Hi Marsha!
I have 2 sons and recently have heard alot of negative stories about mother in laws. I realised one day I too will be a mother in law and this started a chain of thoughts. Can you offer any insight on why it is acceptable for women to phone their mothers 20 times a day if they want, let THEIR mother interfere in everything yet if the husband/boyfriend talks to his mother even 1/10th of the time, hes considered a Mummys boy/needs to cut apron strings etc etc?? His mother cannot speak without the wife being annoyed. Just doesnt seem fair that I will have to end up “losing” my boys, while the girls parents are still involved in every aspect of her life??
I would love your thoughts Marsha!
Thanks!
Mother -N- Law = Losing Son?
Dear Mother -N- Law = Losing Son?,
The common phrase “Momma’s Boy” has been used to refer to boys/young men that were excessively attached to their mother at an age when they should have been independent and capable of living on their own. Sadly, much of the world refers to young men as being a “Momma’s Boys” when they carry on any sort of close relationship to their mother at any age. I feel this is wrong, and it is just another example of how our society likes to pick on and/or ridicule others to make themselves feel better for one reason or another.
There is absolutely no reason why a young man should be deemed any such name for having a close relationship with his mother. A mother will always be there for her children no matter their age. Girls that are dating these so called “Momma’s Boys” should be very thankful for the close relationship he has with his mother for several reasons. 1st, Momma is always going to be there to guide them both in the right direction and to help them out of any and all difficult situations, and 2nd, A man that respects his mother, is more than likely going to have a high respect for women in general.
I think the issue mostly falls along the lines of a lad’s mother’s disapproval of his girlfriend and/or wife. If the mother is strongly opinionated, and voices what she feels, or is all the time trying to persuade her son to do things her way that is when the turmoil will begin with the mother/daughter -n- law relationship. I have known of this situation to work the opposite way as well when the son and mother -n-law do not see eye to eye.
For happy families to remain close in contact it will be very important to remember to try to have a close relationship with your -N- law. Make her/him feel just as much a part of the family as the rest and hearing their input on decisions you would normally only ask of your child. Keep the attitude that you gained a daughter/son instead of losing a son/daughter. Remember to keep your space, allow them to make decisions on their own and to learn from them even if they are wrong. This is not saying to allow them to do something devastating without giving your polite input or reminding them of the percussions they could be faced with if things went awry. You can be a MOTHER to them both and everyone could be happy.
Always,
Marsha
One of the best ways to establish a great relationship with anyone is to ask yourself, “How would I feel?” in any situation that arises.
I have a wonderful son and stepson. I dearly love my daughters-in-law and they love me, although none of us are perfect.
I recognize that my boys’ first loyalty should be to their wives, as my husband’s first loyalty is to me. I do NOT interfere in their lives – I helped raise them to be able to think for themselves.
I established a tradition that every year in August, I give each daughter-in-law a gift. It does not have to be expensive, but my search for the gift becomes an adventure that they love to hear about over our yearly “daughter-in-law” lunch. This gives us something positive to share and brings us closer.
When they ask my advice, I never break their confidence. No matter how difficult is is, I don’t take sides – I listen and ask them how they felt and how they think the other person felt. Then I ask them to talk it over with their spouse again and try to work things out.
We’ve been married 28 years, and I have to say neither my parents nor his ever meddled in our affairs. If we ASKED for advice or input on a decision, it was always given to us in a respectful, non-judgemental way. Now that all four of our parents are gone, we truly appreciate the fact that we were never treated as children after we married, but were respected as adults capable of running our own household. My husband and I VERY rarely had disagreements, but on the occasion that we did, we didn’t engage our own parents or try to get them to take sides. My mother-in-law and I never had a cross word but I can do believe if I had EVER disrespected her, her son would have put me in my place. He was the youngest of 8, and very close to his mother, but he was not a mama’s boy, he was the good man that she raised, who treats me well.