Dear Marsha
My question regards a visiting mother in law.
First, I can say I and my lesbian partner have been together 25 years, these years have been very tight, close, 99% fight-free. We finally bought a house last year, before this we lived in very small apartments. So, until now, my partner’s mother has never had an overnight visit with us. This was never an issue, as my partner would go visit her mom and spend the night, which was fine. Holidays were held at the other siblings’ who already owned houses.
This Thanksgiving was the first time the mom stayed over. Our house is not fully furnished yet, so we got a queen size Aero bed and new linens and even pillows set up in the 2nd bedroom just for her. The problem is the mother’s insistence on sleeping in the middle of our living room ON THE COUCH, instead of in the spare bedroom which is quite a nice room.
The mother does sleep on her couch in her own home [she is 74 years old], because all her kids are grown and gone, and she chooses to sleep on her couch in front of her large TV. The other 6 bedrooms she does not use at all.
I REALLY prefer the mother sleep in the bedroom, because the couch is well, in the center of the house, obviously. And, to get to my computer or kitchen, or bathroom, or house entrance, one must pass by the couch.
Before the mother arrived to visit, I asked my partner to please help me get her to sleep in the bedroom, NOT the living room, should the issue arise. I prayed she would not attempt to sleep on the couch in someone eise’s house. This was a very specific conversation with my partner, and in fact, my ONLY request for the entire visit.
I don’t mind staying out of the way and deferring to nearly everything the mom wants, because I know my partner feels sorry for her [she is 74 years old]. The mother has estranged herself from 2 of her other children [due to um....petty emotional issues]. The mother has created this life for herself, unfortunately, but because I love my partner, I defer to make them happy. It’s all I can contribute.
The first night, the mom slept in the bedroom, the 2nd night [after Thanksgiving meal] she stated she wanted to sleep on the couch, and amazingly, my partner backed her, despite her promise to me to also request the mom sleep in the bed. I then made a stand, it went back and forth, the mom saying “well,my daughter says I CAN sleep on the couch”, me responding, yes, but she does not live alone, I live here too and co-own this house…..etc etc.
After this it did get uglier, and I admit to losing my temper and said in a calm, but very exasperated voice “Why must you piss on me??” Which is all that was happening, this person insisting on something so petty just to “win” or prove her dominance or whatever the heck it is, over me.
Since this, I am a pariah, when all I did was try to insist that a guest sleep in the bedroom on the bed, rather than in the center of the home on the couch. This is the first time my partner has been this upset with me in 25 years, and it worries me. She has not spoken a word to me since, so we continue to live together as before, but with this total silence.
We are both generally reasonable people [both have degrees from UC Berkeley] and do NOT play emotional games. I have always known the mother completely plays emotional games, but I was able to avoid being caught up in it. Now, that the mom has visited me in my own home for the first time, she amazing wants to refuse my ONLY request of her; in fact this is my only request of any kind from her in 25 years. It’s almost as if she was waiting for any chance to play her emotional domination game with me, and now she finally has one. I wouldn’t care but she is successfully tearing apart this long-term relationship that her daughter and I have been so fortunate to build and maintain.
For now I am letting my partner try to cool off and have not attempted to force her to talk or interact with me. But, I am at a loss as to what to do next.
thank you.
Mother in-law finally intrudes
Dear Mother in-law finally intrudes,
While I can understand your frustrations over this 1 simple request not being fulfilled, I also can understand your partners point of view of not wishing to insist her mother do something in which she is not comfortable doing.
I can relate to your mother-n-law’s desire of wanting to sleep on a sofa instead of a bed. This issue goes further than perhaps what you see it as. A sofa can provide a slight caressing comfort that one can not get from a typical bed. Choosing to sleep on a sofa instead of a bed is not always based on which would be more comfortable on your back, where it is positioned in the house, or which gives you the best nights sleep, it is about the shape and contour one feels when laying on the sofa vs. the bed.
A couch/sofa most generally always has a back to it. This back can allow us to rest upon it at night and it is as if someone is laying with us or next to us. It helps us to ease that lonely feeling we have. In the long run, it helps us to sleep more at ease. Your mother-n-law may not even know why she prefers a sofa over a bed, but she just knows it makes her feel more comfortable all around.
I strongly feel that given your mother-n-laws age and her tendencies to sleep on a sofa in her own home, that this is very true to her situation. The best option I can suggest for you is that when you are able to purchase more furnishings for your home, to try including a sofa perhaps in a spare bedroom. You can add a television on top of a dresser, and maybe this will solve the issue and satisfy everyone.
For now, just try to be relaxed over the situation as you see it. Try taking a step back and thinking of the whole picture from a different angle. By taking the time to do so, you will also put a lasting impression upon your mate with your deep understanding. She will be thankful that you took the time to see things from maybe her mothers point of view and hers as well.
Always,
Marsha
loneliness is not the only reason a person could prefer the couch.there are also health considerations for prefering a couch.if i dont sleep with my head raised i quit breathing in my sleep.a couch arm and pillow solve that problem perfectly.she may have physical problems that she does not want to share with you. if you have had no problems with her in twenty five years,why start one now.its just a holiday visit.a very short time to have to share the couch.so what if your computer is in the living room.are you doing something on it that you dont want anyone to know about.she would be the one putting up with others in her sleeping area.if her daughter co-owns this house she has the right to allow her mom to use that room without your permission. the silence you are experiencing could very well be that your partner is re-evaluating her relationship with you.
I totally understand how you feel about the couch, the ONE request, etc. But I want to share something with you.
I lost my mother when I was 24 years old. At this point, with all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mom the most.
Now, so many other things that seemed so BIG, I can’t even remember them all. If your mate means as much to you as what you display on this site, honor her by honoring her mother and let the rest take care of itself.
Don’t lose something great over this short period of inconvenience.
Sometimes there are no second chances.
I totally agree that having a house guest can at times be an inconvenience, especially if it is someone who insists on going against your wishes of them using the guestroom as opposed to turning your living room into their bedroom. I also understand the importance of having your partner support you and your request, with the intent of a united front. However, in this instance, put yourself in your partner’s mother’s shoes. She’s in an unfamiliar environment away from all of her creature comforts. As we get older, we all have the comforts of home that we can’t find anywhere else, even at the nicest hotels. Your mother-in-law is just trying to acclimate herself to sleeping in a different place in the most comforting way she can, and that unfortunately for you, is on your couch. Although I do understand why you are upset at her for not utilizing the guest room, and for your partner not supporting you and your request, I think it is best to leave this alone and not make an issue out of it. Your mother-in-law will only be there for a short time, and then it is life as usual. I say that for the few nights she’s there, let her be as comfortable as possible, and don’t let the chance of rifts or tension arise between you and your partner as a result from something like this. Just roll with it, and pick your battles carefully. Interceding between a partner and their parent(s) is a surefire way to build tension in a happy home. Hang in there, and good luck!
Hi, In case you are still at odds about this, I’ll throw in my 2 cents worth. Like one of the other responses above, I think that the fact your mother-in-laws sleeps on the couch at home speaks volumes. Since a couch is her normal sleeping spot, I can only assume that either you or your partner showed her to the guest room on the first day. She then cooperated by sleeping there. Obviously, after that night she had explained her discomfort to your friend,since she stated your friend had given her permission to sleep on the couch. You seem to think this manipulative woman was trying to “win” or prove her dominance over you. So therefore you resort to claiming ownership to 1/2 the house. Did you get out the title to “prove” you can have your say? You were incredibly rude. The fact that your friend has gone weeks without speaking to you says volumes. She’s tied to her 1/2 of the real estate! If not she would be gone! Oh, and don’t assume your friend only “feels sorry for” her mother. There may be some love there too, you know! Jealous jealous jealous of a 74 year old woman. Shame on you!