Dear Marsha,
I have been dating someone for over three months now, and things go well…until the ex calls. The ex will ask what he is up to and he will say “I am driving to my parents house” or “I am picking something up for work”. Now this is the truth, he will be driving to his parents house or picking something up…but I am sitting in the car right next to him. He never says “We” or even mentions my name.
I have noticed this is only when his ex calls. Anyone else can call and the word “We” is used and most of the time even my name is mentioned. I confront him about it and he says “I just want to avoid getting any grief from my ex”. Mind you, the ex is very immature and does give him this grief he speaks of, however I feel that I should not go completely ignored while sitting right next to him. His ex knows we are together and neither one of us have anything to hide.
Shouldn’t he be proud of who I am and let his ex know what “We” are doing, together, whether he gets grief or not?
Feeling Invisible.
Dear Feeling Invisible,
I can clearly understand your frustration. To me it would feel more as if I were an embarrassment to my boyfriend than for him to feel any grief over my presence. I would feel as if he were ashamed of me or that he prizes his ex to be on this pedestal and here I am sitting on a log. I would feel very inferior to her indeed.
I wish I had a clear explanation to offer you, but unfortunately, I do not. He should be the one telling her to stop with her grief giving comments and to accept the situation for what is. He loves you and that is that. He should also tell her that if she is going to give such rude comments to him over you, then perhaps she should not be calling him. You should not have to feel invisible to anyone.
In any relationship I were to pursue, I would want to feel as if I were number 1 and not settle for number 2 with any one. If I were not his top and only choice, then he would not be my choice at all.
Always,
Marsha
Your boyfriend needs to established appropriate boundaries with his ex. She should not be able to change his behavior by “giving him grief” – he must put his foot down.
Talk to him calmly, don’t make it a fight, and tell him how this makes you feel. His loyalty should be to you not to his ex.
Hey
There’s this fantastic thing called “communication”. I’m sure maybe you’ve talked to him before, but if not (at least not to the extent in frankness you would like), don’t be afraid to! If you’re eventually going to be with this guy for the rest of your life, that’s an essential skill for developing a sweet, lifelong relationship with a spouse. It takes a lot of effort to cultivate those prized relationships.
I think that we as Americans tend to think that “Talking about Problems, Expressing Feelings Frankly” = “Hurting Someone Else’s Feelings and Offending.” I believe that if you are sensitive to his wants and needs, while not shying away from yours, you will be successful in talking with him. Something that I learned as a service missionary in Ukraine – “It’s impossible to offend those you love.” I don’t know to what extent that words, but if you talk with him with a aura of love and concern, it will go well.
Here it is November, who knows if you’re even with this guy. But I read this and I can relate. I went through something not too long ago. Good luck!
In my opinion, your boyfriend should tell his ex about you and not try to hide you from her. Even though she knows you all are together, he should still include you when she calls. If he loves you I dont think he should have ex girlfriends calling. I agree with Marsha I would not settle for number 2 with anyone.