going out or one of them might have feelings for each other.

Regards,

It really touches my heart to know you are such a loving and caring sister and that your brother means so much to you.

It used to be a rule of thumb that a friend does not date a friend’s ex. This rule was general knowledge simply because of the feelings that were involved. Unfortunately incidents like these happen all the time.

I would question if your brothers friend was really a true friend or not. If he were a true friend, then he would have known how much your brother cared for his ex. He would have not even thought of dating this girl because he would have put his friendship with your brother first. It would not have mattered who broke up with whom or the reasons either.

I think that the first thing I would do is to let things drop. Try not to mention anything to your brother about his ex. Instead, try getting his mind off of things. Take him along with you to any outings you and your friends may have, or involve him in something different all together that has nothing to do with either his ex or his so called friend.

The only thing that can heal a broken heart and/or a broken friendship is time.

Always,

Dear Marsha,

I have been dating this guy I’ll call him Todd for 1 and 1/2 years now…. hes really sweet but he doesnt like to come with me to see my family he only likes to go see his family. Now he did have a fight with  my dad a while back, but my dad doesn’t care about it at all and he has resolved it. For about a month i’ve been thinking of breaking up with him because of that. I want a guy that likes my family and he clearly doesn’t. But, everytime i go to break up with him i don’t, I don’t know why either, maybe because he crys infront of me when i talk about leaving he says he loves me but he has a funny way of showing it and i dont think he really loves me like he says.

now a week ago an old friend came back to town from the navy we will call him Jake, and it stired up old feelings we had for each other…. and I’ve never felt this way about a guy before. I really want to be with him. and he wants to be with me. But i feel that im cutting todd short of his chance, but i also feel that if i don’t break up with todd that I’m missing Jake a once and life time chance. I am so confused and don’t know what I should do at all. Can you give me your advice on this one??? I’m really lost, and I’m normally not like this, i normally know what I want.

Sincerely,

Sally

Dear Sally,

Todd seems to be rather insecure of himself.  By allowing one simple disagreement to stop him from visiting your family he has shown that he can not tolerate someones disapproval or criticism. Your dad must have made him feel out of place and maybe rightfully so, but Todd should have sucked up his insecurities and get over it if he had intentions of pursuing a relationship with you. Family is important to most of us, and perhaps Todd chooses to see his family where they love and accept him for the way he is and they make him feel comfortable. He knows that if his family were to be forward with him or tell him something that he may wish not to hear, then he can just speak his mind freely back to them as they are family and will/should accept him through the good and the bad.

The fact that you have contemplated a break up says that you are not ready for a commitment with Todd. You are unhappy and not ready to settle on this man. Then when Jake entered into your life again, you saw the sparks fly. If you really loved Todd, there would not be any sparks for another flying around so freely.

You are going to hurt Todd with either direction you go. If you continue the relationship with Todd, and still have feelings for Jake, then you are wronging Todd his chance at happiness and true love.  What is it going to be like on down the road if things do not change between the both of you?  If you break off ties with Todd now, he will be heart broken, or so he may appear, but you are giving him the freedom to find the one that is right for him and allowing you to be true to yourself.

Always,

Marsha

Dear Marsha:

I have a male relative, 13 yrs. my junior, who doesn’t have any friends his own age.  He drops by my place – usually without checking with me to see if I’m available – just to talk, and all he talks about are dogs, rock music, and horror movies (he is 27).

He’s never had a girlfriend until this past year, and the young lady grew up in a strict Christian home – actually her father runs more of a cult than a true church, where women cannot wear pants, dancing, alcoholic beverages of all kinds, and caffeine are considered sins, and only hand-holding is allowed on dates, and this is only the minor things they are against.  He attends church, even though he still visits porn sites via the Internet.  He tells me all this,a nd has even asked me why I have never tried to get into being a porn star!  (Is this normal for a young man to ask an older female relative?)

Concerned Relative

Dear Concerned Relative,

Your relative sounds lonely and is seeking answers. He comes to you for friendship and companionship during his trying times. He sees you as a friend and someone he can trust and speak openly to.

I feel as if he is wanting to be this person that his girlfriends family approves of but may be having difficulties with the sexual frustrations it is leaving him with. You have given me very little detail, but I think he is dealing with emotional issues right now.

If there has been no other advancements or flirtations, then he probably asked you why you never became a porn star as a silent question to get your thoughts on porn in general. To ask in an inconspicuous way if you approve of porn or his visits to those sites. He may want to know if this is acceptable by you knowing he has a girlfriend of Christian orientation and that he too is trying to live this life.

Look at this as an opportunity to share your beliefs with him instead of it possibly insinuating anything more.

Always,

Marsha

I’ve been friends with my best friend for a few years now. All my other friends and myself have always considered “Abby” to be a bit on the immature and naive side when it came to relationships. I was there throughout her first real “heart break” and she eventually got over it. Then along came “John.” at first, they seemed like a good couple. It made me happy to see her happy, considering she was unhappy about her last boyfriend for so long.

For the first few months everything was good. Then I started to become suspicious about John. He would always hint things at Abby, saying she needed to workout (even though she was already REALLY skinny) and always telling her what she should do. Abby never thought anything of it, and even though she would tell me what he’d say, she’d always defend him against me defending her.

Their relationship lasted about 8-10 months, but they were never exclusive. Abby always tried saying “patience is a virtue,” but I know deep inside she really wanted to be his actual girlfriend. She did whatever he wanted her to do, which resulted in her going against her own morals. He started to become more and more demanding and in turn they started arguing a lot. She would call me crying numerous times almost every night. As her best friend, this obviously put a strain on me too. I would always tell her she doesn’t need to put up with it, but she would always say, “Well hopefully he’ll change…”

During the last few months of their relationship, things got really bad for Abby’s home life (partially because of John, too). She even came to live with me and my family. Being up close and personal with her gave me a better idea of what her relationship with John was like. He was completely unsupportive, selfish, and just plain mean. But of course, she was still hoping for the best. Me and her had to share a bed with her at night, and I don’t know how many times I had to stay up late with her because she’d be crying – because of him.

My final straw with their relationship was when she decided to go spend mother’s day with his family instead of mine, even though MY mother had been supporting her with her drama with him and her own family as well. However, when he realized how far away my house was from his, he refused to come pick her up. Me and her had a long talk about him later on that day, and I thought she was fed up. I suppose they had their last conversation officially “ending” them, but she never told me exactly what happened.

After a few months, Abby moved to a new city, got a job, and seemed to be doing a whole lot better without him. But I know she never got over him. She never really tried to in my opinion. To her, he was her ideal choice of a man (for whatever reason…). She was with one of our friends from high school throughout summer, but again, nothing official. With this guy, she seemed distant, claiming she didn’t want anything serious like she had with john.

Now here’s where I need advice: It’s been months since Abby and john ended. That was back in May, and now she’s told me they have started talking again. She said she doesn’t want to rush into anything with him and whatever happens, happens, and that they’re “just friends”. However, I know her very well, and by the things she posts on twitter and Facebook I know she really wants to be with him again and that they’re a little more than just friends.

I’m all for her being happy, but she doesn’t realize that John has put a huge strain on mine and her friendship. She knows I hate him with a passion, so she doesn’t tell me anything that goes on with them. With us not in school anymore and not even living in the same city, we hardly talk at all. She’s told me before that she lost a lot of her friends in high school because of her relationship with her ex-boyfriend. I don’t think she gets that this can possibly happen again. My question isn’t if I should tell her how I feel, because she already knows. My question is how to I make her realize what’s going on? Or maybe is it just best that we end our friendship? If she IS the same Abby I know, I know she’ll go back to john. I just don’t want to hear about it when things fall apart again, because it really does bother me to hear about him. Helping her with her problems just causes more for me, and I’m finally done putting up with it. So should I wait and tell her when she comes crying to me or just give her a “heads up” now? Also, am  I considered a bad friend because i’ve told her I don’t want to hear about her a John? My minds all over the place. HELP!

A Concerned Friend

Dear A Concerned Friend,

Your friend already knows that you disapprove over her decision to pursue contact with someone that hurt her once before. She remembers how many nights you stayed up talking to her and trying to comfort her. She knows that you and your family were there for her when hers went bad, and how you opened your home and hearts to her in her time of need. You will always be her friend no matter what relationships she may endure throughout life.

Right now it seems as if she could be in Love with the idea of being in Love. She wants to have a relationship so badly that she is blinded by all the negatives that this man has put her through in the past. He may even have apologized to her for the way he treated her in their high school days. We do not know, or at least it was not mentioned, and if he did, this may be consolation enough to her in helping her decide to give him another chance.

She will have to be the only one to make this decision. We could talk to her until we are blue in the face, but ultimately it is her decision and only she can decide what is best for her. As her friend, it is important that you are there for her. If she calls, do not become emotionally attached to her situation. Keep in mind it is her decision and she has to be the one to see the light or the dark in her own life. If she calls to whine, just keep in mind that she loves you enough to hear your advice even though she may not follow it. Anything you say to her, could eventually help guide her to see this relationship for what it really is and not what she wants it to be.

You are either a Friend or NOT.  Friends do not judge by who you date, what you wear, where you go, or where you come from. Friends are for life, they have a marriage of their own through the good and the bad.  You have to decide if she is worth friendship or just letting go as someone you once knew.

Always,

Marsha