Dear Marsha,
This is a difficult problem. I lived with a boyfriend for four years while in college. He was an English PhD. candidate at the time we were together. We split up and I went on to marry someone I have been married to for thirty years. Before I go any further I should say we had an unbelievably passionate and intense sex life. As lovers we were great. As life partners, not so much. It wouldn’t have worked. The breakup was tough.
My college boyfriend has resurfaced (through Facebook). He has been emailing me pieces he is working for a second book he is writing about our time together. He says the first book he wrote was published about a year ago. The first book is a collection of vignettes about our most intimate moments. There are no names used – only He and She. He wrote it under a pen name, which he won’t divulge. He met his editor in the Boston area. He tells me the book is doing well in Chicago and on the West coast. His publisher chose to publish it under “Artistic Romance.” That’s all I know. I do have this one review that he emailed me: “It is an intense unresolved journey through one man’s heart and mind, but as he often reminds us – these are not pictures of him. In my very private moments, I would like to think I was like her to someone at sometime, as imperfectly beautiful, as important to him then and still, as joyous and as painful a memory. Then I shiver at the thought anyone would see me and remember me with this kind of clarity, definition, and detail.”
My problem is that I am obsessed with finding this book. I have tried unsuccessfully. I really want to know what is out there about me in book form. When I asked him why I couldn’t read the book he said, “Think about what I have sent you so far. There are things in that book that would humiliate me if anyone, especially you, knew about them.”
I don’t know if my question to you is: “How can I find this book?” or “Can you help me to stop obsessing over finding this book”
Boyfriend Book Obsession
Dear Boyfriend Book Obsession,
I went to work on this situation the moment I received your email. I am giving you information on behalf of both of your questions.
*I started my search with the category “Artistic Romance”, and this came up a dead end. Most genre’s of this nature are for Art and Paintings. I, as a part time writer, have never heard of that category being used for books.
*I then went to search for vignettes of intimate moments and the category or genre kept coming up as being erotic fiction, over and over again.
*I copied the review that he sent to you and again, it came up with nothing.
*I searched for editors in the Boston area that have helped to release a book within the last year, and I did find an E Book that had been released in the erotic fiction category, but names were mentioned so this could not be you or him. It would have been nice to know the name of his publisher for this kind of search however.
* I searched the review in whole and in segments and there was nothing mentioned about any recent books.
*I continued to search in many more places, and as you, I too came up empty handed. I could not search his name as this was not given to me, but trusted that you already had.
With all of that being said, here is what I think.
I think he found you on Facebook, wanted to reconnect, and thought by bringing up your past intimate moments together would help you both to relate to one another. He wanted to make certain you remembered him in the same light as he remembered you. Perhaps wanting to make an emotional claim on you.
I do not think that there is a book. If there was, I feel that he would have told you about his accomplishments and would have been tickled to have you to share his happiness with him, even if the story was about you. Instead, he claims that this will embarrass him. This really does not make much sense to me, he is boastful enough to share snippets with you, but not the entire book? Did you ever consider that his background as an English PhD could easily give him the abilities to write or jot something quickly about a moment he is able to recall the two of you sharing? He probably just sits there, writes these thoughts or memories down, and then sends them on to you claiming they were in his book.
You are showing him with your obsession to read his full book, that you still carry an interest with your past relationship. He knows that he still has some sort of connection with you and the longer he can keep this hold, the more of his foot, or leverage he has in the door of your life still.
Do not fall for this emotional entrapment. I would suggest that you no longer show any interest in his books &/or his writings. It may even be best if you deleted him from all connections.
I am certain your husband would not like to know of a possible obsession with a book of this nature. He would want for you to remember him and your times of endearment with him. After all, that should be the only man that you carry an obsession for.
Always,
Marsha
