Dear Marsha,
I am dealing with something rather painful right now and need to know how to handle it better.
I just recently married a guy that has a child of his own. This was not a big deal at all for me and in fact I love his son. I also have 2 boys around his same age. They all get along here at home for the most part. There are a few squibbles, but aren’t there in all families between siblings?
The problem is that my parents and grandparents do not openly accept his child as “our” child. They make differences between them at birthdays, weekend overnights, and so forth. They are not excepting him as a grandchild. Will this go away in time or will this always be this way? Thank God they are all under 6 and really don’t really see the differences like we do.
If you welcome one, then welcome them all!
Dear Welcome One Welcome All,
It is a shame that your family is not excepting your spouses child as their grandchild. Sadly, a lot of families do this same thing. They should be pleased to have another member as part of the family. Hopefully this will be the case in the near future.
If you are sincere about wanting this favoritism to stop, then you will probably have to be the first one to make a significant move. If you allowed your husband to speak up, they would just blame the whole situation on him and not think about how much it really hurts you.
My suggestion is that you call them before any birthday parties of your own children, and you tell them NOT to bring any gifts etc. unless they intend to do the same thing for your new son. Note, I did not say STEP son. I feel that the terms “Step” or “Half” are belittling themselves. Family is family and there should not be any subtitles given to any of them. Those 2 words could really make the person intended for feel hurt and left out of the family.
If your parents and grandparents persist in giving your children gifts, take the gifts away from your kids, and put it up, or call it a family gift that belongs to all of them. Maybe you could do this in front of your parents/grandparents so they get a little harsh reality of how it is going to be!
As far as the overnights go, don’t allow your children to spend the night or go for a visit without your new son going as well. Express that this is not fair and you will not tolerate it in any way.
Most of all, tell your family how much this hurts you and that you want them to accept your new son the way that you do. Tell them they are to treat him as if he were your biological own. Hopefully they will understand exactly how you feel and make those needed changes in the way they think and/or act.
Always,
Marsha
