Dear Marsha,
I am a grandmother of 11 grandchildren. I love each and everyone of them. I have recently been accused of favoring one grandchild over all of the others. I do not notice that I do, but everyone is starting to say well if it was —— then you wouldn’t mind, or I’m sure you would buy it for —— etc.
I do have a close bond with ——, but I don’t think that I pay more attention to him then I do to any of the others. He is my oldest grandson though, and I know that I do trust him more then the younger ones. He also grew up in my house for 8 years with his younger sister. I don’t get accused of favoring her though.
I would like to ask how I can show the others that I love them just as much as I love ——? I want them to know that they are all just as special to me as the other one. I don’t want any of my grandbabies feeling left out.
Thanks,
Grandma Jo
Dear Grandma Jo,
It always seems that most parents and/or grandparents do favor one child or another in every family. Most are like yourselves and do not see this connection until it is pointed out to them by an outsider, or someone that feels left out. Sometimes it does happen when we are closer to one child or another due to similar interests, living together, looks that resemble one another, oldest, youngest, or any other common similarity between you.
There is however something that we as parents or grandparents can do to change this habit we have unconsciously started. Here is my plan of guidance.
1. Take a day or weekend and dedicate it to each child individually. Make that child feel like a king or a queen of the day. Allow that child to make all of the decisions for the day such as what game you can play together, or what they would like to eat. You could teach them something, or tell them stories from your past of something you did or used to do at their age. It does not have to be costly, you can do all of this right from your home.
2. Keep it fair. Do not stay at home with one child, and go to the local fair with another. That will cause jealousy and still make someone feel left out. Make a plan from the start on what you will do with each one.
3. While you are spending your time with each child, get to know their likes and dislikes. Keep a journal of their favorite foods, drinks, games, colors, etc. Then you can use this list when it comes to their birthdays, Christmas or to alternate use between visits to grandmas on what you cook or plan for the family.
4. Don’t be afraid to ask any of the children if they feel you treat them unfairly. They may tell you how the feel, and give examples of your behavior that has made them feel this way. Take notes on that, reassure each child that you love them the same, and explain that you are going to try to be fair from now on.
This should help you to get on the right track of making each child/grandchild feel that grandma loves them each equally. Before you know it, they will always be wanting to come/go to grandma’s house.
Always,
Marsha
