Dear Marsha,
I am having trouble defining the difference between Love and Lust. My family tells me that I fall for every guy that comes my way. I tell them that I love each man differently, but I love them. When they ask me what it is about him/them that I love, I don’t really have much to say. They then tell me that it isn’t love, it is more of a lust. Yes I do have relations with them, but that isn’t what makes me love them. I will usually date them for a year or so, then for one reason or another, we split up.
How can I tell if I really Love these guys and try to make relationships work, or do I only have a Lusting desire for them. What can I look for to let me know the difference.
Lustful Love
Dear Lustful Love,
I am going to start by giving you the basic definitions of both terms as defined in the Merriam Dictionary Online.
LOVE:
- Function: noun
- Etymology: Middle English, from Old English lufu; akin to Old High German luba love, Old English lēof dear, Latin lubēre, libēre to please
- Date: before 12th century
1 a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates> b : an assurance of love <give her my love>
2 : warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <love of the sea>
3 a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration <baseball was his first love> b (1) : a beloved person : darling —often used as a term of endearment (2) British —used as an informal term of address
4 a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) : brotherly concern for others b : a person’s adoration of God
5 : a god or personification of love
6 : an amorous episode : love affair
7 : the sexual embrace : copulation or making Love
8 : a score of zero (as in tennis)
9 capitalized Christian Science : god
— at love : holding one’s opponent scoreless in tennis
— in love : inspired by affection
LUST:
- Function: noun
- Etymology: Middle English, from Old English; akin to Old High German lust pleasure and perhaps to Latin lascivus wanton
- Date: before 12th century
1 obsolete a : pleasure, delight b : personal inclination : wish
2 : usu. intense or unbridled sexual desire : lasciviousness
3 a : an intense longing : craving <a lust to succeed> b : enthusiasm, eagerness <admired his lust for life>
From these definitions we can see that both Love and Lust have a desire for Sex. However, Lust carries more of a sexually driven desire and in Love your sexual desire comes from your admiration, caring, and devotion to your partner.
When you truly Love someone, you will carry most all of the traits defined in the above definition for your partner. You will admire them, you will devote your time and heart to them, you will put them first in your life, you will adore them and be very unselfish with them, you will always have their best of interest at heart. The one you love will be your friend, you will always want to be around them even if sex is not involved, just to cuddle with, or talk to them as you would your best friend with many common interests. This person is the only person you see yourself with for the remainder of your life. You will remain faithful and true to them in every aspect. You feel as if life could or would not go on without them.
If it is Lust, you will find that you crave sex more than their friendship. You are more concerned about getting them to bed or undressed more so then the tenderness and affection. If sex is the only thing you can agree on, then it is probably Lust. If you find yourself comparing one partner to the next partners sexual abilities, then more than likely it is LUST and not LOVE.
I would suggest you take time in building your next relationship. You should want your lover to be your best friend, and to make certain you are both able to communicate well with one another. You should enjoy the company of each other, and sex is not a driven factor of your desire to be with him. It is important that you both share common values, morals, and goals in life. If you love someone, you should have no troubles sharing with the world “why” you love them.
Always,
Marsha
Well Mrs,Marsha you hit this one dead on the head. You are so very right in what you said about it all. God intended for their to be sex in the relationship but not out side of one being married. GOD’s design was for two people to connect heart, mind, body, soul and as the relationship grows the two can see if all of these fall into place for them. If so then true love will bloom as a flower in the spring. But even then we must keep our self’s pure in the eyes of GOD untill marriage. If a person gives into the desire of the flesh then the whole relationship will be based on that as a drug. GOD gives us all divine direction on marriage,love,lust and most of all is to keep our self’s pure untill we marry the one he has chosen for us. You do wonderful work Mrs,Marsha keep it up.