Dear Marsha,
Almost a year ago now, I met an absolutely amazing guy online. As I am fully aware of some of the more sinister characters on the Internet who try to earn your trust for dishonest reasons, I was rather wary at first when he admitted that he liked me, but after a while I accepted that he really is who he said he was, and since then we’ve had a wonderful relationship that has greatly enhanced both of our lives, even though we live in different countries and neither of us has had the chance to visit in person as of yet. I am extremely shy and quiet at all times and have a fear of being judged by other people, and only average-looking, so talking to guys, never mind dating, has always been difficult if not impossible for me. I use Internet message boards as a way of expressing who I really am, and I suppose that’s why my now-boyfriend was attracted to me. The only problem is the fact that I am 18 (he is 19) and still living at my parents’ house with no chance of moving out in sight. I would be fine with this if not for the fact that they have a strong bias towards online dating and communication with “strangers” over the Internet in general. They’ve done as well as can be expected from any parent for me, but we do not have much in common, and so I spend most of my time in my room talking to him and doing homework and such.
This has caused them to grow increasingly “concerned” (AKA nosy) about what I’m doing on the computer, and have tried on many occasions to worm the truth out of me. I am not sure how they would react if I told them about my boyfriend, but my greatest fear is the possibility that they may forbid me from going on the Internet at all and subsequently take away my one connection with the one I love and my way to express my true self. However, I also feel that if I don’t tell them, they will eventually find out what I’m doing by force and without my consent and perhaps get me in even more trouble. Leaving him is not even close to an option, I love him more than I thought it was possible to love another human being, and do not want to lose that. What should I do about the situation with my parents?
-Treading a Fine Line
Dear Treading a Fine Line,
In today’s time of technology, online dating is gaining more and more popularity. In fact, in the year 2008, 120,000 marriages came from online dating. This is becoming increasingly more acceptable as a form of building solid relationships.
Your parents do have a right to be concerned for your safety, but would they have had the same concerns if you were to have a pen pal from another another country that you would exchange letters with? This is after all more of the kind of communication that they are familiar and perhaps more comfortable with. I remember my high school giving us pen pals from other countries when I was 16. There was no harm in writing someone of the opposite sex was there?
Today is really not much different online. You still have to write one another and are free to express your feelings and/or emotions through letters or in messengers. The biggest difference is the immediate ability to respond back to one another. No longer do you have to wait a month for a return letter.
As I have said many times, the foundation of any relationship is communication. If any couple is able to freely communicate with one another, then all other obstacles will have an outlet through this ability.
I admire your respect for your parents and your desire to do what is right, despite the fact that you are 18 yrs. old and could do as you please. You are living under your parents roof, and should abide by their wishes, and you have shown that you are trying. Coming forth is a good option.
You do not have to tell your parents that you are “Interested” in this guy, just simply tell them that you have an online pen pal that you talk to on a regular basis. Try telling them things about his country and how it differs to yours. Make it sound like everything is a learning experience. Then once they become comfortable with you talking to this guy, slowly tell them of your feelings for him. Let the situation grow on them just as this guy has on you.
Always,
Marsha
