What Should I Do?

Hello Marsha,
Hi. I’m 30 years old and have been with my husband for 9 1/2 yrs, married for 2. Recently there has been tension in our household and everytime I ask him what the problem is he never answers. I’ve noticed he’s been very quiet with me lately and just won’t let me in to what’s going on with him at all. He’s been laid off for about a couple of months now but he’s been using his time to coach youth football. He’s even started having some friendly conversations with a female who works for the league quite frequently. Everytime I enter the room and he’s on the phone, he immediately goes to a different place in our home or goes outside. He talks on his phone to these people for hours but when he comes in the house he’s completely quiet. I’ve been working 2nd shift for a while and since the recent birth of our 4th child, I had to start thinking about working different hours so I can be at home with the kids because his schedule is so demanding, even though he’s not working. Sometimes when I’m at work he doesn’t feed the kids dinner, but he’ll eat. I noticed some nights when I come home that our 3rd youngest son (who just turned 2) is in the bed without a pamper and he thinks that I shouldn’t be mad at this type of behavior. I’ve told him that he has his priorities mixed up but anything I say to him goes in one ear and out the other. I had a job interview today for a first shift position and he didn’t wish me luck or anything when I left. When I tried to tell him about the outcome of the interview and if it should be a good fit for us he just looked at me with a blank expression and didn’t offer any suggestions. I don’t know if it was the way he was brought up as a child that makes him act like this but it is tearing me up inside that he won’t share anything personal or intimate with me. He’s holding back his feelings toward me and I don’t think I can take another year with him.
What should I do?

Dear What Should I Do?,

The first and foremost thing I would do in your shoes is to say a little prayer for your marriage.  It sounds as if you are both struggling in your own ways. Marriage is a sacred blessing that God himself has bestowed upon you, and through him, your marriage can be made whole again.

I would like to ask if your husband was like this toward you before he started coaching football or before he was laid off from work?  It is possible that he is going through a midlife crises so to speak and with the loss of his job, he could be struggling to feel like a man.  The attention he is getting from being a coach makes him feel important and boosts his ego.  This is a very trying time for a man.  He most generally always goes through a state of depression, and how he handles this depression can vary greatly.

This is still not an excuse to exclude you from his life.  There should be no reason why he chooses to take his phone calls out of your ears reach.  He should be placing his family (you and the children) first and above all others outside of the home.  He should devote his attention to the children and their needs while you are away at work.  He should be very thankful that you are able to provide the income that supports not only the familys essentials to live, but his fuel, travel, and phone expenses as well.  If not for you, then where would he be?

You have shown that you are a dedicated wife to change your job and shift hours to comply with his demanding job as a volunteer coach.  I feel that for the sake of your family, you have made a great decision in doing so.  This will allow you more time with them and to provide for their needs.  This may also allow you more time to take the children to a few of these football games or practices that your husband coaches and to let him see you are there to support his efforts toward the team.

My suggestion to you is to try to get through to your husband with a letter.  Sometimes men need to see things in black and white before it hits home.  In this letter, tell him that everything you are doing, you are doing for him and the children, and that you want him to do the same.  Explain to him just how much you care about his feelings and you want to be there to support him through the good and the bad.  Just pour your heart out to him in a way that you think he will pay attention.  Try not to argue in the letter or in person face to face.  Arguing will not solve anything, and it is not healthy for the children to see mommy and daddy yelling at one another.

If after you have tried to do all that is within your power to salvage the marriage, and things remain the same between you both, then I would suggest seeking further advice from a professional marriage counselor.

Please feel free to write back anytime for general guidance and direction you may desire along the way.

Always,
Marsha